It's quite obvious that you are afflicted with ego problem, not mercantile obsession. You are not as much keen to make money as to be loved by women. Having a lot of money does not give you a serene, peaceful feeling as you are showered of attention by members of the fair sex. And that means you are inveterately stupid and have not learned from experience. Deep down, you are a flirt, albeit a shy and honest one. Anyway as you interacted with the women, you couldn't help imagining that was how Laura must have carried on with her new beau. The realization tempered your enthusiasm and brought a much-needed wariness. Life is essentially a game where one has to play by certain rules to win. Having said that, you recall an asshole once disclosed that it was okay to hit opponents below the belt because the objective in life was to win at any price and at any cost. You shuddered when you heard of that disclosure. And you have stayed away from the moral leper ever since because you are not ruthless enough. You still believe in fair play. Anyway, despite all the annoyance lately, you have managed to stay above the morass of moral depravity. You have some pride of who you are. Like last night, as you were about to fall asleep, the phone rang. And the caller ID was blocked. You picked up the phone anyway. It was she. You were surprised, but you were not elated. In fact, a wariness rushed into the scene, ready to protect you.
She said, hi, can we talk?
-Hi, but gee, you know what the time right now, right? Fuck, it's almost one in the morning, Annie.
-I know, sorry, but I can't sleep, and I was thinking of you.
-Thanks a lot, I wish you had done that five years ago. Anyway, what's up? Did Joel leave you as I said he would? Or is it another heart-rending story of how life was unfair to you. I'm sorry, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a fuck. Not anymore. I made up my mind about two years after you left, that you don't mean shit to me. Do yourself a favor, don't call me again because I would hang up on you. Bye!
And you did. And you felt sad and sorrowful despite the bravado you had just put on. You once loved Annie. You wanted to save her. You felt sorry for her. But you soon discovered that you were the one who should be pitied. You were naive and stupid and didn't realize love was just a fucking (pun intended) game. You recently met a French-speaking video poker gambler who has been on a massive winning streak. She won $400,000 over 4 long Memorial Day holidays. She has houses everywhere, even on a little island in the Caribbean. You told her she had better quit now, right away, at once, and immediately if she wanted to preserve her wealth. Your words fell on deaf ears. She said she had a "system" and she was "beating" the casinos for over 27 years. You couldn't believe your ears. You didn't believe her. Knowing that she loved the limelight and attention, you would deduce she would have made her "success" known to the press and thus the whole wide world. Since there was no such news, she just tried to show off she was wealthy while in fact her wealth is in fact disappearing because of her addiction and her delusions. You tried to help her, but since she was delusional, you walked away. You can't help somebody who does not want to be helped for whatever the reason(s). The more you know about humans, the more you realize all of them carry within them at least one seed of self-destruction. The seed will germinate when the circumstances are right. You know your limitations and your own seeds. Meanwhile you are working on yourself, being mindful of your own illusions and delusions, talking the lessons from Lao-Tsu, Buddha, and Nietzsche. The two Asian sages taught you the virtues of moderation and non-attachment while the poor German taught you just about everything else, including all the attractions and pitfalls of power, morality, love, and vanity. This morning you got out of bed, feeling strong and serene and tall, not sad nor small. You will conduct and carry yourself with dignity. Your words will be measured and compassionate. You won't beat the blockheads, the uninformed, the vain, the inarticulate and uneducated but suffering from a delusion that they are articulate and educated solely because of some certificates, the sophistical, the cowardly, and the selfish, with your verbal two-by-fours. You will be gentle and you will be kind while establishing that you are the intellectual boss and that they are fortunate that you take the time to teach them how to take think and argue.
Having read what you just wrote the above, you realize you are nothing but strong and serene. You are indeed sad and small. You have a long way to go. You were not proud of what you wrote. There was still too much anger, too much sadness. Agnes and Laura, and now Gracie affected how you wrote.
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