Who I am and How Do I Compare with Others?

First of all, very few humans have the intellectual courage to write the following because most humans are overly concerned with public image and not with facts and truths. I do my best thinking in the twilght zone of between sleep and consciousness. Somehow some issues deep in the subconscious rise to the surface and if I take recognition of them, I gain some insights.

1. I do have religious impulses and Messiah complex.
2. I am not exceedingly intelligent. There are several stumbling blocks in my neural development and or structure which prevent me from grasping some mathematical notions although I am getting better. On the other hand, I am gifted with logic and languages. I should be gifted with math also, but I am not even though math is a logical language. Strange.
3. I care deeply for facts and truths. This fascination with reality is one of my saving graces.
4. I do have a capacity for love. And I do need love in return. Throughout my life, there is always at least one woman who professes to love me, but somehow I find the love not quite I have in mind. To my sadness, I have discovered that love is conditional and that almost all humans love themselves more than anybody else, as they should, I suppose.
5. I have had 22 serious relationships, out of those, ten women told me they loved me, but how come I feel lonely and misunderstood? I have no problem relating to women and lately I am much more subdued and wary. I don't care for sexual gratification without love. That's why I have not been to bed with a prostitute. I regard the transaction of buying and selling sex sad and degrading to all the parties concerned. The human sex organs are ugly and repulsive but under the influence of love, they can be viewed as objects of desire.
6. I can express myself far better than most. I have a lifelong fascination with words. I do regard myself superior in intellect and honesty and love to most people, thus I am a far superior human to most others who are actually animals in their hearts and intellects although they have human appearances. Yes, I do have contempt for most humans whom I regard as not evolved and developed as me.
7. Last night, as I leafed through a newly purchased book in French on the French Literarure in 20th century, I experienced peace, calmness, and pride. I should spend more time reading French and Spanish. I take exceptional pride in being able to navigate quite easily in 4 languages, and have cursory knowledge of 6 others. Trying to elevate my knowledge of the other 6 has taken a lot of time in addition to keeping up with the news and trying my hand at writing fiction and making money to survive. I do have a full intellectual plate.
8. I look at a monkey and wonder why it behaves as it does. The only conclusion I have is that it refuses to admit there are humans who know more than it does. In some areas, it just simply does not measure up. I look at other assholes and motherfuckers and ask myself why they behave the certain way. I have to conclude they are power hungry and resentful of my not-too-subtle way to assert my superiority in certain areas. I discern in them their flailings in trying to come up with sensible arguments and their pathetic sophistical efforts to score a point in logic and I feel much better about my gifts. I look at a precious few who have much bigger hearts than mine and I vow to be as kind and forgiving as they are because to get love, I must give out love.