Evil and Wisdom and Existential Loneliness
Omar Sabat, a cold-blooded hired killer, called me up and cried over the brutality and alleged "evils" of the "extremist" Islamic group ISiS who surprisingly posted on Twitter and YouTube the videos of their massacre of the civilians (including early teenagers) and the captured soldiers of the Iraqi Army.
Omar asked me why I didn't cry as he did.
-Omar, you really surprised me with your humanity. I grew up during a brutal civil war. I heard and read and witnessed acts of extreme brutality. I had my share of brutality performed on me physically and emotionally. It has been a miracle that I have not turned out to be brutal and evil like others. It's true that I have much existential loneliness due to my stupid desire to be understood and appreciated. However, that loneliness has lessened with each passing day because slowly a wisdom is dawning on me. I have slowly learned to understand the human species for what it is, with its vanity and penchant for self-deception. The other day, several women somewhat mockingly asked me about my feelings for a woman of times long past. I coolly replied that falling in love with her was not a sin and that finally I accepted the realities of what transpired. She didn't have to love me and I was finally okay with that. I further told them there were several women who were smitten with me, but I couldn't reciprocate their feelings. So things have evened out in my rich romantic life. I now don't feel much of anything. I work. I exercise. I study languages. And I write. Those activities keep me very busy everyday. Of the nineteen women who have gone through my life, only two really loved me. And they were dead and gone. Love is mostly an illusion and a mirage and a game. I am not good at the game. Maybe I should not even be a player in the game. At my age, I should just concentrate on staying alive and peaceful while preparing for Death. A self-righteous asshole once opined that "The people that need love the most, deserve it the least." Well, fuck him and fuck his love! We all need and deserve love. He does not have to dispense his "love", but to say about love as he did was just plain stupidity. Love, by its very definition, is all-encompassing and non-discriminatory. It is, as a wise friend of mine put it, 'People that are difficult to love, need it the most. Love is when you sacrifice your own needs for the needs of other(s).' Omar, I think those who complain the most about being unloved are the ones incapable of being loving and thus are unlovable although they perhaps need and deserve love more than anybody else. And the ISIS group falls within this category. Hate does not change anything about the dynamics of human interactions. Only love has the power to convert the human heart. It would be too easy to love those who are lovable, but then that kind of love is cheap and commonplace, and perhaps it is not really love at all. The reason why early Christianity spread like wild fires was due to the message of unconditional love to us earthlings from God and his representative, Jesus. For the first time, in the Middle East anyway, a radical view of love was born. That view still survives in some modern day Christians. Because they believe that they are unconditionally loved by Christ/God, they act towards their fellow men the same way. It is due to this message and practice of compassion and love and charity by some Christians that Christianity is still a resilient force in the market place of religious ideas. Omar, although you are a hired assassin, in your heart of hearts, you're still very much a true Christian in the sense that Love resides in your heart and is a driver of your acts and deeds.
-Roberto, I don't know if I am as "good" and "kind" as you made me out to be. All I know is that my Dad told me when I was growing up that I must learn to forgive others, not necessarily because they deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve peace. Not to forgive others means you think they are more important to you than you are to yourself.
-Sorry, Omar, but I disagree with your father. I think his advice is redolent with machinations. What he suggested was not forgiveness at all, but merely a mechanism to survive. True forgiveness is an understanding imbued with love, and has nothing to do with achieving peace of mind. We forgive because we care about the offender, not about ourselves. We know we are stronger and bigger and better than the offender. We don't get angry with children and ignoramuses who don't really know the game of life. Adults and wise folks don't hurt others because they know it's wrong and unprofitable to do so. As I said time and time again, all it takes to be happy and serene in life is to have a true understanding of things and processes and a courage to avoid greed and overcome selfishness and self-righteousness. Here's what I read recently about realities and cognitive disonance:
" Everyone has core beliefs that make up who they are. Whether these views have been established by life experiences or are embedded in our psychology since birth, they color the way we see the world.
These core beliefs can also lead to an extreme bias that is hard to break. People get set on one idea or outcome that they ignore any evidence or data that flies in the face of their preconceived notions. Investors, like any other group, are just as guilty of these embedded expectations that can be dangerous to your wealth.
Frantz Fanon described this phenomenon best:
Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn't fit in with the core belief."
-Roberto, I think your life has been an investigation into realities and cognitive dissonance.
-Yeah, that investigation has led to a conclusion that as far as emotional and intellectual courage is concerned, I'm far superior and stronger than most of the humans I ran into. Unlike them, I don't lie to myself or to others. I respect facts, knowledge, and logic. In so many ways, I am very comfortable with myself. Yeah, we must be comfortable with our own skin, with who we are. Self-hatred is a terrible thing to carry on our shoulders. We must learn to love who we are. That self-love must begin with self-understanding and self-acceptance modified with a relentless drive for self-improvement. Sounds easy, but not many can do that. All too often I see instances of denial of realities and self-practiced. I have seen ugly and stupid bitches who think they are good-looking and smart; I have witnessed at first hand ignorant assholes who lie and cheat who think they are informed and educated. Almost everybody thinks more highly of themselves than they actually deserve. Almost all of us are cowards and liars at heart, trying to hang onto as long as possible, even at the loss of dignity and self-respect. Very few of us possess self-pride and self-esteem. What we take for self-pride and self-esteem is just stupid ego. Yes, I have both compassion and contempt for most humans who are nothing but just plain animals.
You need to understand that what I just said is not a simple exercise of denunciation of most humans while exalting myself as a stupid and ignorant bitch thought it was. Rather, it is a genuine and heartfelt search for self-identity and life's meanings. You see, a stupid and ignorant human cannot understand complex concepts. Nor can he/she have the intellectual vigor and courage for contemplation and search for truths. How can he/she? He/she is handicapped/hampered by being both stupid and ignorant. He/she can only understand simplistic concepts and thus indulges in self-projections. To get anywhere in life, intellectually and emotionally a person must first confront his/her inferiority complex, must come to terms with the issue of native intelligence and his/her limitations in acquiring knowledge, and must be aware of the dynamics of certain psychological processes like compensation, sublimation, and denial (pain avoidance) of realities.
(To be continued)
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