Truths and Losers

Fantasies While in Fear and Trembling

Truths often hit me at night when the stillness of the moment brings out insights with startling clarity, not counting of my mind's recollections and flirtations with words and language usage. Those episodic arrivals of truths have comforted me and reinforced a self-image and self-identity that has furnished me with a defiant and fierce pride and conviction, not unlike the silly beliefs that theists have about their Creator. Those episodic arrivals have provided a much needed palliative for my mind's darker moments when self-destruction seems to hold much promise. I have a feeling that everybody's talents are tied up and linked with their pathologies. We are all sucked into the vortex and maelstrom of the yin and yang of warring opposites and we all struggle to find the balancing. I am drawn to the melancholy of life while having an irrepressible sense of humor. I am touched when I am shown love but I delight in making myself unlikable, let alone lovable. A friend of mine recently said both theists and atheists are wrong in their dogmatic positions and the truth is somewhere in between. I wonder by playing it safe and embracing relativism and agnosticism, he is on to something profound or whether he is facilely flippant and easy. Somehow it's easier and more "natural" for me to embrace the view that God is only a concept invented by Man, and not an entity. Anyway, I used to, in my youth and middle passage, take full and uncompromising pride in my glaring eccentricity, agitating emotionalism, and abiding loneliness. Now it appears that a vaulting pride of my "intellect" coupled with a deep contempt for the masses are creeping into my soul while outwardly I try to evince polite, mannered speech and respectable attires, and in my mind echo the haunting final words uttered by Edgar Allen Poe, the poet and writer of several unforgettable poems and short stories, during his delirious struggle with Death, "I was never really insane, except on occasion when my heart was touched.”

A loser, an ugly, poor, stupid, fat, untalented female midget kike who has chased after me for 15 years, recently characterized me as a loser like herself. Her action reminded me of a similar deed by another midget. I have learned something from these two vertically challenged bitches: cowardice, self-deception, and stupidity tend to go together. From now on, I will cut loose from my association any bitch or son of a bitch which is cowardly or self-lying or stupid, because sooner or later it would say something stupid similar to what these two midgets said about me. These two motherfuckers and pond scum suckers didn't really know what they got themselves into.