Praying and Originality

I read today that Baudelaire prayed frequently for help, but not to God. Rather he prayed to Poe, the drunk, drug-taking writer and poet of tales of macabre. Malcolm Lowry disclosed that he prayed both to God and Kafka.

I tried to pray at one time decades ago when I was suicidal, for serenity and strength so I could overcome what was stupidly bothering me. I didn't know if it worked. I have not prayed ever since. The reason I didn't go through with the idea of prematurely terminating my life was that my love for my mother was bigger than my love, ironically sounding, for myself.  I didn't want to disappoint her and cause her severe distress to the point her own life would be shortened by my own stupid act. 

Praying is an act of self-hypnosis or a form of self-deception and cowardice. Private praying is sort of okay while public praying is obscene, stupid, and of bad faith because it smells and smacks of sanctimoniousness. Humans are a strange lot. Most of them don't have a proper sense of self-respect and dignity. They have no respect for truths. And I despise them. I know, they despise me, too. But do you think that I really care? My standards are higher and different from theirs. I know that, but I wonder if they know that, too. I don't even think they are quite human yet, even though they have human appearances. 

What comes out of my pen these days are by no means original. They echo what I have read and digested. Discerning readers would see traces of Zen, Nietzsche, Freud, Sartre, Camus, Henry Miller, and Castaneda. My preoccupations are existential and truth-related. I have tried to come up with a framework of reference that is distinctly mine, but I can't. Basically, my worldview is as follows:

I was thrown into an absurd world not of my choosing. I have a choice to stay in that world or I can leave. I have chosen to stay, out of responsibility and pride. I am the sum total of my acts and my life experiences. I determine my own values. And I define myself by my acts. To act is to be. To be is to act. Others certainly define me all the time, but I don't give a shit of their definitions because I know that they are incapable of knowing and understanding me. They are too normal, too human, too animalistic. They certainly have not given any signs that they are hearing voices of higher values and higher truths. I have deduced so from their words and their acts. They have false pride and they crave for a common respect. They don't have true pride and they don't have a respect that comes from within. What they have is a touchiness that makes them squeal like a stuck pig when their "pride" is hurt. Self-respecting individuals respect and look for truths that stand the test of time and the test of logic and morality. 

Anyway, philosopher Eckhart Tolle suggests that "there may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others." I have met such a person. So in a way, I was blessed and should have one more solid reason to live because to live is to experience life to the brim, to actualize one's potential, to love and be truly loved.