Words and Feelings and Who I Am

Words and Feelings and Who I Am

My sisters, my closest kinsfolks alive, the ones who grew up with me during the first 22 years of my life, turned out to be woefully deficient in understanding me. They have accused me of being shallow, tightfisted, and unattractive to women. Thus they have been scratching their heads and searching their souls as to why dozens of women of all ages and ethnicities seem to find me "irresistible". They don't know my secret and I am not telling them about it. The irony is that they are all spinsters. I think they should spend more time speculating the reasons why they didn't attract the kind of suitors that they wanted. I love my sisters but honestly, they are so different from me that we have difficulties communicating. They always think they have more class and better manners than I do. Maybe they really do, but should they always drum that into my consciousness. Too much drama. Too much melodrama, as well. In fact. That's what happening all around me. Folks fancy they are righteous and better than they really are. Vanities. Nothing but vanities.

Not too long ago, I was not unlike them. And I paid a dear price for my ignorance. Needles anger and suffering, all because of empty vanities. 

I had a physical check-up today. The nurse was aggressively rude, but I managed not to get to her level. Anger is suffering. The doctor was nice, as usual. Life is precious. Arrogance is just the flip side of inferiority complex. Rudeness is a form of aggression. It declares war on the target. Fools and weaklings are rude; wise men and strong-minded folks are always polite and considerate. They know the values of courtesy and consideration. Fools and ignoramuses think by being rude, they dare their targets to do something as a response to the rudeness. And yes, most of the time, they get the response they deserve. I was angry and pissed off for a while after an ignoramus called me "dense" and "a loser". I used to be called "childish" all the time by all kinds of folks. That was quite funny and ironic in a sense. Everybody tried to be an "adult" with me. I suppose that made them feel good about themselves since they thought they were better than me. Hell, it doesn't take much to be "better" than me while it is very hard, if not impossible to be like me. Yes, it is impossible to be as "dense" and to be "a loser" like me.

I am trying to understand John Searle these days. We only study those areas where we are comfortable with. In my case, they are language, consciousness, intentionality, art, and of course, love and longing.

Today I paid a hospital visit to a friend who was recovering from a heart-attack. She was lucky to stay alive. After the visit, I cancelled a plan to make some money. I went home instead to have a nap. Tomorrow I will be a dedicated vegetarian, instead of being an amateur. Besides, the results of the blood test, which came online, were sobering. 

(To be continued)

(To be continued)