Why I Am Acting The Way I Am. A Rambling Discourse
Life is an endless, conflicting series of demands and needs between Self and Other(s). That statement is a self-evident fact and a truism. Those who disagree with the statement should read no further. You're too dumb and ignorant to understand me. The world is divided into two perpetual groups: majority and minority, just like the state of human affairs and most of the conditions in the physical world: the rule/average and the exceptions. One must know to which category one belongs. The exalted and sublime or the common and humbug. The Soaring Eagle or The Barnyard Chicken.
Unlike Nietzsche who fearlessly wrote a book ("Ecce Homo") in which the chapters bear headings Why I Am So Wise, Why I Am So Clever, Why I Write Such Good Books, Why I Am a Destiny. I cannot brag of similar attributes and accomplishments. Humans long for possessing talents and accomplishments that set them apart from the rest. It's sad and depressing and damaging to one's ego and conception of oneself if one cannot find a single thing/attribute/ability that makes one feel good about oneself. It's a tough job to resign oneself to the fact that one is a plain Joe, boring, average, undistinguished, unnoticeable, just like a pebble on the beach or a grain of sand in the desert. That's why most average, common, untalented folks lie, exaggerate, make up stories about themselves, and slander others so they could feel better about themselves or bring others down to their level. Very few of them are happy with the way they are and their lot in life. I maintain that in order to be happy we must know who we are and where we stand in relation to others. Reality is what it is, not what we say it is or what we wish it were.
In the realm of ideas, Nietzsche had at least one original idea about morality; Wittgenstein had at least two about language; Descartes elevated the common sense about dualism into a cogent system of thought while Buddhism exposed the nonsense of dualism, with increasing support by modern theoretical physics. Freud had something to say about the conflicting nature of man, especially the Death Wish side of it. He might also be on the right track about the roots of human sexuality and love. I have wrecked my brain to see if I have any original idea/exceptional talent, and I have found none. It's very unlikely I will find one before I die. However, I must say this: I have more self-honesty and intellectual honesty than most folks. A mediocre asshole who cannot bear seeing others outshine him loves to gratuitously and blithely dish out insults but has no courage or fair play to take any insults in return. A flunkie bitch brazenly accused others of being stupid flunkies. We hate others for what we hate inside us.
Anyway, while I have not published any poems, stories and essays---and it's unlikely I ever will. I lack true vanity and self-confidence---I have a nagging idea that among Vietnamese-Americans, very few could rival me in translating Vietnamese poems into English. I sometimes wonder how far I could go with English if I have not spread myself too thin. I don't have to be curious about languages other than English. And I must not waste my time interacting or debating with assholes and scumbags and flunkies. Still, I must admit that I am fascinated by the behavior of those who are infected with degeneracy and morbidity.
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