Self-marginalization

Self-marginalization

Self-marginalization means you have no pride nor respect for yourself. If you exhibit self-debasing, self-hating, self-degrading behavior, you are inviting anger and violence into your life because scumbags and assholes will pick up on the vibes that emanate from you and start treating you like shit. You have to stand up and fight for your dignity. That means you speak truthfully and logically. Don't bother to be smarter than you actually are. That's the problem with this fucking world. Everybody puts on a pretense. Nobody wants to appear ignorant and uninformed. Everybody wants to be a pontificator. 

I suppose I am different from "everybody". I have self-awareness. Sometimes I act as if I don't have it, but trust me, I do. I also know what and how most fuckers in this world think of me. Let me tell you something: most scumbags and assholes are much worse than I give them credit for. They are selfish animals. All they care about is themselves. 

I knew I was stupid and ignorant. So I did something about that. I started going to the library and forced myself to read. I wanted to know more than just my mother tongue. I also did something about that  instead of wishing about it. Wishing is for children and lazy, fucked up adults. Wishing is not the same as desire. If you really want something and someone bad enough, you will do something about that. The problem with most scumbags is that they are both lazy and selfish and really have no pride of who they are. All they do is talk a big game. 

I used to be pudgy. I did something about that, too. I forced myself to eat less, stay away from booze, and exercise more. I have real pride of how I look instead of just wishing and talking about it. Talk is cheap. Wishing is for kids. I am not cheap and I am not a kid anymore. I have no respect for fat slobs. To me, they are not even humans. They are like pigs which cannot control themselves if food is placed in front of them. I feel nauseous each time I see assholes leaving food behind on their plates in buffet restaurants. They are irresponsible and selfish. True humans should know about moderation and self-preservation, let alone pride and self-respect. 

An asshole acts like a kid and yet he has the stupid audacity to call me a "kid". I remembered that insult and I always will. And I am waiting for the right moment. I want to be a killer, but I am concerned about legal consequences. So I write the violence out of my system. I am still writing. Of course, I write like a fool. A wise man would keep his mouth shut. We all hate others of what we see in ourselves.

You see, somebody, presumably a would-be writer and artiste manque'---somebody very much like me, once told me that I should just go ahead and write whatever the fuck that catches my stupid fancy. He said, "Roberto, you are quite ugly (sic!) now. But writing is like giving  yourself a face-lift every year or so. Pretty soon, before you know it, you feel good and you look good. There's nothing quite like it. You soon would walk around with supreme confidence, always dapper and elegant. Actually you strut, you don't just walk and you have a feeling that men look at you with respect and envy, and women are dying to go to bed with you since they want to know if you are really sexy as you look. Writing may start out as an act of a lost soul who is in search of himself and trying to deal with the hurt deep inside, but it soon progresses to an act of wondrous adventure to actualize who you are."

Well, I don't know if I followed his advice or not, and if my approach to words is different after I ran into him. But I do know this: as long as I can string words together that please me, I am happy. The only person on this planet I should please is myself, now my dear mother has departed from this world for good. I know all the talks about reincarnation and meeting loved ones after they die are just bullshit and wishful thinking. Now and then I do see my mother, but only in dreams. And after I wake up, I feel more sad than happy because of my regrets of not taking better care of her. Anyway, you cannot fake language. You just cannot. Try to write a poem, then you will see what I mean. You write of what you feel, think, and dream. You write of who you are. So if you write like an ignorant, pontificating asshole, that means you are really an ignorant, pontificating asshole. There are no two ways about it. 

(To be continued)