Lost In Love

Omar, my friend, I don't know if you know that Ernest Hemingway was fond of telling his literary friends that as writers, they must write only one true sentence, the truest sentence that they knew. My truest sentence is "I have no fear to learn who I am and I don't really give a fuck what others think of me since I already know most of them don't really understand me anyway." Could I tell you something about a friend of mine? His name is Alberto Sanchez, a native Tejano whose roots stretched back to the conquistadores' times. His family has lived in South Texas for over 400 years. He is no descendant of any Mexican wetbacks. Anyway, he is smart and sensitive but shy and introspective. Only booze could loosen him up. He has a strange, weird, unhealthy relationship with his father. They rarely talk to each other. One day while we were out eating chicken wings and drinking beer, his cell phone which was lying on the table rang. He didn't pick it up after seeing who it was. I saw the word "Dad" on the screen. After being asked by me why he didn't pick up the phone, he replied that if the call was important, his father would call back or leave a voicemail. Since Alberto was a dear friend of mine, I boldly pressed on with an observation that the whole thing sounded like there was a long-standing tension between him and his father. Alberto then lowered his head and mumbled that his father was not paying him much attention when he was growing up and that he was largely raised by his paternal grandparents. It was then I blurted out that my father beat me savagely occasionally, out of ignorance and violent outbursts, when I was a kid   Despite all that, I loved him and was very upset when he died of cancer at the age of 58, leaving me and my siblings in a financially precarious situation. Because of the way I was punished by my father, I was not physically abusive to my son, an only child. Instead I talked to my son, explaining to him why he needed to shape up his behavior. Still, I internalized the violent behavior of my father and now understand its dynamics. My father was a good man, but not very good at communication and suffered much from social frustrations. He was honest but not wily. I was his escape route for his frustrations. He was weak for choosing me as the escape route. He could have had a better understanding of fairness and justice. Anyway, in about three hours I'm going to meet again a beautiful, younger, and charming lady. 

 

Lost In Love by Air Supply

I realize the best part of love is the thinnest slice

And it don't count for much

but I'm not letting go

I believe there's still much to believe in

So lift your eyes if you feel you can

Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan

I figured it out

What I needed was someone to show me

You know you can't fool me

I've been loving you too long

It started so easy

You want to carry on

[Chorus:]

Lost In Love and I don't know much

Was I thinking aloud and fell out of touch?

But I'm back on my feet and eager to be what you wanted

So lift your eyes if you feel you can

Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan

I figured it out

What I needed was someone to show me

You know you can't fool me

I've been loving you too long

It started so easy

You want to carry on

[Chorus]

You know you can't fool me

I've been loving you too long

It started so easy

You want to carry on

[Chorus]

Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love

Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love

Lost in love, lost in love, lost in love

Lost in love, lost in love, lost in love

Yes, things and people are not what and who they seem to be. Every life experience makes me wiser. Nature is filled with indifference towards Man, but he thinks otherwise. Humans are filled with deception and self-deception, but most think they are kind and nice. Yes, it's nice to hold a thought that we are loved and cared for, but realities are usually such that they often bring tears to the gullible. 

 

 (To be continued) 

Evil and Wisdom and Existential Loneliness

Evil and Wisdom and Existential Loneliness

Omar Sabat, a cold-blooded hired killer, called me up and cried over the brutality and alleged "evils" of the "extremist" Islamic group ISiS who surprisingly posted on Twitter and YouTube the videos of their massacre of the civilians (including early teenagers) and the captured soldiers of the Iraqi Army. 

Omar asked me why I didn't cry as he did. 

-Omar, you really surprised me with your humanity. I grew up during a brutal civil war. I heard and read and witnessed acts of extreme brutality. I had my share of brutality performed on me physically and emotionally. It has been a miracle that I have not turned out to be brutal and evil like others. It's true that I have much existential loneliness due to my stupid desire to be understood and appreciated. However, that loneliness has lessened with each passing day because slowly a wisdom is dawning on me. I have slowly learned to understand the human species for what it is, with its vanity and penchant for self-deception. The other day, several women somewhat mockingly asked me about my feelings for a woman of times long past. I coolly replied that falling in love with her was not a sin and that finally I accepted the realities of what transpired. She didn't have to love me and I was finally okay with that. I further told them there were several women who were smitten with me, but I couldn't reciprocate their feelings. So things have evened out in my rich romantic life. I now don't feel much of anything. I work. I exercise. I study languages. And I write. Those activities keep me very busy everyday. Of the nineteen women who have gone through my life, only two really loved me. And they were dead and gone. Love is mostly an illusion and a mirage and a game. I am not good at the game. Maybe I should not even be a player in the game. At my age, I should just concentrate on staying alive and peaceful while preparing for Death. A self-righteous asshole once opined that "The people that need love the most, deserve it the least." Well, fuck him and fuck his love! We all need and deserve love. He does not have to dispense his "love", but to say about love as he did was just plain stupidity. Love, by its very definition, is all-encompassing and non-discriminatory. It is, as a wise friend of mine put it, 'People that are difficult to love, need it the most. Love is when you sacrifice your own needs for the needs of other(s).' Omar, I think those who complain the most about being unloved are the ones incapable of being loving and thus are unlovable although they perhaps need and deserve love more than anybody else. And the ISIS group falls within this category. Hate does not change anything about the dynamics of human interactions. Only love has the power to convert the human heart. It would be too easy to love those who are lovable, but then that kind of love is cheap and commonplace, and perhaps it is not really love at all. The reason why early Christianity spread like wild fires was due to the message of unconditional love to us earthlings from God and his representative, Jesus. For the first time, in the Middle East anyway, a radical view of love was born. That view still survives in some modern day Christians. Because they believe that they are unconditionally loved by Christ/God, they act towards their fellow men the same way. It is due to this message and practice of compassion and love and charity by some Christians that Christianity is still a resilient force in the market place of religious ideas. Omar, although you are a hired assassin, in your heart of hearts, you're still very much a true Christian in the sense that Love resides in your heart and is a driver of your acts and deeds. 

-Roberto, I don't know if I am as "good" and "kind" as you made me out to be. All I know is that my Dad told me when I was growing up that I must learn to forgive others, not necessarily because they deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve peace. Not to forgive others means you think they are more important to you than you are to yourself. 

-Sorry, Omar, but I disagree with your father. I think his advice is redolent with machinations. What he suggested was not forgiveness at all, but merely a mechanism to survive. True forgiveness is an understanding imbued with love, and has nothing to do with achieving peace of mind. We forgive because we care about the offender, not about ourselves. We know we are stronger and bigger and better than the offender. We don't get angry with children and ignoramuses who don't really know the game of life. Adults and wise folks don't hurt others because they know it's wrong and unprofitable to do so. As I said time and time again, all it takes to be happy and serene in life is to have a true understanding of things and processes and a courage to avoid greed and overcome selfishness and self-righteousness. Here's what I read recently about realities and cognitive disonance:

" Everyone has core beliefs that make up who they are. Whether these views have been established by life experiences or are embedded in our psychology since birth, they color the way we see the world.

These core beliefs can also lead to an extreme bias that is hard to break. People get set on one idea or outcome that they ignore any evidence or data that flies in the face of their preconceived notions. Investors, like any other group, are just as guilty of these embedded expectations that can be dangerous to your wealth.

Frantz Fanon described this phenomenon best:

Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn't fit in with the core belief."

-Roberto, I think your life has been an investigation into realities and cognitive dissonance. 

-Yeah, that investigation has led to a conclusion that as far as emotional and intellectual courage is concerned, I'm far superior and stronger than most of the humans I ran into. Unlike them, I don't lie to myself or to others. I respect facts, knowledge, and logic. In so many ways, I am very comfortable with myself. Yeah, we must be comfortable with our own skin, with who we are. Self-hatred is a terrible thing to carry on our shoulders. We must learn to love who we are. That self-love must begin with self-understanding and self-acceptance modified with a relentless drive for self-improvement. Sounds easy, but not many can do that. All too often I see instances of denial of realities and self-practiced. I have seen ugly and stupid bitches who think they are good-looking and smart; I have witnessed at first hand ignorant assholes who lie and cheat who think they are informed and educated. Almost everybody thinks more highly of themselves than they actually deserve. Almost all of us are cowards and liars at heart, trying to hang onto as long as possible, even at the loss of dignity and self-respect. Very few of us possess self-pride and self-esteem. What we take for self-pride and self-esteem is just stupid ego. Yes, I have both compassion and contempt for most humans who are nothing but just plain animals. 

You need to understand that what I just said is not a simple exercise of denunciation of most humans while exalting myself as a stupid and ignorant bitch thought it was. Rather, it is a genuine and heartfelt search for self-identity and life's meanings. You see, a stupid and ignorant human cannot understand complex concepts. Nor can he/she have the intellectual vigor and courage for contemplation and search for truths. How can he/she? He/she is handicapped/hampered by being both stupid and ignorant. He/she can only understand simplistic concepts and thus indulges in self-projections. To get anywhere in life, intellectually and emotionally a person must first confront his/her inferiority complex, must come to terms with the issue of native intelligence and his/her limitations in acquiring knowledge, and must be aware of the dynamics of certain psychological processes like compensation, sublimation, and denial (pain avoidance) of realities. 

(To be continued)

Trong bóng đêm đè nghẹt

Trong bóng đêm đè nghẹt

Phục sẵn một mặt trời

Trong đau khổ không lời

Phục sẵn toàn sấm sét

Trong lớp người đói rét

Phục sẵn một đoàn quân

Khi vận nước xoay vần

Tất cả thành nguyên tử

Nguyễn Chí Thiện

Within the night that chokes,

a sun is lying now in wait.

Inside unspoken grief,

thunder is lying now in wait.

Among the hungry and the cold,

armies are lying now in wait.

When a new turn the country takes,

Like atoms splitting they'll explode.

Translated by Huỳnh Sanh Thông

In the oppressive night

lies an ambushing sun.

Inside unspeakable sorrows

await nothing but lightning and thunder. 

Among the hungry and the cold

an army is amassing.

When the country takes a new turn,

everything explodes like an atom bomb.

Translated by Wissai 

June 15, 2014

Homicide and Suicide

Homicide versus Suicide

Recently my best buddy Omar Sabat took me to dinner to celebrate his latest "accomplishment". As usual, he saved his best speech at dessert time as if he wanted to spare me the discomfort and discomfiture of his heartfelt advice. He said, 

"Roberto, listen carefully. Both homicide and suicide deal with violence and frustrations, but suicide is plainly weak. I read today that there has been a surge of suicides in the Special Ops of the American Armed Forces. That news at once saddened and strengthened me. 

We must find ways to be able to sleep at night and to deal with the frustrations in life. To live is to find ways of not killing scumbags and assholes. 

Also, you must bear in mind that no bitch is trustworthy. There's much truth in the 3 Fs: find them, fuck them, and forget them. No point to kill them. The price is too steep. Let others do the killing for you. Be cool. Don't fall in love. Don't give any bitch any money. Be supremely cold-hearted and indifferent. 

One more thing, I suppose you feel that you are one step from being a cold-blooded killer like me. But you, of all people, must not take that fateful step. You must not get over the line. You, frankly, are not strong enough to deal with the aftermath. I am talking about the legal issues, not the "moral" ones. Let the pros like me deal with them. People like you must find ways to sublimate your homicidal urges. Don't be taken for a ride. Be a cynic. Talk less. The stronger you get, the more silent you must become. All true killers are strong, silent types. Speech weakens one's inner strength. Smile coldly. Rise above your childish, trusting nature. Be grateful for the life lessons that scumbags and assholes have taught you. Profit from them. Be stronger and wiser because of them. Just don't be a killer. If you need help, you know whom to call. Okay, amigo?

Listen, Roberto, the hardest thing in life, at least for me. is to learn to forgive oneself. I have tried to be my own best friend by not being too hard on myself. I suggest you adopt the same attitude. Not hard on yourself. Not hard on others. Go with the flow. Relax. Enjoy life. Don't sweat the small stuff. Stay away from scumbags and assholes and motherfuckers. Be centered. Don't ever lose control over yourself. And don't let anybody, woman or man, to have power over how you feel and act. Master your emotions. Be rational at all times. Watch out for your Ego. It may be your worst enemy. Be prideful, but not egotistical. Have a lot of respect for yourself. Pay attention to how you present yourself to the world: your attire, speech, and manners. Be guileful. Don't let down your guard. To beguile the time, look like the time. You are at war. Your enemies are watching you. Forget the notion that there are women out there who care about you. No, they are all selfish bitches. Be hard. Life is just another name for survival. If you can't survive, you can't do whatever you set out to do. Listen. Don't pontificate. Do so in your journal only, not with others. Nobody gives a fuck. They have their own problems and perspectives to fall back on. Don't be eager to impress others. You are not that good or special. I repeat, silence is your friend. Killers don't open their mouths unnecessarily. They only speak when they have to. All effective killings in nature are done swiftly and silently, not noisily and messily. 

I see that you're not saying a word to what I've been speaking. Either you're being polite or you're taking everything in. Either way is good. I know you're being prideful and trying hard to make progress in the game called Life. The source of most unnecessary sufferings is the inability to handle existential loneliness. You must remember that of all the bitches and assholes that you have known, nobody is really decent when tested. Nobody. Sadly, you are the one who has proved to be emotionally and morally superior to all of them. Your only shortcomings are in the social area. You haven't bothered to learn to act and be guileful. Again, to beguile the time, look like the time.

   '..... O, never

Shall sun that morrow see!

Your face, my thane, is as a book where men

May read strange matters. To beguile the time,

Look like the time. Bear welcome in your eye,

Your hand, your tongue. Look like the innocent flower,

But be the serpent under it. He that’s coming

Must be provided for; and you shall put

This night’s great business into my dispatch,

Which shall to all our nights and days to come

Give solely sovereign sway and masterdom....'

Blend with your environment. Be pleasant and patient. Be hard when necessary. Don't be soft-hearted. Nobody is soft-hearted to you. Be strong emotionally. Don't wilt under pressure. Be resilient. Learn from your mistakes. Don't be sentimental. Nobody is sentimental about you. So what, if inside you the milk of human kindness is drying up. Longevity is the best revenge. Fuck kindness! Be defensive emotionally. Don't lose your heart or your head. Be cynical. Don't bother to reply to dumb asses and idiots. Ignore them. They're nothing but stinking shit that attract flies. If you pay attention to them, that means you are a fly. Pretend that they do not exist and they mean nothing to you. Yeah, they all think they smell sweet and are smart and clever and loving. What a joke! They are unwitting clowns. All of them. All empty talks. All defensiveness. All ignorance and stupidity. You have wasted enough of your time with them. Time to move on with your life. Erase them from your mind. Be cool.

Let me paraphrase some words of wisdom from a guy for whom I have a lot of respect as a thinker and a poker player. I have applied his thinking to my own profession as a hired killer.

1. A success is just a win, a moment in time, a label that the world gives to you. Don't get too attached to the label. 

2. Mastery of any pursuit is not a commitment to a goal, but the constant pursuit of improvement. No mastery is quite like the mastery over yourself. We thrive when we stay at our own leading edge. That is where growth happens. 

3. We must be careful not to be victims to the "Dunning and Kruger effect". These behavioral scientists showed that in a particular field, people 

-tend to overestimate their skill level.

-fail to recognize genuine skills in others.

-fail to recognize the extremity of their inadequacy.

All these happen because of Ego. Be realistic and objective. Respect facts and truths."

Do I look like a "Loser"?

Why Do I Write?

Why Do I Write?

Assholes rarely ask themselves the above question. Fuck, they don't usually even bother to ask the most fundamental question: Why do I want to live? They just live, like barnyard animals, while fancying that they are complex organisms and few real humans, if any, would understand them. Assholes tend to give themselves too much credit and false bravura of self-confidence. Then if suffering and misery arrive, they lift their heads to the sky and ask their "God" a stupid question" "God, why me?". I told you, life is a comedy if you know where and how to look. 

Yesterday, there were so many comedies and farces that I thought I was at a "Feast of Fools". If a man cannot handle or practice silence, he would be overwhelmed by noise. Ever since humans arrived on the scene, the planet Earth has been suffering from the surfeit of noise. 

Life is a relentless march to oblivion and extinction. We must do so in silence and equanimity. Fuck, silence is equanimity. Assholes never know I know about silence. They look at my "behavior" and automatically assume that I know nothing about silence. What they see leads them to "think" that they know about the nature of things and organisms.

Something is dying inside me. The more empathy I gain, the less sympathy I have. Indifference is taking over me. I still have some moments of peace, however. Yesterday, for example, as I gave an elderly black bum some change, he thanked me and smiled wanly.  Later in the evening as I was sitting cross-legged and counted my breaths, I was thinking of that smile. I of course could not my breaths for long. I couldn't concentrate. The wan smile kept coming back to me. I think I detected some trace of pride and embarrassment from the man from his smile. Sometimes we smile so we don't have to cry or rush out and kill a bunch of innocent people. If we have to kill, kill those who made us suffer. Hunt them down and kill them all, one by one. That way, we may regain our peace. Start with the one that "thinks" that others are "dense" and  "losers". Fuck, the midget kike bitch is too stupid that it is barely monolingual and can hardly express itself coherently. No man wants it. And it goes around fancying itself that it is a "Buddhist" and calls others "dense" and "losers". Fuck the insolent motherfucker! Gas it and throw it into an incinerator where it belongs. Heil Hitler!  Do I look "dense" and a "loser" in this photo?

Father's Letter

Have a nice birthday tomorrow, Bách. 

1. Find reasons to live for, my son. 

2. Life, in essence, is a game with simple but hard to follow rules, but one has to follow them if one is to be happy and to be a winner.

3.  No matter how unenlightened folks treat us, we must not be like them. Stay away from them is the best policy. Practice the Golden Rule with a twist, i.e., no retaliation, only avoidance because if we retaliate, we incur lasting enmities and we must subsequently watch our backs forever. That's not a fun way to live. Forgive if we can, otherwise just forget and avoid. 

4. Know the difference between Ego and True Pride. Ego usually is associated with Anger and Revenge. Pride involves true self-respect and dignity. Pride forces us to improve ourselves from our mistakes. Ego is just empty talks and no actions for improvement.

5. Read and meditate on the words of Desiderata on a daily basis.

6. Keep on exercising everyday. It's a great stress-reliever. It's also a good way to combat Anger.

7. Please drive safely. Value your life.

I am not preaching to you. I just want to share my hard-earned life lessons with you because I care about you and you are my flesh and blood. I want you to be happy and wise. Don't let one SECOND of Anger ruin your life. Some mistakes are irreversible and change our lives for the worse forever.

Remember, you are my only child and you can count on me, I promise. 

I love you, Bách.