When you are dead tired or lonely and sleep is hard to come by, the long-buried pain breaks free from your subconscious and demands attention. You look at the pain and you feel embarrassed for yourself. You were so idealistic and naive. The pain will stay with you till you die. You just have to learn to be wiser.
The journey your pain has taken resembles much the classic description of the evolution of grief:
First, you suppressed it. You pushed it out of your consciousness, but it refused to be ignored. It manifested in recurring dreams. And for an awfully long time you missed and loved her, despite the shabby treatment you received. A love truly given was hard to die.
Second, you realized you no longer loved her. You got angry with her now. You no longer wished to have anything to do with her. The recurring dreams stopped coming.
Third, you are now dealing with unexpected flashbacks about her. You realize you once lived her deeply, but she didn't appreciate your love and there's nothing you could do about it. You just have to admit you loved a wrong person and that you were a fool. Your mission is not to suffer again.
(to be continued)
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