Hard Way

Every time I set out to write something, I ask myself, would this be in prose or am I going to do things the hard way? 

This piece was initially was in verse, but I was not hearing the music inside me and the rhythm was in disarray so I switched to prose. Would you ever know that if I didn't show up and tell you where I was planning to go? 

Anyway, you probably think I'm talking to you, don't you? "No, you're so vain." This song is not about you, neither is it about her or them or me. It's about hard "realities" as I see them. A woman wrote to me and told me that she loved me still and probably she always will. No unexpected news there because I have helped her grow. I have helped her live a life of authenticity. I replied to her ghost that loving me is very easy because to really know me is to love me. To put up with me, however, is another matter altogether. As I am getting into the twilight of my life, I am taking stock of my current situation, come to terms with it, and be prepared to leave this world anytime, anywhere, on a short notice. I am reading (and about) Wittgenstein. I am trying to be calm and serene. If one has to die, one has to die in peace. Here's what I have learned from Wittgenstein and Wissai:

1. Never be in denial. Know who you are and where you are at all times. 

2. A person who's pining for lost love, as I used to do, is immature and stupid. If somebody stops loving you, so be it. It can't be helped. That could be one of the best things ever happened to you. Now you're going to be much wiser. 

3. Only those who have lived through the experiences as you have lived, would really understand you.

4. To philosophize is to jump into the primeval chaos and feel at home there.

5. Don't fake emotions. They will bite you on the ass. 

6. Nothing or nobody is that important to you. You are. So don't be devastated if something unpleasant happens to you or somebody you love with all your heart leaves you for somebody else. It happened to me. Many times. No, I was lying. I only loved 2 women with all my heart. They knew that and didn't give a damn about how I felt. 

Pretend to be calm and free and happy. Don't show to him or her that you suffer. He or she, I repeat, would not give a damn if you live or die. He or she just wants to get away from you in order to be with the new love. Play the game of pretense with yourself. We are who we pretend to be, deep down.

7. When you truly love somebody, it is both beautiful and scary at the same time. 

8. Poetry is the music of truly felt emotions. Some talented but bad people can write manufactured feelings, too. Be careful.

9. You know you love somebody when all you want to do is to be near her 24/7. It does not matter physically or emotionally. The mere thought of her makes you feel calm. Conversely, you know you love her no more when you are indifferent to her existence. You no longer give a damn if she lives or dies. She is now a stranger, like billions of other women on this planet. You don't even think of her, most of the time. She rarely passes through your mind or makes a ripple in there. Not anymore. You once made a mistake of loving her. You thought she was good and kind and in some ways better than you. Then one day you realize she is just a bitch, maybe a clever bitch, but still a bitch, and you walk away, emotionally first then physically later. One cannot love somebody one no longer trusts or respects. It makes no difference to you if she feels the same to you. If she does, that's even better, making you more determined to stay from her. A cheapskate woman recently accused me of being a fraud, a cheat, a womanizer, a pimp, a male prostitute, a cheapskate, a failure in life, and that no woman wants to stay with me for long, etc...Words flowed out of her mouth like a sewage spill. I was stunned  at the ferocity. She wanted to hurt me emotionally. She wanted to hurt me physically, if she could. She was cruel. Then I smiled. And I felt peace. And I told myself to be more careful and pay attention for the signs next time. We are the sum of our life experiences. This refrain, this mantra is going through my mind. 

10. We are the result of all what have happened to us and how we have reacted to them. I hope you stay good and kind, despite all bad and unkind things have happened to you. Stay calm at all things. Don't blow off steam even when an injustice has been done to you. State your case calmly and clearly. Don't raise your voice. Maintain your dignity. You certainly are allowed to feel a lack of respect for a certain scumbag asshole, but you must not show your disrespect. You are a person of finer, better stuff than her. She is a nobody. That's why nobody wants her. And now look at you and ask yourself why women like you even after you told them about her and many women in the past. The answer is that you are a man of substance. You are different from most men, but the women know you are real, trustworthy, and pleasant to be around. You are no scumbag like her. You are not a stinking asshole like her. Be careful. There are many women like her out there. 

About two weeks before she dropped dead of a heart-attack, Harriette and Wissai had a long heart-to-heart conversation. 

-Harriette, we philosophers philosophize not because we want to and enjoy doing so, but because we have to. We are struggling to find reasons to live. Wittgenstein was obsessed with death and suicide. He was a tortured soul. Camus talked about suicide. Wissai, too. We confront the issue head on because we are unhappy. We are trying to find a way out. Lesser souls don't do that. They operate on auto-pilot, on instinct. You don't see a rat kill itself, do you? It wants to live at all costs. It follows an unspoken biological imperative.

-Fuck you, Roberto. You're talking trash again. You and your philosophy and suicide. I am not as educated as you are. I only went to fifth grade. I only speak one language. And I don't read books. But I'm smart. I know I'm smarter than you. You're a fool. What do you want? Is my love for you not good enough? Who else loves you as I do? I've refused to take money from you. I'm protecting you like a mother does to her son. Be careful, baby. There's evil out there in the world. There're women who can't wait to lay their fucking dirty fingers on your hard-earned money. Don't let them. If I die before you, all the money in my safe-deposit box, along with the jewelry and the gold, the diamonds, all go to you. I already took good care of my daughters. I already gave them enough money and diamonds. So whatever I have now will go to you, including this condo, you understand? But don't you ever give any of my money and diamonds to any woman, you understand? I will come back from the dead and will kill you with my bare hands, if you do. I know after me, there will be at least 2 or 3 other women in your life. You can't help yourself. That's who you are. And I do hope they really love you as I do, but I seriously doubt that. Again, don't let them use you. Love's both easy and very difficult. I'd known 6 men before I met you. I had sex with all of them. I've flirted with dozens and dozens of men, but you're  the only man I really love, the only one I really care because you're sweet, caring, vulnerable, and sincere. And because you really understand me, besides my mother. The woman in Florida, I admit that she does love you, but she doesn't understand you, not really, not at all because based on what you told me, she wouldn't have said and done the things she did if she really understood you. And the bitch in Alabama, forget her. She's a fucking, stupid, cheap whore. She doesn't know her place in this world. She's too stuck up on herself without realizing she's a nobody. If you meet somebody better than me, just bring her to me and if I decide she is really better than me, I will let her have you. I really would. I want you to be happy. Baby, that's what I really want you to have. Happiness. You've suffered long enough, all because of women. What a fool you are. Come here, baby, to Mama!

(To be continued)