I walked out of the crowded but at least air-conditioned county holding cell into one scorching July afternoon in a city located in the Mojave desert where the ambient temperature was often in three digits and sometimes stayed that way until early dawn.
I was already down two grand, the fee to the bail bond set by the stupid, smug, fat judge with a florid face and a Jewish name, the fucking Aaron Levy. He asked me if I wanted to stay out till the trial day which he designated two months away. I said, "Yes, your Honor". "Twenty grand bail. The clerk will provide you with procedures about bail. As soon as the money's received, you're free to go. See you in two months". The motherfucker quickly delivered his words in a monotone, boring voice I would bet that he had done a thousand times before. I would also bet that he even said them in his alcohol-saturated sleep, at least once a week.
I was down two grand because I had run my mouth to a haughty, supercilious white traffic cop. Before I even finished my sentence, he screamed, "You're under arrest. Turn around and place your hands behind your back." After cuffing me and warning me not to run away or he would shoot me down like a dog, he reached into his cop car and called for back-up, lying through his teeth about some crazy, high-on-drug Asian dude acting all belligerent and threatening. Barely five minutes later, two cop cars pulled up, sirens blaring, four cops exiting, hands on the holsters, looking grim and deadly serious. I was shocked and stunned and infuriated. They frisked me, ran an ID on me and my car, read me the Miranda, had my car towed to the Police Pound, and hauled me to jail. All of these took place within a time period of about twenty minutes, just for my talking back to a traffic cop, and maybe because I looked Asian and the asshole racist rednecked white cop didn't like imigrants that looked Chinese. Unless you experienced first hand, not vicariously, not from reading in some newspaper, you wouldn't know about what abuse of power and police brutality, American style, would be like. During the ride to the county jail, my mind had flashes of Black Lives Matter movement, and the shooting at cops, and the names of the four pigs. I would never forget their names or faces. They might come in handy in the future.
I am a sensitive guy. I cry easily. I write poetry. I wasn't born violent. I turned violent. Humans made me. I felt I had no choice. Maybe I did. Maybe I would respond far better and differently if gentleness and acts of kindness were shown to me, but I don't care now. I like violence now. It energizes and invigorates me; it makes me entertain healthy fantasies while coping with frustrations; it forces me to wait for the right time and the right place. I understand human behavior better because of it. Or if I want to show off my facility with words, I would say, I have a better understanding of human dynamics while meditating on power and violence. I just hope I don't die because of violence, but if I do, that's the price I'm willing to pay.
Anyway, Sassy met me when I exited the building. She gave me a hug and then cried, "Oh, Roberto, what did you do to yourself? You all right? You're looking like shit. What happened to your nose?"
Sassy was an old friend of mine, figuratively and literally. We lived together on and off for five years. She loved me and I cared about her, but we quarreled all the time and fought like cats and dogs. She moved out for good after telling me that I was a "stupid failure" (sic!), after my yelling at her for being a short, fat, and ugly bitch. But even after that torrid exchange of words, somehow we stayed in touch and remained friends. So, after I got thrown into the slammer and needed to post bail, I contacted her.
"You didn't get abused in there, did you?", Sassy wanted to know.
"One black asshole tried, but I gave more than I took. I sent him to the hospital with a broken windpipe. He puked all over himself. After that, they gave me enough space and left me alone."
Sassy didn't say anything after that, but looked sad. I felt murderous and enraged again, just from talking about the altercation. I closed my eyes, counted my breath, and tried to sleep, while Sassy was druving me to the Pound to reclaim my car. I paid the storage fee and felt murderous again. The system sucked and was rigged to exploit the powerless.
I embraced Sassy upon saying good bye and added, "I really appreciated your help. I'll put the check in the mail for the bond fee. I need to get decompressed and get some sleep. I'll give you a ring. You're a really true blue friend, the kind one counts on one hand, maybe one finger. Thanks again." Sassy cried once more and, typically of her, said things she didn't have to say, "Please stay out of trouble. Your luck may run out next time. Keep your mouth shut, please. Only speak when you have no choice, not when you want to show off how smart or knowledgeable you are. Don't wear your superiority complex on your sleeve. It's only inferiority complex in disguise."
I can't help myself. I have a foot-and-mouth disease. I keep putting my foot in my mouth. I keep being outspoken and untempered in my denouncing the stupid, the ignorant, and the hypocritical. But without denouncing them and seeing their visceral reactions, I would not have known exactly how most human animals thought and operated. I am now of a firm conviction that most humans basically are very sick; stupid, ignorant, and lazy yet vain; irrational, prone to excesses and self-destruction; and must be kept at arms length in negotiations and dealings. They fear facts and truths. They are not at peace with themselves, with their inadequacies. They must lie to themselves and others. They love myths, lies, and the so-called miracles. That's why the so-called religious and political leaders are able to enslave them and live off them. If you are a theist and need a human leader to guide what to think and believe in, you are a dumb ass. Period. No need for further discussions. Most humans are also vicious and full of lies and lice; if you open your heart and your arms to them, you will get hurt.
I am a dumb ass myself, but of a different kind. A few years ago, I felt my life slipping and sledding away from me. So I moved to the desert where sun, sand, stone, and saguaro have as much claim on my soul as books, music, and long walks at night on the desert trail in cold crip winds under the starry, moonlit sky. I feel restored and connected, not with humans for whom I have developed a much needed wariness, but with nature while making peace with my coming and eventual demise.
(To be continued)
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