To grow up

To grow up

I recall once a kind friend pulled me aside and softly intoned, "Roberto, everyone gets old, but not everyone grows up. Please grow up!" Every since, I have tried to live up to my friend's advice, to no avail. Maturity and wisdom are beyond my reach. I thus find succor and sustenance in words where my hurts and disappointments are slowly massaged into oblivion. 

Everybody has an ego and everybody thinks they are better than they actually are. Throughout my life I have tried to avoid that trap, that cheap delusion. Recently an event belied my belief that I was not into Schadenfreude. Something foul had befallen to a lying, cowardly, cheap asshole who had irritated me beyond measure. Instead of feeling sorry for him for going through a misfortune, I felt a vast indifference. Worse still, an idea came to me that he somehow deserved the tragedy for he had been evil and nasty. And the tragedy was a way for him to learn about pain and suffering that he himself had inflicted on others throughout his long life. It would have been easy for me to pretend to others and to convince myself that I was a sensitive, caring chap, but I had too much self-honesty to engage in that exercise. Life is hard. Life is cruel. And there are many, many evil-minded human animals to populate this planet. I expect no pity from them, nor do I show them pity. Maybe that's why I think I have not grown up. Regardless, as I was driving home from the other day, a stupid yet inveterate sensation invaded my being after I listened to a Vietnamese song on the old cassette. I am trying recapture the sensation in English in the below, but I seriously doubt I am able to do it much justice.

I showed up for the first date we both looked forward to.
We had spent nights for weeks talking over the phone,
Opening our hearts to each other, hoping together
We would be lonely no longer.

You were all smiles when I arrived.
I shyly said hello.
You said, " Well, we meet at last
What do you think?"

My face turned red; my heart beat fast.
My eyes blinked.
Then you stepped forward and held me.
Instantly I felt both serenity and eternity.
I foolishly thought you would feel the same
I didn't know you later brought me nothing but shame
For being naive and stupid.

(to be continued)