Silence

What more could I say?
I was very stupid more than once
And that was more than enough
Wouldn' t you think?
No, I woukdn't blink
And let you have a peek of my heart
I am not saying I am tough
But I won't ever let my world fall apart
Because of a woman ever again
I repeat I am through with Love
As Love always lets me down
Anytime I think of the women in the past
I shudder at my stupidity

What do you expect me to do with regard to certain assholes? Curse and swear at them to death? Or establish a love squad and drive them to distraction? You know I cannot do either way. I just hope I can live for a thousand years. Meanwhile all I can do is to fucking wait and wait for pigs flying in formation and be happy at the sane time and learn to keep my big mouth shut. I certainly wouldn't want to make the same mistakes as they did. You just never know what lurks behind the smiling faces of midgets and ugly emaciated monkeys. Just remember one thing: life does have a nasty sense of humor, so be prepared to laugh with it. You think I'm trying to be cute? Asshole, you don't know what cute is even if it hits you on the head with a two by four. Trust me.

Five days ago, a spinster miser died of an undeserving death. She had a lot of money, almost a million dollars and she was living in Vietnam, not a high-priced, expensive place like the States or something. A million dollars really mean something over there. She could have easily spent some of it to save her life. She only had some kind of heart or kidney or liver problem. Her body was retaining water and she didn't feel well. So I got on the phone, calling long-distance, really long-distance, and begging her to part some of her money to save her life by checking herself into a hospital. Man, she didn't listen to me. She just wouldn't. Her relatives who also had money, but they let her waste away in about four weeks. Now they are fighting over her money, after throwing a big funeral. Some people are just sick and cruel, don't you think. But I cannot talk anymore. I am into silence now. Verbosity makes the assholes think I am shallow and dumb. Up until a few days ago, I was in fact very dumb and shallow and naive and idealistic. I am coping with anger at both my own stupidity and human evil. This was rupture on rupture of consciousness, this double awareness of my stupidity and lack of sophistication is changing me radically, hopefully for the better. I don't think I am engaging in "Verschlimmbesserung". On the other hand, my realization that I have tackled some most basic existential issues (God, meaning of life, the physical and chemical process at work as we know it/transformation of energy) plus my awareness that I have some verbal gifts and rare intellectual and emotional honesty have reinforced a feeling that perhaps i am indeed superior to most humans.

Silence is strength. What would you prefer? Noise and thunder or peace and silence while waiting for the right moment. Good things come to those who wait. The punishment would fit the crime. So you wait and wait while cultivating strength and silence, while thinking, really thinking of the whole dynamics of the birth of emotions as the soft piano music echoes in the hall of your soul. But you had better not to think too much as madness comes in when thinking is not finalized with action. A person's history is like that of his people. Dead and living history. A person's dead history involves his memory. A people's dead history lies in history books and in museums. Living history involves current speech and customs and consciousness and self-identity.

You once wrote the following to a pathetic creature:

"Get lost and stay lost. You were too stupid to understand me. And your life is nothing but a pathetic waste of earth's resources. No light and no thunder. An absolute zero and nothingness. Not to mention a blight on the human landscape, a scar on your children's consciousness. Last but not least, you are a pest, a festering, pestering pimple on my beautiful ass.

You can't read, can't understand me. What I have written the last few days are some of the most profound/penetrating insights into the human condition. And yet you chose to comment on the seeming misogyny conveyed by a few lines of verse. How pathetic. A monkey looks into a mirror and all it sees is another monkey looking back at it. It cannot see beyond its own image, its shadow. It cannot escape its own smell either."

Of course, you could have observed silence and chosen to ignore the creature, but your doing so would falsely give it an impression it was a creature of some worth. Truth must be told, that was what motivated you to say what you did, milk of human kindness be damned. Kindness may make him feel good, but it is Truth that would save him because it helps him see. A blind man is unlikely to live long in this harsh world.

Death is a finality which puts all things into perspective. You are 64, right at the age of one of the songs of the Beatles. The more you interact with humans, the more you realize most of them are selfish, pompous, stupid, ignorant, uninformed, weak-minded, and pathetically defensive. Deception is understandable, but self-deception is a sign of weakness and cowardice. As you stated somewhere, life is not worthing if lived in the shadow of ignorance and cowardice.

Tomorrow you will combine meditation with physical fitness: strengthening the mind and the body at the same time.

Today "it was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade" (Great Expectations)

For a long time you did not really live. You breathed, ate, held a job, slept, and felt life slipping away from your grasp. It was becoming monotonous, insipid, and meaningless. You sensed the danger of playing it safe with life. Your consciousness, the inner voice was telling you that zest was missing in your life and that the morning sun meant nothing to you. You wanted to change all that angst, that dreadful feeling of emptiness. You wanted to see and taste and experience how life could be brutal and ruthless. So you turned your back on bourgeoisie and embraced risk. You plunged into a world where people lied, cheated, and killed in order to stay alive while trying not to lose your humanity. You learned not to internalize anger and contempt. You learned to recognize Man for what he is: Man is a sorry piece of creation or evolvement, not to be trusted and hard to respect because beneath all that veneer of civilization and culture, he is a vain, insecure, and fearful beast. He was afraid of the ugly truths about himself leaked to the outside world. Little did he know because of his vanity and his fear he showed his true colors to the world anyway. The more scumbags and assholes in that forum of the bygone era tried to look respectable, the ugly their nature was revealed..You supposed that Hitler and his ilk understood very well the human heart. And now it was your turn to understand it.

(To be continued)