Consciousness and Insanity

Consciousness and Insanity

Đón Xuân nầy tôi chợt nhớ Xuân xưa

Thuở tôi tập tễnh bước vào yêu thương 

                                             RW

I am different. Everybody has told me so, mostly in an exasperating tone of voice. They keep telling me that until I believe them myself. Growing up, I thought I was normal, though I did have occasional fanciful flights of imagination, like flying undeterred and undetected through space to get into movie theaters without paying or getting into the home of a pretty, intelligent girl on whom I had a crush when I was 17 years of age. Now people also start telling me that I have mental "issues". I do not believe that. 

About 10 years ago, I stopped having romantic feelings for the girl. My heart didn't have the same flutterings of joys and sorrows as it used to have if I chanced to think of her. She had lost her magic. She was only smarter and more disciplined than me, but mundane, I belatedly realized. She should not be so earthbound. Still, she unwittingly had shaped and moulded me into who I am today. I took up writing and studying languages because of her. 

I am pleased the most when people tell me that I have artistic sensibilities because that's how exactly I would describe myself. Artistic and Violent. Incongruity is me. I like music, sculpture, painting, architecture, nature, and literature. I like to write. I don't know if I'm really an artist with words, but that's who I fancy I am. I usually write when I am perturbed and homicidal. I want to stab people's hearts and sear their minds with my words. Words are my weapon of choice. Guns can wait. 

Nobody has asked me about Fear, whether I have any. I have many fears. I am not fearless at all. I fear the most, not Poverty or Death as most men do but Failure. Failure as a man, as a human being, and as a Vietnamese who would do nothing for the country of his birth. I also fear Self-Hate. So I've been working hard all my life to live as a responsible man of Vietnamese heritage, and avoid doing things I would hate myself for doing them. I must admit I have done a few things I have not been proud of. I'm working on not ever repeating these abhorrent acts.  We all have secrets to keep, skeletons in the closet, and shame to hide. 

But do I really have mental "issues"? Do I have moments of insanity? I have come to believe that to be different does not necessarily mean to be insane. For you to be insane, you must:

1. routinely and blatantly and blithely violate social norms of behavior besides committing acts of hurting yourself physically, emotionally, and financially, 

2. fail to have a logical, rational thinking process, and 

3. have a distorted perception of Reality, of what is actually gong on; in other words, harbor illusions and delusions. This third component and the preceding second component help contribute to my assertion that the religious fanatics are in fact the manifestations of a specific insanity: believing in stupid but understandable lies, the lies foisted upon them or made up by themselves. 

I may hold certain norms of social behavior in contempt but I grudgingly go along with them. I may hurt myself physically, emotionally, and financially, but not too much and lately I have stopped those acts altogether. I always pride myself of being gifted with a rational, logical thinking process. I have no delusions and illusions. I see the world and myself with clear eyes and brutal honesty. Nobody knows me better than I do. In fact, few men know about consciousness and insanity as much as I do, having read, reflected upon, and observed closely the instances that reflect these two phenomena all my adult life. My present problem is not insanity, but contempt and the propensity for violence that goes with contempt. I must develop compassion or at least indifference to those I hold in contempt. 

I keep telling myself I must be a better man of today than I was of yesterday. So besides telling myself to cultivate compassion or indifference instead of hate and violence, I'm training my body by taking up serious running again. I run to reinstall discipline in my life, to lose weight, to keep my cholesterol and blood sugar within guidelines, to clear my mind, and to keep demons at bay. I am at 2 miles now. My goal is 6 miles in the next six months. I am going slowly because of age. I don't wish to get injured. The year 2017 will be a year of joy and serenity and peace, a milestone in my journey to 2040. ¡Viva la vida!

December 29, 2016

Ainsi Parlait/Thus Spoke/Así Dijo Wissai