You are a walking study in contradictions. You are being pulled apart from warring sentiments. At this moment, you are taming the peacock penchant and settling for the soothing sentimentality of nostalgia while taking stock of where you are after tumultuous decades of struggling with yourself.
Yesterday you looked at the long hair cascading over the shoulders and a flashback of distant images roared back to life. You were an awkward teenager who first awoke to feelings of love and desire. You survived the yearnings. You are now realizing you value pride and ego over conquest. You are working hard to be independent of prosaic attachments. Others should be attached to you, not the other way around. Suffering has taught you that you, not the Other, should be the object of adulation and desire, and that, in the end, you are truly the better one in values, if not mere physical attributes. Your significant other keeps yelling in frustrations: "Why you keep expressing yourself the way you do? Who do you think you are?" And you look at her squarely in the eyes and evenly and slowly say the following words every single time those rhetorical questions are thrown at you: "A wonderful, rare, beautiful human being who cannot and would not countenance fraud and hypocrisy. I have to expose them, to denounce them because I am eternally afraid of them. I don't want them to infect my soul. While denouncing them, I force myself not to be what I am denouncing. By publicly speaking against them, for the sake of my honor, I force myself not to take them in. A man's words and deeds have to be consistent otherwise he is not much of a man. I want others to love me and accept me for who I am, not what I pretend to be. I want my words to have value and meaning, and not mere noise."
Roberto Wissai
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