Do U know who U R and where U stand?

Do you know who you are and where you stand?

I think I already wrote something that touched the theme laid out in the heading of this essay, but I am too lazy to look it up. Besides, it would be fun to compare later what I wrote and what I am going to write here in order to ascertain how I think and express myself over time about a subject that's near and dear to my heart.

At an early age, I was conscious that I was different from others. I was thin and lanky and suffering from two severe speech impediments: stuttering and mispronouncing certain sounds. So, my sense of alienation and estrangement took root early in childhood. Then as I grew older, especially during and right after college, I realized that my feelings, belief systems, and values were markedly different from and definitely better than most of the  "humans" with whom I came into contact. I am more rational in thinking, more sublime and artistic in feeling, and more ethical in conduct than them. I came to a realization that I am more human in terms of evolutionary development than them, although I  am far from being perfect. My shortcomings are minor although plentiful, at least from my point of view: I am hot-tempered, undiplomatic, naive, gullible, and vengeful. But I am glad to report that I am no longer stupid and trusting with regard to women. My heart has turned to stone, after knowing greedy and lying bitches like Mad, Lund, Denise, Yvette, and Laurence. My mind has taken on a deep contempt and hatred after knowing vain and sick butches like Nympho and Darkie  Midget. 

My participation in various Internet forums has convinced me that I am in the top 5% in terms of knowledge and reasoning. The stupidity, ignorance, and viciousness displayed by the posters are staggering. So I am at peace as to who I am and where I stand in relation to the human animals in this world. 

Of course, I am not resting on my laurels. I hit the books almost on a daily basis in order to improve my mind. I am also working on my character and sensibilities. I don't want to be an animal like so many assholes and scumbags I see around me. I sometimes wonder if I would have any cathartic relief if I personally with my bare hands and feet could put an end to the miserable existence of certain human animals that have nauseated me. I have tried to view them with a sublime and supreme indifference, but a vicarious thrill of Schadenfruede keeps breaching my walls of ethics and morality. I thus admit I have a long, long way to go before I am canonized and board certified as a saint. 

Everyday on the way to work, my heart sinks as I walk by a phalanx of homeless folks sitting in an overpass bridge, begging for chump change so they could live. Seeing them triggers in me a nagging irrational fear that one day I might lose all my sense of self-respect and self-pride and I would be like one of them. However, I doubt that would really happen because I am so fucking proud of myself and arrogant and contemptuous of most of the human race that I would rather kill myself than to degrade and demean myself so I could live a few more years through the kindness of strangers. I am one of those humans who give primacy to quality over quantity. 

I wrote the preceding paragraph while the DVD of pre-1975 Vietnamese music was played in the background. My whole being was crushed by the onslaught of memories. I was truly blessed of not being forced to be in actual combats  during the long and absurd civil war instigated by the Communist North, but I lived under the specter of death and destruction and absurdity that my psyche was deeply affected by them. They and stupid ventures in the affairs of the heart and cruel, harsh world of business have shaped me into who I am. Reading, writing, and the recently acquired taste for singing have shielded and sheltered me against insanity and madness. I have seen several individuals crack under the strain and go raving mad. They kept talking about the same thing over and over again. They could not block from their minds things that bothered them. Madness occurs when the mind cannot control a thought. A thought takes over and drives the mind. Obsession is a precursor of madness. The mind is not able to take a break. Eventually it breaks down from "over-heating". Certain irrational acts such as suicide, premeditated murder, and rapes are the manifestations of the mind trying to take a break. In a way, to go mad is a sign of mental weakness. A strong mind can control what it wants to think about and blocks out the unwelcome thoughts. Shakespeare had many insights about the human mind. In the play King Lear, one character said, "shun it, it's where madness lies." There are certain things a human mind should not dwell on for too long a period of time. Excess brings excess. Things that exceeds beyond the normal range allowed by nature cannot be good. Fluctuations within normal range should be the order of the nature, and of the mind as well, since mind comes from nature. Nothing exceeds like excess. Moderation is the key to health and longevity. The same thing applies in politics. Dictatorships and tyrannies don't last long. Humans are the only animals that realize they have choices in life. When pushed to the limit, they will fight back to death as humans, ultimately, treasure dignity over meaningless existence. 

March 31, 2014