Who Am I Redux? What to give light must endure burning

Thank you for writing to me. I appreciate that. I wrote a very long reply, but I scrapped that because upon rereading it, it sounded like I was too much into self-justifications and arguments. So here is my response in bullet points which may not be as direct and to the point as I would like, but they served the purpose of thinking out loud and from there you would deduce what kind of a person I am. Like you, I have concluded that true communication is very difficult to achieve because of two concerns: words stand in the way and fear of rejection. As strong-minded and individualistic as we all would like to think we are, normal humans (psychopaths don't count) still have an instinct for acceptance and belonging. That's why we tend to marry those who are of the same race, religion, and political views. We vaguely understand that there are other humans who think and feel differently from us, but the reality is we can't help being surprised and shocked when that actually happens. We tend to think that others would think as we do because what we think are so logical and sensible or so it seems to us. That childlike disenchantment was at the root of my strong language. Anyway, here are the points:

1. Truth is very elusive. Fools like me noisily talk about it, but probably don't know what it is. What has been driven home to me is everybody has their own version of it. Some embrace it totally and reveal it openly. Others, much more wisely, touch upon it lightly since they know it's like a bomb. So, I declined to dispute with you whether the arguments in my "goodbye" letter had holes or not, and whether I was less than truthful in saying I had no rancor in my heart. Despite saying I would not apologize to a certain individual I went ahead and apologized because I was struggling with the idea and in the end my heart overcame my pride. I apologized because it was a right thing to do. I was not proud of the way I had talked to and about that person, no matter how justified it was to me. I could have been a bigger man, instead of being little and petty- minded. Please be mindful that for some humans like me, there exists a constant valuation and evaluation of ideas and feelings. So what you perceived as dishonesty was just one facet of a multi-faceted phenomenon

2. I appreciate deeply your helping me see my back, the dark side of my moon. While I never think for a moment that my actions may have base intentions, I understand others have a right to question my motives. All my life, I have struggled to be noble. And I have fallen short, over and over again, but whatever I do, I do with a noble, good intention. Upon reflection further, if I see that my action was mean-spirited or good-intentioned but causing hurt, I would apologize. I have an active conscience because deep down I don't wish to harm anybody or living things. That is why I am into vegetarianism. As I said, I know first hand what psychic pain is and I don't wish to inflict it on others. I thought other people would approach the issue of humans versus animals in the same philosophical and rhetorical way as I did. I supposed I was influenced by years of watching programs about animals on TV. I still maintain there is a very thin between humans and animals and we humans cross that line back and forth all our lives. Only very few humans stay definitely on the human side and never once go astray.

3. I am a very gentle and tender person inside, but coarse and unrefined outside.

4. I am vulnerable and delicate, not tough at all. Years of suffering have not hardened me into a cynical, selfish individual. Not yet. And I hope that will not happen.

5. I am learning to be truly humble and gentle on the outside.

6. Knowing oneself is hard, knowing others is even harder because others are not willing to share with us who they are. Even if they do, what they share may not be who they are, not because they lie, but because they fail to understand themselves. So you see, it's all back to illusions.

7. Another lesson is that others have pride and aggressiveness too, maybe much bigger pride and aggressiveness than mine. And that's all right. Seeing how proud and self-assured they are of themselves, I am learning to be more humble and self-effacing.

8. Please overlook/disregard what was written in my blog. Remember my blog serves as a tool of self-therapy, not a means to reach others. It's my way of satisfying my need of unburdening myself and of indulging in fantasy.

9. Words are both useful and useless in communication. What's more important is our heart. The bigger it is, the more it knows how to use words.

10. I repeat and I save this one for last. Over and over again, I belatedly realize I incurred the most hurt and damage to myself was when I failed to be gentle in my communication, even when I was right. Actually, the more in the right I was, the more gentle I had to be. But I was carried away by the "beauty" of my logic and my ability to render that logic into words other than those of my mother tongue, and I hurt myself and others, as a consequence. I tend to forget the wisdom in the dictum that it is not so much what one says, but how one says it. The medium is the message.

Thanks once again for sharing your thoughts. As I see none of what I said here had a direct reference to you and your identity or anybody else, I take the liberty to post it in my blog so that the readers would understand me better since there is so much profanity and seeming grandiosity and self-preoccupation in the blog.

Wissai