As I get near the end of my existence on this planet---the only existence I ever have, from all the evidence and facts I have amassed so far---I am trying to come to terms with whatever significance it ever has. And I have belatedly recognized the following simple verities. First, health is of primary importance. Without it, life simply is not worth living. Second, money is related to maintaining good health, apart from preserving dignity. Third, love and peace of mind, in addition to good health and money, will help me attain happiness, even if I don't actualize my potential.
One never grows out of love in principle, but one certainly may grow out of love for a specific person. Love is at once mysterious and simple, universal and personal, unchanging and conditional.
By the way, some love poems of mine can be both hypnotic and sleep-depriving because they were written with of blood, sweat, and tears. If I had not written them, I would have either gone crazy or done something worse. Now in the twilight of my life, I think I finally understand what love is all about. It is not about money, fame, or power. It's not about sex although that helps. It's about understanding, caring, and respect. I have loved quite a number of women although almost none of them deserved my love. I somehow discovered that about them quite belatedly. They were in fact common and pedestrian and boringly selfish to the core even though they put up a good acting game. No wonder there are guys who are too cool and experienced to fall for that trap. Certainly, I am not one of them, but I am learning to be wiser and more circumspect.
Anyway, today is Friday and the night is dragging on with its seemingly interminable dreariness, but the entry in today's wacky "Free Will (sic!) Astrology" restored zest and effervescence to my spirit. Life is always good if you think you are not alone and there is somebody out there in the cosmos who cares enough about you to stop you from killing yourself and to lend you a helping hand if you need it. As Vladimir Nabokov once counseled, don't be angry with the rain, it simply does not know how to fall upward. It behooves us to apply that principle to a variety of phenomena. I think you should not get all knotted up, excited, hot and bothered about any force of nature that insists on being itself, and please don't waste your time and energy trying to defy the law of gravity. It's fine and dandy and even funny if you find it tempting to go against the flow, but please don't expect the flow to follow you in your rebellion. Well, two weeks from now will be the day of reckoning for me with regard to my foolish bet against my inclination to gluttony. It looks like I am going to lose my wager on losing weight. Not only I have not shed any poundage, I have actually put on weight. Ah well, c'est la vie!
Do you know that you have about 100 billion neurons (brain cells, for the lexicon-challenged) in your brain. That also happens to be the number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy. Please don't ask me how the scientists know how to count this. I have a lot of difficulties with math and statistics and counting. I only know how to count one, two, three, and then many. I am not smart at all although I certainly try to project an air of intellectuality by using polysyllabic words and complex sentence structures and by religiously eschewing the exhortations of Strunk and White. Anyway, back to number of neurons in the human brain and of the stars in the Milky Way Galaxy, I submit that there is no coincidence that the number is roughly the same. We all know of a mystic dictum "As above, so below" (although I do admit that that hardly applies to hair on the head and that of below!). The macrocosm and microcosm are mirrors of each other. Everything that happens on a collective level has an intensely personal impact. The better you know yourself, the more likely you are to understand how the world works, operates, and functions---and vice versa. I urge you to be alert for concrete evidence of this principle. Your life, especially your love life, will be immensely successful if you make it your daily meditation. Back to the eternal question and issue of love, the next time somebody loves you or dumps you, don't be overly excited or sad. It all amounts to the same thing, to both sides of a same coin, to the nature of emotions and feelings. Perhaps what you must be really concerned is that whether or not you really like yourself. You cannot, should not go around measuring and estimating your worth and desirability by the number of people who love and hate you. I often find it absurd and galling that some women who are short, ugly, poor, and stupid think that they are beautiful, charming, and highly desirable. Lack of self-knowledge is indeed pathetic and a stumbling block for growth. Any human worth his salt knows himself. I suppose only cowards have an unwarranted inflated sense of themselves. A thirst for knowledge implies a possession of some courage. Knowledge might hurt and wound one's sense of self, but it can also be liberating. That's probably why I have carried on with a certain insouciance and defiance and pride because I have no fear of confronting myself, warts and all. I thus feel nauseous whenever I see a certain "men" with feet of clay preaching gamely about decency and morality while unwittingly displaying their cowardice and hypocrisy. Their words and their actions are pathetically inconsistent. Seeing them wallowing in the game of chicken shit of peacocking and showboating and grandstanding makes me realize that I am at least redeemable since I don't pretend to be who I am not.
(to be continued)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Contempt Redux
There are certain assholes which can't help themselves. They "inspire" distrust and contempt because of their lying and dishonesty and abhorrent self-righteousness. And yet ironically they go around despising others and feel smugly good about themselves. Assholes are like that. Take a case of a midget. I never liked this puny asshole. He looked ugly and possessed a stupid accent. Yet the asshole fancied that he was debonair and dapper. For the life of me, I never quite understand that he was able to marry and even begat children who are, expectedly, as ugly as he is but have normal height. Anyway, I disliked him for his cultivating a phony, cultivated, "mature" image. I never, ever once asked for his email address, let alone writing directly to him. But his email address happened to be included in a massive distribution list on a certain matter, so when I decided to make a comment on that matter, I hit the "Reply All" button. The asshole cavalierly and rudely and promptly sent me a short note saying he was so fucking "busy" (sic!) that he had no time to read my comment. I sent back a terse reply that I never, ever even bothered to ask for his email address and that the reason why he had the honor to see my beautiful name in his filthy, motherfucking mail inbox was because I hit the "Reply All" button. I further rhetorically reminded him that all he needed to do was to reach for the "Delete" button if he was really very busy and that he didn't have to send me an email to tell me so! But you see, assholes are like that. They fail to see the absurdity of their actions because they are so damned self-righteous. Oops, I almost forgot to tell you that I was so pissed off of this midget after I got his insulting and rude email message that I called my brother in Haiti, who was a high voodoo priest and requested that he put a curse and a hex on him and his entire family and all his relatives. Don't laugh. My brother is a very "good" priest and as far as I know, at least what he told me, that all his curses and hexes work like a "charm". I would be satisfied if only the midget will die of a prolonged, painful death. So far I have heard through the grapevine that he is having a vision problem and a rare case of STD resulting from over-consumption of Viagra and a sexual escapade in Bangkok. As I told you, I have "faith" in my Haitian brother.
Female midgets are nasty, too. I am speaking from personal experiences. About 12 years ago, I struck a friendship of sorts with a female of Eastern European descent. She was far from being a beauty, nor did she possess intimidating intelligence or captivating wit. In short, she was a plain Jane, burdened with having a very short stature, but oddly enough that didn't prevent her from having an undeserving high opinion of herself. Two years into the friendship, she told me in a roundabout way that she had a crush on me. I was not really surprised because I tended to have that kind of effect on females, midgets or not. Anyway, I hemmed and hawed, stuttered and stammered in trying to explain why I couldn't reciprocate her affection. To make a long story short, the relationship went into a twilight zone and stayed there till one day she died of heart failure. I must have been a glutton for punishment because soon after the untimely death of the first female midget, I somehow developed a relationship with another female dwarf. This one came from a certain jungle in North Vietnam and she proved to be wild and savage at heart although she cultivated an image of sophistication on the outside. When her selfishness and savagery were too much for me to put up with, I sent her a "Dear Jane" letter which promptly sent her into a paroxysm of rage which in turn told me that I had made a right decision. To make another long story short, I have learned from my mistakes. Now I am avoiding midgets, pygmies, dwarfs, and freaks like a plague. Oddities now nauseate me, instead of fascinating me.
(to be continued)
Female midgets are nasty, too. I am speaking from personal experiences. About 12 years ago, I struck a friendship of sorts with a female of Eastern European descent. She was far from being a beauty, nor did she possess intimidating intelligence or captivating wit. In short, she was a plain Jane, burdened with having a very short stature, but oddly enough that didn't prevent her from having an undeserving high opinion of herself. Two years into the friendship, she told me in a roundabout way that she had a crush on me. I was not really surprised because I tended to have that kind of effect on females, midgets or not. Anyway, I hemmed and hawed, stuttered and stammered in trying to explain why I couldn't reciprocate her affection. To make a long story short, the relationship went into a twilight zone and stayed there till one day she died of heart failure. I must have been a glutton for punishment because soon after the untimely death of the first female midget, I somehow developed a relationship with another female dwarf. This one came from a certain jungle in North Vietnam and she proved to be wild and savage at heart although she cultivated an image of sophistication on the outside. When her selfishness and savagery were too much for me to put up with, I sent her a "Dear Jane" letter which promptly sent her into a paroxysm of rage which in turn told me that I had made a right decision. To make another long story short, I have learned from my mistakes. Now I am avoiding midgets, pygmies, dwarfs, and freaks like a plague. Oddities now nauseate me, instead of fascinating me.
(to be continued)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Sad facts of life
There are three types of thinkers:
1. Those without formal degrees and certificates, but do contribute to growth of human knowledge and societies
2. Those with formal degrees and certificates and do contribute to growth of human knowledge and societies. They should be justifiably arrogant, but usually are not.
3. Those with formal degrees and certificates, but merely regurgitate of what they learned at school and show no independence of thoughts nor real criticism of what they were taught. After leaving school, they don't bother to improve their minds. As a consequence, they show their ignorance, stupidity, and outdated knowledge whenever they open their mouths or pen their "thoughts". I have more than one occasion exposed their ignorance and stupidity in various forums. Very often, these same so-called intellectuals are also cowardly in politics. Cowardice is in their DNA. It is shown in their failure of acquiring updated or new knowledge, their pathetic lack of logic whenever they argue and reason, and in their failure to speak up and stand up and fight even when their fatherland is in danger of being overrun by a historical enemy. All they do is to pontificate and to cover up their ignorance and cowardice. And yet these individuals mistakenly think that people are in awe of their credentials. Au contraire. Au contraire.
I must confess that I had some therapeutic release in writing the above. As I often state, any asshole that attacks me had better be prepared for a comeback from me. Contempt and hatred are often contagious and reciprocal. I must further confess that I didn't experience any sorrow or compassion when tragedy struck the Simian as I felt it deserved one of the worst punishments meted out to fhe simian race after all the nasty deeds and gratuitous sorrows it brought to other people. Now as I am witnessing first hand the nasty and quite despicable reactions of Verfe, my heart itself is hardening. And I feel that when I die, I will do so with a sardonic smile instead of tears in my eyes. Call me unforgiving and petty-minded, call me vengeful, call me anything you wish, but don't can't call me hypocritical. I am what I am. Fuck with me, and you have to pay a price, sooner or later. I don't go around attacking people willy-nilly, but counter-attacking has always been my trademark.
(to be continued)
1. Those without formal degrees and certificates, but do contribute to growth of human knowledge and societies
2. Those with formal degrees and certificates and do contribute to growth of human knowledge and societies. They should be justifiably arrogant, but usually are not.
3. Those with formal degrees and certificates, but merely regurgitate of what they learned at school and show no independence of thoughts nor real criticism of what they were taught. After leaving school, they don't bother to improve their minds. As a consequence, they show their ignorance, stupidity, and outdated knowledge whenever they open their mouths or pen their "thoughts". I have more than one occasion exposed their ignorance and stupidity in various forums. Very often, these same so-called intellectuals are also cowardly in politics. Cowardice is in their DNA. It is shown in their failure of acquiring updated or new knowledge, their pathetic lack of logic whenever they argue and reason, and in their failure to speak up and stand up and fight even when their fatherland is in danger of being overrun by a historical enemy. All they do is to pontificate and to cover up their ignorance and cowardice. And yet these individuals mistakenly think that people are in awe of their credentials. Au contraire. Au contraire.
I must confess that I had some therapeutic release in writing the above. As I often state, any asshole that attacks me had better be prepared for a comeback from me. Contempt and hatred are often contagious and reciprocal. I must further confess that I didn't experience any sorrow or compassion when tragedy struck the Simian as I felt it deserved one of the worst punishments meted out to fhe simian race after all the nasty deeds and gratuitous sorrows it brought to other people. Now as I am witnessing first hand the nasty and quite despicable reactions of Verfe, my heart itself is hardening. And I feel that when I die, I will do so with a sardonic smile instead of tears in my eyes. Call me unforgiving and petty-minded, call me vengeful, call me anything you wish, but don't can't call me hypocritical. I am what I am. Fuck with me, and you have to pay a price, sooner or later. I don't go around attacking people willy-nilly, but counter-attacking has always been my trademark.
(to be continued)
Monday, September 12, 2011
Words and Deeds
People who care about me often admonish me for flying off the handle when encountering the inconsistency between words and deeds. They remind me that such an attitude is like complaining that shit stinks. Everybody knows that fact and accepts its truism and why shouldn't I do likewise, they rhetorically ask me. Am I stupid or what, they further query. They laugh at me for naively expecting a congruence between words and deeds. They solemnly tell me that even a child knows that everybody lies, that everybody wants to show off and look good, that assholes love to pontificate and never admit defeat even faced with overwhelming evidence and irrefutable logic.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Taciturnity
What do you do when you find yourself in a situation that a person with whom you are dealing suddenly acts out of character, especially if the person, a chatterbox, turns taciturn. Which persona is the real one? Garrulousness or taciturnity? You can bet your sweet ass that both personas are real, but the taciturnity is the more real.
Take myself, for example. I am a chatterbox, a talking machine, a tongue on an endless march, but the world had better watch out when I turn silent and wordless. That means I am reflecting on the nature of emotions, especially of love. Recently I walked out on a long-term relationship. When I did so, I was not sure if my decision was correct, but the vicious and untempered reaction that the bitch showed to me when she received my "Dear Jane" letter convinced me that I had made the right decision and the bitch didn't really love me because if she had really loved me, she would not have used intemperate language to show her anger. To me, True Love is mysterious and yet simple. It begins with understanding, proceeds with respect, and ends with care and devotion without expecting the same in return. I am convinced that to get true love, one must be selfless and brave, willing to incur emotional and financial costs. I am further convinced that true love, like rare gems, is rare and hard to find. One can go to one's dusty death without encountering one. To get true love, one must give true love, otherwise what one gets is the ersatz, the false, the fake, the make-believe along with the lingering sense of loneliness. Life does not really mean much if one feels oppressively and suffocatingly lonely. Something is missing in one's life. Some feeling of unfulfillment. Some sense of emptiness. And life seems insipid, tasteless, and devoid of joy, peace, and meaning.
I think I know what I am talking about. I have known lonelines. I have encountered faked emotions. And I have seen the ugly side of self-righteousness and untempered anger. I am not much into anger these days because I have seen first hand how stupid I can be under its influence.
There is one attitude and reaction jilted and jolted lovers tend to adopt is to blame the "wrongdoers" for betrayal and deception and lack of faithfulness, without ever thinking that the "wrongdoers" might have a rational decision to dump them and that they (jilted lovers) were not that worthy to hold an abiding faithfulness. Nobody throws away a good thing or runs away from an attractive and "good" and nice lover willingly. There must be something deeply wrong with a jilted lover for his/her erstwhile mate to decide a parting of ways. In short, the next time if you are dumped by anybody, it pays to go through a soul-searching and to learn from the experience of being dumped instead of reflexively blaming the dumper. That does not mean I am advocating an embrace of inferiority complex. Rather, I merely say that it pays to be objective and rational.
I am not saying that I felt good for dumping the bitch. I am just emphasizing that I was lucky to find out that she was a bitch before any real damages were done. I didn't fucking really know her as I thought I did. Oh well, I was not that really astute with bitches, I now realize. I have a long way to go as far as understanding women is concerned. But maybe I shouldn't give a fuck about women anymore. I only have a few more years left. Why give too much shit about love when all I've got are insolence and fraudulence?
Don't get me wrong. I am not always in the controlling and dumping position. I was dumped once and very badly, too. Since then there were several minor cases, but I didn't suffer much.
I just got off the phone with my therapist who helped me see the situation more clearly involving the bitch. I was told that the bitch was stupid and unjustifiably vain and definitely unworthy of my attention and affection. The therapist informed me that the bitch's reaction was intense because deep down she was feeling the impact of an accumulation of anger, frustrations, hurt pride, and inferiority complex. I was further advised that I deserved better. All I need to do is to work on my body, mind, and heart, and more importantly my proclivity for sentimentality.
(to be continued)
Take myself, for example. I am a chatterbox, a talking machine, a tongue on an endless march, but the world had better watch out when I turn silent and wordless. That means I am reflecting on the nature of emotions, especially of love. Recently I walked out on a long-term relationship. When I did so, I was not sure if my decision was correct, but the vicious and untempered reaction that the bitch showed to me when she received my "Dear Jane" letter convinced me that I had made the right decision and the bitch didn't really love me because if she had really loved me, she would not have used intemperate language to show her anger. To me, True Love is mysterious and yet simple. It begins with understanding, proceeds with respect, and ends with care and devotion without expecting the same in return. I am convinced that to get true love, one must be selfless and brave, willing to incur emotional and financial costs. I am further convinced that true love, like rare gems, is rare and hard to find. One can go to one's dusty death without encountering one. To get true love, one must give true love, otherwise what one gets is the ersatz, the false, the fake, the make-believe along with the lingering sense of loneliness. Life does not really mean much if one feels oppressively and suffocatingly lonely. Something is missing in one's life. Some feeling of unfulfillment. Some sense of emptiness. And life seems insipid, tasteless, and devoid of joy, peace, and meaning.
I think I know what I am talking about. I have known lonelines. I have encountered faked emotions. And I have seen the ugly side of self-righteousness and untempered anger. I am not much into anger these days because I have seen first hand how stupid I can be under its influence.
There is one attitude and reaction jilted and jolted lovers tend to adopt is to blame the "wrongdoers" for betrayal and deception and lack of faithfulness, without ever thinking that the "wrongdoers" might have a rational decision to dump them and that they (jilted lovers) were not that worthy to hold an abiding faithfulness. Nobody throws away a good thing or runs away from an attractive and "good" and nice lover willingly. There must be something deeply wrong with a jilted lover for his/her erstwhile mate to decide a parting of ways. In short, the next time if you are dumped by anybody, it pays to go through a soul-searching and to learn from the experience of being dumped instead of reflexively blaming the dumper. That does not mean I am advocating an embrace of inferiority complex. Rather, I merely say that it pays to be objective and rational.
I am not saying that I felt good for dumping the bitch. I am just emphasizing that I was lucky to find out that she was a bitch before any real damages were done. I didn't fucking really know her as I thought I did. Oh well, I was not that really astute with bitches, I now realize. I have a long way to go as far as understanding women is concerned. But maybe I shouldn't give a fuck about women anymore. I only have a few more years left. Why give too much shit about love when all I've got are insolence and fraudulence?
Don't get me wrong. I am not always in the controlling and dumping position. I was dumped once and very badly, too. Since then there were several minor cases, but I didn't suffer much.
I just got off the phone with my therapist who helped me see the situation more clearly involving the bitch. I was told that the bitch was stupid and unjustifiably vain and definitely unworthy of my attention and affection. The therapist informed me that the bitch's reaction was intense because deep down she was feeling the impact of an accumulation of anger, frustrations, hurt pride, and inferiority complex. I was further advised that I deserved better. All I need to do is to work on my body, mind, and heart, and more importantly my proclivity for sentimentality.
(to be continued)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Stupidity and Selfishness
Have you ever noticed that stupidity and selfishness tend to go hand in hand? Occasionally, self-righteousness is seen in their company. Such is the case of a bitch that I used to date in my previous reincarnation when I was young, lonely, and quite stupid myself. I thought she loved me and I convinced myself that I was in love with her until luckily for me, a friend of mine, Victor, who convinced me that I needed to put her through a test. And oh man, she failed miserably in that test. She showed her true colors as a vicious bitch. And I was glad I got out of Dodge in a nick of time. I am now convinced that I am gullible, naive, and stupid old man. I am scared now if any bitch shows affection to me. If anybody does so, I hang tight to my wallet and scan for a nearest exit just in case I am duped again. Let me tell you, women are devious and selfish like hell. You male fuckers out there must always be on guard, you hear me?
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