Flaskbacks

Flashbacks

Yesterday I met somebody from the past. He reminisced of past times which brought back unpleasant memories, but I coped all right. Memories are only important--good or bad---if we let them. Man is a wondrous being if he knows how to harness his mind and if he has a clear understanding of the nature of things. People suffer because of their ignorance of the workings of the human mind and let "intangible" and yet very "real" "things" like ego and pride hurt and even destroy them. The more I live, the more human behavior fascinates me. Most of what humans act (my own behavioral patterns included) are not driven by facts and realities, but by wishful thinking and cravings for insubstantial and unworthy concepts and "values". 

At any rate, what matters to me now and in my remaining time on earth is my daily attempt to control and master my emotions while preparing for my inevitable death. I must live my remaining life with insouciance, peace, and utter contempt for the human animals. I must have an airy, light, happy attitude about "things". As Ralph Emerson once remarked, truths are beautiful but so are lies. Make use of both if you are after beauty. I was once affected---like everybody else, I guess---by beauty. But nowadays, I value honesty and loyalty more. I write so I can get there, hopefully.

I used to love harping on the fact that I lived for facts and truths. But Pontius Pilate, if my recollection is correct, once rhetorically asked Jesus of Nazareth, "What is truth?" And the good Russian doctor turned playwright and short story writer Chekhov  once said through a character in his play, The Cherry Orchard, "What truth? You see where truth is, and where untruth is, but I seem to have lost my sight and see nothing." 

I was kind and patient to a boorish fellow, but he mistook my kindness and patience as symptoms of an unbearable loneliness or weak will. He didn't understand me. A female friend of many years didn't understand me either. She kept saying she loved me as if her love would overcome and transcend everything, including her lack of understanding me. Ego and pride, while "intangible", are very real to me. They are the prime determinants of my behaviors. I do things mostly not to further my physical existence, not to obtain money or to attain fame, but to validate myself, to seek self-confirmation as a sensitive, intelligent, creative, artistic human being. He and she said and did things that pissed me off. So I am staying away from them. I am not emotionally masochistic. Far from it. 

I also know a sensitive and artistic fellow who is very proud of being a chameleon in dealing with people. But in my book, being sensitive and artistic and chameleonic does not really mean shit if you are also cowardly and ungrateful and deracinated and don't give a damn about your native country, especially if it needs your help. In addition, I think once you are a barbarian, you stay a barbarian, regardless of the fact that you are at the gate or not, or if you have money or not. You can be rich, but still an ignorant, stupid, vulgar, pontifical, sophistic barbarian. As regards myself, I may be obsessive-compulsive and somewhat vulgar, which is not necessarily confined in my predilection for earthy language. So don't think I don't know myself. But unlike many others, I don't have an inflated sense of self nor do I try to affect a civilized and humble personality. 

Many years ago, Tony, a friend of mine who was in the contract business told me, "Everybody dies, Roberto. It's a just matter of when. So make up your mind if that's you or some quack doctor who gets paid for somebody's death. If you're interested, I'll show you the ropes." I declined his kind offer because I had neither the courage nor the cynicism required to be in the business. But I have stayed in touch with Tony in case I need a helping hand. 

Nevertheless, I remember one basic lesson Tony was kind enough to inculcate in my consciousness, "Remember, never think of yourself or put yourself into a position as a prey. Aways think you're a predator, an alpha male, and train yourself to act like one: with alertness, purpose, and confidence. We all die once. Nobody dies twice. Don't fear death. Fear will paralyze you and make you weak. Think of yourself as a samurai. Immerse yourself in the knowledge of Bushido. You have three weaknesses: you talk too much; you confide in people whom you hardly know; and you seek sympathy. Remember, a hard man is good to find, not a good man is hard to find. Be hard, not good. Good may get you killed. Finally, don't let ego rule you. A guide, yes, but not a ruler. You are the ruler, not your ego. So don't stand out. Be an Everyman. Be incognito. One more thing about ego. Don't ever think your life is better than anybody's else, even if that person is a scumbag or a  homeless guy. You're wrong if you think like that. That's ego thinking. That's stupid thinking. Your life is valuable to you because it is yours. It is no more or less valuable than anybody else's. Forget about gene selection and propagation. That's sentimentality talking. You will suffer if you are sentimental. Be hard, not sentimental."

I like Tony's unadorned, hard-hitting, direct style of speaking. Of course, I didn't take to heart my friend's advice. I did everything opposite of what he had told me to do. It has been a miracle I am still alive today. But I am changing. Finally. I really want to live, now that most people I know are dropping dead. Death is the end point of a life and should be the definite and final point. But Man is an organism steeped in delusions and wishful thinking.  So he invented all kinds of religion and as far as I know, the main ones (monotheistic religions originating from the Middle East, and Hinduism and its offshoot, Buddhism) all stress that Death is not final and many humans actually believe that. Some of them also believe in the physical locale of heaven and that's where they are going to reside after they die. Some of them even they are going to live again, in another incarnation as a human. Man is very strange and deep down not rational at all, if you ask me. He is the only self-conflicting animal on this planet.