Memories

Memories play trick with reality. You woke up early in the morning and you couldn't go back to sleep. Your mind wondered and of course you thought of her and how foolishly you thought highly of her in your heart for such a long time, of how you refused to wake up to a reality that you didn't mean Jack shit to her, of how she thought she was much superior to you and that explained the reason she just coldly walked away just like that. But this time you didn't feel pain, nor did you feel angry and hurt. Instead, a soft, slight, lingering feeling of acceptance of the reality that she perhaps never understood who you were and what your worth was. And then you told yourself you didn't need to find affirmation and confirmation of your worth by dashing out there in the wilderness of human loneliness and look for somebody whom you could feel whole with. No sir, you just smile to yourself and you understand why Buudha once said the biggest debt is that of the heart. You stilll can love. You still can cry. But you stop looking, not even at 9 pm on a Saturday night and you are all alone with your books. You don't have a longing for a body since you feel deep in your heart now true love and understanding are nothing but illusions. You finally achieve emotional independence. Your heart no longer constricts and you no longer wince with pain when you see a couple arm in arm, laughing and their faces radiating with happiness. No, you are above that, finally, and you don't even feel sad. That is when you know she is no longer in your heart.