On writing

I almost twisted and sprained my right shoulder while trying to congratulate myself for a newly-acquired self-discipline. I am spilling and spewing my guts here, and not elsewhere because I no longer wish to see some motherfucker peevishly make some stupid and ignorant comment about my intention of posting my words there. Fuck them, it's their loss, not mine. I just read that a story/poem/essay isn't any good unless it resists paraphrase, unless it hangs on and expand in the mind of the reader. I am egotistical enough to assert that most of my words have that characteristic, that stamp of haunting effect on the readers because the words I chose and the way I put them together left an impression on the readers and they would inevitably say to themselves, "Gee, this fucker can write. He has a style of his own which is not like anything I've read. There's an intimate, urgent voice in his words. I may not like him because he forces me to think and to confront myself and to question my values, but I cannot ignore him. He is a tumor growing in my ass. He doesn't go away. I have to deal with him, intellectually and emotionally one way or another."

Of course, you have a conversation with yourself like the above only if there is some lingering vestige of humanity inside you. I certainly hope so. Anyway, talking about the impact of words, I just reread "The Good Man Is Hard To Find" and "The Appointment in Samarra". I felt calm and all collected and centered. I wonder if a hard man is good to find also. Whether a man is good or hard, it's not that big a deal; the key thing is whether he is for real and authentic and lives by certain bedrock principles of morality, and not some asshole who bends with the prevailing wind in order to survive or to seek fame and glory. I absolutely despise assholes like that. They have an appearance of a shameless brazenness and smugness that borders on animalistic obscenity. There is an animalistic alertness about them for any crumbs of opportunity to advance themselves by whatever means, fair or foul. To them morality means nothing. They only have one code of ethics and that is to survive by whatever means. To me, they are animals through and through. True humans are different. True humans have certain qualities that animals don't have: cultivation of the arts, compassion, forgiveness, altruism, no fear of death because they know death is just part of the process of life---the moment you are born, you are already dying, it is not how long you live, but how you live your life.

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