Me, You, and Dream

Me and You and a Dream 

I woke up with a start, a fart, and then a faint, sardonic smile. Omar got me appointed as a professor at a local college, with a modest salary. The dean loved Omar, the hardest-working faculty member. And Omar had lobbied the dean on my behalf, without my knowledge. Omar texted me with the news, asking me when I was going to move to Dallas. Fall semester was only 6 weeks away.

I have often been queried if I am a professor of some kind. My stock answer is that I could have been, but my life has taken a lot of detours and now I am just a joker, a poker player, a word player (not yet a wordsmith, not yet a writer), a philosopher, and a thinker. Does that make me more a happy, proud contented fellow than if I am a college professor? I really don't know. I made a lot of critical decisions more from the calls of my heart than the dictates of my mind. Anyway, I am digressing, as usual. As I said, I woke up with a start and a fart. Today is Sunday. It is scorchingly hot where I live. The temperature is climbing to 118 F. I just parted the bedroom curtain. Sunlight was dancing. The sky was more than blue. There was not a single fluff of cloud in the sky. The sun was king; it was shining brightly, perhaps too brightly

Based on my recent anti-Christianity polemic posted on various Internet forums, a stupid and rabid Christian wrote to me:

"I just threw up in the bathroom. I wished I could have thrown up in your face. You are a repulsive, repugnant, ridiculous asshole. Because of you, I don't think God exists anymore because He could not possibly have created someone like you. Thanks a lot, pal!"

I swiftly sent him a riposte:

"Your brief bellyaching was music to my ears. Glad I was of help. Keep up the new Faith."

Christians, especially the evangelical variety, are unwittingly and ridiculously "funny" and stupid folks. They cannot think straight. Their mind is like a mushroom. Their leaders keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit and straws. A person who can really reason cannot possibly accept Christian dogmas and doctrines since they are blatantly nonsensical and fly in the face of scientific knowledge and logic and common sense. More perniciously, they rob the believers of human dignity. They make them become spiritual slaves. They cannot really proud of who they are unless they have lost all vestiges of rational thinking, and yearnings for truths.

My writings echo the sentiments of Jack Henry Abbott and Tucker Max. We tried to fit into a system called society. 

Abbott failed because of a lousy start in life and too much violence and not enough compromise. He ended up killing himself in prison. He was not really tough. A tough man would endure and endure and endure, and then finally would free himself from what had assailed him. A tough man would not give up the fight. He would fight on to the very end. To give, to surrender, to give in to the sweet sirens of nothingness is unacceptable to him. A man's worth and dignity are laid bare when he is fighting, not when he meekly surrenders. 

Tucker Max had success because he used humor. I have avoided really bad outcomes because of good luck and of using words as an outlet. Life is a game, an unending struggle for survival. Love is also a game. Love is what you do in order to create an illusion that you care. Well, almost. There was a woman who really loved me. Henrietta was her name. She was Puerto Rican. We ordinarily conversed in English, but when she was mad, she lapsed into colloquial and vulgarity-filled Spanish that I had troubles following. She was the only woman who refused to take any money from me. She said I worked very hard, too hard for my money. She didn't feel right in accepting it from me, especially after learning how people had treated me when I fell from grace about 17 years ago. I never forget what she had said a few weeks before she succumbed to s massive heart attack at dinner, "Roberto, remember this. Nobody loves you like I do. Nobody besides your own mother, I mean. No bitch understands you like I do. All those fucking bitches want are money and good sex, not love. You have love within you, but you let the women use you, abuse you, and then you get mad, you scream, shout obscenities at them, and that's over between them and you. After I am gone, get a dog, keep busy. Don't go near any fucking bitch unless she is as sweet and giving and loving and understanding like me. You understand? Now come over here Baby and give Mama a kiss."

But I didn't listen to her advice. I was massively lonely after she died. I couldn't bear being alone in the condo. I saw her, heard her, and smelled her while I was being there. So, I went on a cruise to escape the crushing, haunting memories. I met a woman during the cruise. We hit it off swimmingly at first, but after a few weeks of dating, she bored and infuriated me for her dishonesty and pretentiousness. I fired off a scathing email missive as a way of firing her:

"You are a pretentious, stupid, ignorant bitch. You are a (gad)fly in intellectual pursuits. I doubt if you know anything about sociobiology and ethology. You don't even know how to spell "sociobiology". I also doubt if you are up to par in the age-old debate of nature versus nurture. You lack intellectual honesty. You have a soft, not burning, desire for intellectual matters, but none of the rigor and discipline to attain knowledge. Knowledge does not really fascinate you or consume your time. Floating Anger is what ails and plagues you. Your only recourse is biting sarcasm to assert your weak will. Face yourself squarely. Take ownership of your life and confront your own deep dark insecure self instead of lying to yourself and others. But you are not the only one who behaves this way. Emotional and intellectual cowards behave exactly as you do.

I never said I was any good at writing short fiction. My stories are just my way to fuck around with the English language, to have fun with it, to while away the time, and to deal with the homicidal urges inside me. I write so I won't have to kill. It's not that I am fond of finding faults with people, but I can't stand phonies and liars like you. You don't know fuck about sociobiology and ethology, so why didn't you say so instead of mouthing off to me as if you knew something about the subjects? That was precisely the part of you that I found nauseating and disgusting. I am different from you. If I don't know shit about a topic, I just say so. I don't have an ounce of intellectual pretence inside me. I can't know everything. And there are so many folks who are much smarter and more knowledgeable than me. I am here on this planet to learn, not to teach. You were lucky that I chose you as a student, but you were so fuckimg dumb that I don't want to teach you anymore. So get the fuck off out of my life. And stay away from me, dumb bitch!"

She stayed away for a few weeks, but crawled back. But I was resolute with my decision to stay away from her because I knew I got nowhere with her. She was as phony as a three dollars bill, and had a tongue of a nitwit who knows nothing but cheap sarcasm. She kept saying she wanted to be my friend. Having a friend like her is like having a constant case of constipation. I would feel bloated and lethargic; I would pollute the air with unceasing farting.

It has been three months when I last saw her. I am feeling great and liberated. The albatross finally got the message. It flew away. My neck is free of it."

No, it was not bleak brutality that I was dishing at the bitch in my farewell missive to her. I was merely seeking catharsis and balance. The bitch infuriated me for her stupidity, ignorance, and unrelenting sarcasm. She was not the one only bitch that infuriated me in my turbulent, troubled life. Henrietta was right: I had no luck with women. It seemed that I met only evil, calculating, selfish women. 

Henrietta was a deeply religious and spiritual woman. She prayed a lot, for me especially. She wanted me to open my heart to the deities she believed in. She said if I really believed in them, the deities would provide me with affection. I didn't want to argue with her. I went along to please her. To me praying, especially done together by many participants in a public setting, is a form of self-hypnosis and mass hysteria. The more participants, the more powerful are the effects of self-induced dishonesty. 

Man is a strange animal. It is very susceptible to neuroses and psychoses. Very few humans are honest with themselves, let alone with others. 

Meditation is ok as long as it involves "emptying (or ignoring) the mind of fleeting thoughts" so the brain is at rest and yet aware and self-aware, like letting the muddy water in a glass container settle down. If we don't shake the glass container, we will see the insolvent impurities in the water settle down at the bottom of the container and the water reflects well light and especially the moon on a clear night. Our mind receives truths better when it is not disturbed, not muddy. 

When people seek enlightenment from a master/guru, they make themselves very vulnerable and highly susceptible to mind control from unethical gurus. In the final analysis, it's best to be your own guru. However, not many people can be their own gurus. To be weak/stupid is to be attacked and exploited by unethical "masters". Only look for the gurus with true hearts/true compassion and love. Usually those gurus who don't care about Ego, Fame, Material Comforts, or Money are the true, compassionate, unselfish gurus. 

True Love is to give oneself to others, not to take things (including money) belonging to/donated by others. Sharing is ok, but there is a very fine between taking and sharing. Sharing means I temporarily take custody what is yours, but I understand these things are not mine. You are welcome to take them back anytime because I never own them in the first place. You own them. They are yours, not mine. How many masters/gurus do you know have this kind of attitude? TNH is an intelligent, sensitive, and shrewd operator/guru, but he is not an enlightened human being. He lied (ref: he alleged that 300,000 people died in Bến Tre because of American bombing). He was untempered in speech (ref: insensitive remarks about 9/11/2001 terrorist destruction of the World Trade Center) and attire. He spoke/lectured/sermonized often of peace and serenity, but from his facial expressions, we could see that he was full of wanton pride. Don't take me wrong, I am sympathetic with and receptive to Buddha's teachings and generally allied myself with Buddhist cause in Vietnam, but currently there are many unethical men ( both of Buddhist and Christian affiliations) in or originating from Vietnam taking advantage of insecure, weak-minded, poorly-educated, superstitious folks in order to gain earthly powers and money. They can fool gullible folks for a long time. And they have succeeded in doing so. 

A quick and simple way to assess a person's level of enlightenment: does that person respect truth, have true love and compassion, and are unselfish, or that person loves power, money, and fame? 

Remember, Man is an animal that loves the game of deception. It enjoys deceiving others because it thinks it is smarter than others. Deception gives it a sense of power and brings it joy. Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing. Beware of ngụy quân tử (fake gentlemen) , who advertise themselves as "người tử tế" (kind-hearted folks) but in fact are liars, misers, and manipulators. I have personally known many of them, some occasionally get on the forums acting piously, but they are nothing but a bunch of jackasses that love power, money, and the limelight. They are no different from the VC leadership. They only care for themselves, and never for Vietnam and the Vietnamese people. They use others to advance themselves. 

Most humans are pure animals. They haven't evolved to become true humans. They are driven by biological urges and cravings for power; they are under the sway of ego, fame, envy, and inferiority complex. If you show disdain, contempt, scorn, or disrespect, they would predictably react with anger instead of reflecting if your expressions of disdain, contempt, scorn, or disrespect are justified. No, they don't have that kind of intellectual and emotional capability because they are not yet humans. Their reactions tell the world that they are insecure, envious, stupid, sophistical, and ridden and riddled with inferiority complex. 

(to be continued)