Memoir 8

The defensive and obsessive protection of her interests led to your diminution of affection for her. That was probably why you dreamed of KL last night. This was your third dream in 44 years. You kept your affection hidden. Once in a blue moon, it comes out in dreams. Yet when you woke up, the image of Laura appeared and you felt sad. You vowed to yourself that you must regain your wealth, work on your body and mind. You keep making the same mistakes in reading people. And your compassion seems constantly misplaced. Watch your words. Seal your lips. And please be more gentle with yourself and others. Forgive and forgive and forgive. Stay away from evil people. You are not strong enough to deal with them.

Watch your words, seal your lips. Be gentle to yourself and others. Those are your mantras. There are humans who can't reason, can't see the errors of their ways or are too weak to change for the better. On the other hand, there are people like LL who are unselfish and full of kindness. Your lack of attention to a string of emails of Denise led to her epithets-filled text messages. Thanks to those messages, you got to know her true nature. This morning, as you meditated, memories of Laura rushed back and made you realize that love was a game and you were ill-equipped to deal with it. Remember, don't try to break the mold or to swim against the tide. Most humans are just common. Work on yourself, not on others. Be kind-hearted, but don't harbor a Messiah Complex because you are not strong enough to save anybody. As Flannery O'Connor once famously said, "the life you save should be your own." You're trying to save yours. You have reached a point in your life where you find out that what you thought was important turned out to be trivial and ephemeral. So you now aim for peace, knowledge, and love. Also, you no longer want to be great. You simply want to be a good, peaceful person who is no longer consumed by hate and anger. Just as Denise vainly and sadly denounced you and loudly asserted for the respect that has eluded her, you have a feeling what people dislike most about you is what they hate about themselves. Your words about animals, cowardice, pontification, lying, irresponsibility, and lack of patriotism all hit home because they were all true. You wrote from the heart. You wrote what you feared the most. Your life is an effort to be what you know you can be, an answer to what is good and noble inside you. You have this vague, but intense wish to be open and vulnerable, but past pains and sufferings have taught you to be patient and indiifferent to the wish. You once expressed your state of mind as being strong and tranquil, causing consternation and concern in others. And they all fled away from you. You were not angry. You were just amused and rode out the disappointment. A man's life is the sum of his experiences and the lessons he learned from them.