Sunday, June 30, 2013

To love and to die

To love and to die

A stupid ignoramus laughed at me publicly about my love writings
He said that a man over sixty had no business talking about the heart's flutterings
Obviously, being stupid and ignorant, he didn't know that love had no age limitations
In fact the older we get, the more we need love
We all long for love arriving on the wings of dove
Life has not much meaning if love is not present in our lives 
We all feel a need to be fortified
That we are needed and appreciated for who we are
Even if we have no house nor car
The search for love is never-ending
The older we get, the search gets more heart-rending
I have seen it with my own eyes
That makes me want to cry

With regard to the stupid, ignorant dude, I should feel sorry
Because on top of being stupid and ignorant
He's downright ugly
Maybe he was just being envious of me
A drop-dead gorgeous, charming gentleman
To whom ladies have flocked like bees to honey

Gene, my new dear friend, has been telling me
"Bob, be kind with your words
Keep a green bough in your heart
And the birds will keep on coming
Forgive and forget those who have offended you
For they are stupid and don't know any better
If you get angry with them, you show you're no different from them
Love, Bob, love
You have received plenty of love from the ladies
Now return some of it to your fellow men
Even if they're stupid, ignorant, and ugly
They, more than you, need love, especially from you"

Omar, my best and saintly friend, did not talk as much as Gene
He quietly told me last night
"Roberto, all that anger you harbor inside
It's not good for you, mi amigo
Let it go, let it fly, set it free, and you'll be free"
In tears, I embraced him and told him he was right

So this is an "ode" to love, to the softening of my heart
I am smiling and grinning from ear to ear
I am sending love to the ignoramusus and pontificators
To all the emotional and intellectual midgets and frauds
I have taken to heart my friends' advice
I love you in spite of who and what you are
Because I don't want to have hate in my heart when I die

Wissai
June 30, 2013

Saturday, June 29, 2013

The issues of Character, Fate, and Death

O.J.Simpson, Ego, Violence, and the issues of Character and Death

They say character is destiny/fate. Like any saying, the statement has limitations in validity. Obviously, it does not take  into account the factor of chance. However, in the cases of OJ and the other man, the element of chance was absent. The two ex-football stars are in jail because of their character.

Ever since I came across the phrase,"Character is Fate" in my Shakespeare college class in 1969, it has haunted me. The way my life has turned out is due largely to my character. I have modified my character to some extent but the inner core has been the same since childhood. 

I am still abrasive, but I no longer gloat on my victories and I now gracefully accept my mistakes, errors, and defeats. I am more acutely aware of my mortality ever since quite a few of my contemporaries started kicking the bucket, biting the dust, and saying goodbye to all that was near and dear to their hearts. I am positive, certain, absolutely sure that they are dead, extinguished, gone, and never going to come back. Death is death, in my book. No heaven, no hell, no reincarnation bullshit for historical, time-bound organisms. 

I am living the remainder of my life as if I have only one more week to go: with more honesty, dignity, joy, and freedom. I have a few regrets, but I have made peace with my conscience. I wish I had more courage and love in my heart so I would do more for Vietnam. But I have done what I could have done, given my limitations. One thing I just decided I would never do since Aaron Hernandez was arrested:  I would not resort to violence as a solution to my problems. Violence is not a solution, unless it is purely a matter of self-defense. More often than not, it adds to the problem, as OJ and the other man already found out. 

As I stated in an earlier piece, we are what we think, not what we feel. What we feel is in reality the early phase of what we think. The problem about "feeling" is two-fold: first, mistaking the nature of feeling; and second, making the initial phase the permanent, final phase without going through a rigorous analysis. Few humans admit publicly they are wrong in their thinking  and thus their behavior. Heck, most humans don't really know how to think logically, free of bias and prejudice and personal baggage of hang-ups. Most humans are terrified of truths. Most humans don't have emotional and intellectual courage. They all crave for respect but they don't want to earn it except through pretense and acts of hypocrisy, but they are too stupid to realize that they are not smart enough to hide their true character forever. 

Wissai
June 29, 2013

Friday, June 28, 2013

"Prophets" and "Teachers

The term "teacher" resonates more with me than "prophet" or any reference to divinity. I already wrote about the difference between so-called prophets Moses, Jesus, Muhammad, and Joseph Smith vis-a-vis Buddha who didn't invoke God as a source of authority or inspiration. Anything smacks of God or divinity turns me off as it is redolent of superstition, authoritarianism, and lazy thinking. 

Yes, I am an inveterate believer in Love. It has taught me so much about humans, me included. We can tell a great deal about a person by the way he conducts himself regarding Love, Money, and Power. Almost everybody I know failed miserably when they were tested. They all talked a good game and tried their best to present themselves in a positive light. Lesser men enjoy deception. 

Omar and my father are the only persons I know that passed the tests. Gene and Omar are teaching me by examples the balms of Love. Believe it or not, I am easily touched by acts of kindness. Unfortunately acts of evil and malice bring out the wild beast in me. 

Roberto Wissai/NKBa'

God and Love

God and Love

Many humans still actually believe in a Personal God
Who doles out rewards and levies punishments
Others insist that God is only a force 
That resides in us and everywhere else in the universe
Still others cry that God is nothing but Love
Apparently God means different things to different people
To talk about God is to get into the quagmire of semantics
So it's better to talk about one thing that everybody agrees
That thing is Love
Love is not an entity; it's a quality
Something you can understand and relate to 
Something you don't have to wreck your brain to prove of its existence
To me God is a three-letter word that is overused
It is a relic, a hangover of ignorance and obfuscation
It has been used for murder 
While Love is Peace and life-affirming
To get hung up in God is a sign of arrested development
It's far better to expend our energy for Love 
I love asking people of what they think of God
And the answer they give me would tell me 
How far along they are as thinkers
I am proposing that we strike out the word God in our vocabulary
In its place we talk about Life Force and Love instead

Thus spake Wissai
June 28, 2013

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Whispering Whimpers of a Wounded Soul

Whispering Whimpers of a Wounded Soul

"Tiền Bối ơi !... Quả đất mang trên mình vạn vật, sinh linh - tưởng chừng nhẹ nhàng, an tịnh - hóa ra cũng chỉ thoảng qua... Chính giữa lòng mình, trái đất vẫn luôn sục sôi, cuộn trào chất ngất - Tưởng có thể cuốn phăng đi hết bao trầm uất, muộn phiền, ngùi ngậm, đau thương...
  Những vết khoan, vết cắt - những bợn nhơ mà cuộc đời vẫn hằng trút lên mình... là những dấu gai thành sẹo trong hồn, chẳng thể liền da !..."

What do you make of the following utterances:

"Oh dear forefathers!...This planet is teeming with a variety of life...I thought I could dwell in peace, but even the peace turned out to be evanescent. Inside me, things are still boiling to the brim. I thought I was able to throw away and cast aide the hurts and pains.

But the hurts and pains---and the detritus life keeps piling up on me--are the scars of my soul, making it wrinkled."

I didn't write the original Vietnamese words above. They came from a  poet. I was touched by the whispering whimpers of a wounded soul. I used to whimper, cry, complain about the desolate landscape of my life. Maybe I still do, but I doubt it. I have become more cynical and stronger. My compassion is more selective. There is a gradual hardening of my heart and I am not proud of that. But what I can say? I don't like to be a sucker. Compassion has to be earned and deserving. Assholes and scumbags would abuse and take advantage of indiscriminate compassion. Of course, I am talking here about my own version of compassion. I do know compassion, by its very nature, is encompassing and indiscriminate. 

I have to learn to get rid of the cancerous, festering anger which is eating at my soul. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Mysticism of Existence

Now and then a sublime moment arrives and we see things with more clarity. Meditation is a tool that helps bring about more often those sublime moments. 

In athletics, some athletes have moments of peak performance. Serious no limit poker, where the outcome is either insolvency or financial well-being, is a gladiatorial contest, requiring awareness and mastery of crucial moments. 

Poetry is the summit and meeting place of concision, suggestiveness, and rhythm. Mysticism is the poetry of human existence. 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Pride and Obsession

Pride and Obsession

I am touching on this type of topics because I am thinking out loud about them and trying to get to the bottom of them. What can't be articulated means it is not well understood. We must speak before we become silent.

A woman was complaining that my words wounded her when I had simply spoken of facts and even truths. What I said was verifiable while she tried to dance away from realities as she has been doing all her life, even now, despite her claims she is gaining insights and facing realities thanks to her studying Buddhism and practicing meditation. Simply put, her pride was misplaced and too fragile for her own good. Instead of adopting a holy and excuse-laden escapism, she could have simply said that she had made a mistake because of false pride and lack of confidence. 

Pride is inferior to facts and truths. If I am wrong and somebody points out to me the errors of my ways (of thinking and behaving), I would be thankful of that person's kindness. One thing about me that few humans are smart enough to recognize is that I am always ready and willing to learn from my mistakes and from the teachings and examples from people who are smarter/kinder than me. My mindset is that of a student. I was lazy in high school. Now I am playing catch up. 

I pointed out to her that her egocentrism was a turn-off to me. Egocentrism is the twin brother of selfishness. An egocentric and selfish person cannot really understand love. Love is always about the beloved, not the loving agent. Love is not about excuses and high-sounding pride. Love is about humility and admission that one has surrendered to the imperatives of caring and giving, even to the point of going against self-interest. Witness the love of parents for their children. Love means you are first and I am second. I am in this world to take care of you and nurture you without bothering to ask the same in return. Unless you possess something akin to that sentiment, you don't know a damned thing about love, even though you may talk a good game about it. Anybody can talk. Look at the assholes and idiots around you. They open their mouths and pontificate about knowledge and respect and dignity and honor, but their deeds reveal that they are stupid and ignorant assholes and idiots all the same. They shamelessly make up stories and lies about my mental illness, without a shred of evidence. I hate and despise them for that dastardly deed. To this day, they have not had the decency to offer an apology for their scurrilous slander. 

The deed, rather the speech, defines the person. Just like a former President of South Vietnam,  Nguyễn Văn Thiệu, famously said, "Don't believe in what the communists say; look at what they have done and judge for yourself." Remember, Human is an animal that actively enjoys deception and unwittingly is into self-deception. 

Maybe I am suffering from the obsession of mental injury committed by the assholes and idiots. Obsession is unhealthy, unless it is about survival and perhaps honor. Only fools would be obsessed about pride, power (sic! The more stupid and untalented a person is, the more he lusts after power in order to compensate for unresolved feelings of inferiority complex. Despite a member's urgent demand that the THREE moderators of a certain Internet Forum step down and that only one dude would remain and function as an IT guy, none of the three "moderators" is forsaking the empty, high-sounding  title "moderator" even though they all complain they are holding a thankless job. Are they emotionally masochistic or just simply into denial that they love power over their peers?), fame, or even sex. We must learn to control the thought and not let the thought control and consume us. 

A truly mad person is the one who cannot control what he thinks, no matter how unwholesome they are. Murder, suicide, and rape are acts of obsession. 

Wissai
June 24, 2013

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Suicide, Madness, Gambling, and Poker

Suicide, Madness, Gambling, and Poker

Everything that rises will converge. Diversity is just various manifestations of an unity. From one singularity, chaos is born and then order slowly assembles. I am speaking like a damned oracle, a stupid mystic, a deranged moron, but I don't give a shit. As a new friend noted, what really counts in your life is not opinions of others about you, but your opinions of yourself. Of course, I am aware that every human statement, unless it is of mathematical construction, has limited value and validity. Self-opinions only count when they reflect facts and logic (rigorous thinking), otherwise they may derive from delusions. Very few humans are capable of objective self-assessment. Most tend to fall prey to self-aggrandizement to make up for unresolved inferiority complex. I have tried to be as objective as possible, but I am only human. I can't see my back. I welcome all dissenting views as long as they are grounded in facts and logic, and not in malice and stupidity, like the individuals to whom  I referenced  in the following introductory paragraph in a piece posted in my blog. 

"Unlike certain ignorant and asinine assholes who made facile generalizations and categorizations and speculations about my alleged mental illness without a proper reading knowledge in religion, philosophy, psychotherapy, cognitive science, language development, and mental illness itself, I have been doing such reading since 1972. I am quite sure that names such as R.D. Laing, Durkheim, Foucault, and Castaneda are utterly foreign to them. At best, they just heard about two names, Freud and Nietzsche, without knowing a fucking thing what these two thinkers contributed to human knowledge. The assholes are intellectual frauds and pygmies. I have nothing but utter contempt for their intellectual dishonesty and lack of mental acuity based on the way they have expressed themselves in writing. Needless to say, their gratuitous comments about my state of mind have infuriated and enraged me...."

Our behavior is mostly biologically determined, with much influence from the environment. To a certain extent, we can willfully control our thoughts and exert some influence over the functions of our brain and our body by physical exercises, sleep deprivation, chemical ingestion, sound, and meditation. Suicide is a malfunction and breakdown not only of the will to live because of overwhelming stress, but also of the over-presence of certain chemical in the brain. Certain medications give rise to suicidal thoughts. The warnings are required by the FDA in the United States. You can go the Net and Google various articles about the link between chemicals and the suicidal thoughts. Here's one of them:

"Published: Dec. 13, 2012
COUNTERING BRAIN CHEMICAL COULD PREVENT SUICIDES
Contact(s): Andy McGlashen , Lena Brundin
 125  42      
Researchers have found the first proof that a chemical in the brain called glutamate is linked to suicidal behavior, offering new hope for efforts to prevent people from taking their own lives.
Writing in the journal Neuropsychopharmacology, Michigan State University’s Lena Brundin and an international team of co-investigators present the first evidence that glutamate is more active in the brains of people who attempt suicide. Glutamate is an amino acid that sends signals between nerve cells and has long been a suspect in the search for chemical causes of depression.
“The findings are important because they show a mechanism of disease in patients,” said Brundin, associate professor of translational science and molecular medicine in MSU’s College of Human Medicine. “There’s been a lot of focus on another neurotransmitter called serotonin for about 40 years now. The conclusion from our paper is that we need to turn some of that focus to glutamate.”
Brundin and colleagues examined glutamate activity by measuring quinolinic acid – which flips a chemical switch that makes glutamate send more signals to nearby cells – in the spinal fluid of 100 patients in Sweden. About two-thirds of the participants were admitted to a hospital after attempting suicide and the rest were healthy.
They found that suicide attempters had more than twice as much quinolinic acid in their spinal fluid as the healthy people, which indicated increased glutamate signaling between nerve cells. Those who reported the strongest desire to kill themselves also had the highest levels of the acid.
The results also showed decreased quinolinic acid levels among a subset of patients who came back six months later, when their suicidal behavior had ended.
The findings explain why earlier research has pointed to inflammation in the brain as a risk factor for suicide. The body produces quinolinic acid as part of the immune response that creates inflammation.
Brundin said anti-glutamate drugs are still in development, but could soon offer a promising tool for preventing suicide. In fact, recent clinical studies have shown the anesthetic ketamine – which inhibits glutamate signaling – to be extremely effective in fighting depression, though its side effects prevent it from being used widely today.
In the meantime, Brundin said physicians should be aware of inflammation as a likely trigger for suicidal behavior. She is partnering with doctors in Grand Rapids, Mich., to design clinical trials using anti-inflammatory drugs.
“In the future, it’s likely that blood samples from suicidal and depressive patients will be screened for inflammation,” Brundin said. “It is important that primary health care physicians and psychiatrists work closely together on this.”

David Foster Wallace, a writer widely considered talented  and received a genius grant from the MacArthurFoundation, suffered from long-term depressing and had to take  medication to function. He then mysteriously stopped taking the medication. Shortly thereafter, he killed himself. 

So you see, suicide is a complex phenomenon which has biochemical link and not merely a result of a loss of a will to live. Using psychology to explain and prevent suicide as Thomas Joiner did in recent cover story in Newsweek magazine may be simplistic and bark at the wrong tree. Joiner asserted that feelings of loneliness and being a burden to others, combined with a lack of fear, created a deadly cocktail for a serious attempt of suicide. The bottom line is whether we humans can actually and consciously  control our thoughts or our thoughts are at the mercy of the chemicals in our brain.

Suicide is viewed as a an act of ultimate madness, albeit a conscious act. But madness is a nebulous, hazy, value-laden term. Laing and Foucault wrote at length about madness. My view is that we are all mad, crazy, unbalanced, unhinged, off-kilter, maladjusted in some way and in some degree. We all engage in some self-destructive behavior in varying degrees. We overeat, over-drink, overwork, overplay, make enemies because of greed and/or ego, and take unnecessary risks for stimulation or unconscious desire to punish ourselves. 

Gambling is a an act of madness since it flirts with insolvency which then leads to all kinds of problems. Poker, properly played, is not an act of gambling, but a tool to make money by understanding self and opponents and mastering certain principles. It is akin to waging a war of attrition. It is no differing from having a business in a cutthroat environment. Consequently, poker is appealing to strategic thinkers who also have a tolerance for controlled risk. It is an outlet for those humans who enjoy challenge, brain power, and a need to demonstrate that they are better thinkers and warriors and businessmen than others. Results of poker playing will have a sobering effect on self-conception of those who choose to engage in this "game" because fewer than 10% can consistently make money. 

Poker is a deadly financial game, one step below the game of actual war, and far better than other humdrum games like chess, gin, and backgammon. It requires much more than intelligence. It demands also courage and patience, mastery of probability and psychology, money management, and emotional fortitude in the face of adversity. 

Because humans live in groups which come up with behavioral rules for harmony and group survival, life for humans functioning in a group>society, presents a series and a variety of games. To survive in a group>society,  one must follow the rules of the games. Work is a game. Friendship is a game. Love is a game. Hunting is a game. Poker is a hunting game of fierce, deadly, wild animals in which the human predator can turn out to be a prey. Poker is for warriors and hunters, not for pussies who use their mouths as weapons, who bad mouth those they don't like, who make up stories and lie to discredit those whom they hate. Poker is not a game for cowards. Those assholes who think they possess more intelligence and courage than I do, I challenge them to sit down in a game of no-limit hold 'em poker with me. 

Wissai
June 22, 2013

Thanks for understanding me. You are probably the only one that does so. I bcc my piece to Omar. The only comment he made was: "You sounded very angry. You used a lot of curse words. I very rarely get angry." My reply to him was as follows:

"Omar. You are a very kind, gentle guy. You are like a Buddha. I am not. I am like storm and thunder (Sturm und Donner). Maybe in time I will learn to be like you a little bit."

Gene, we humans are both alike and different from one another. The differences, no matter how seeming and superficial, are crucial for self-identity, growth, and stimulation. 

Not to sound rationalizing and sophistical, Death is an end-point for the historical, time-bound entity. The entity's influences and genes and constituting elements live on. 

Yes, to fully appreciate our existence, we must develop a sense of mystery about it and everything around it.

At long last, I found somebody with whom I can talk. Not only variety, but serendipities are also the spices of life. A man's life is the sum of his experiences. I will post this and your comment below on Facebook. Omar just taught me how to use Facebook. 

Roberto Wissai/NKBa'

Sent from my iPad

On Jun 22, 2013, at 12:23 PM, gene wrote:

Very well thought out and deep. Your writing inspires me to think and write more deeply.  Thank you.  Your quote is also pretty awesome:

"Everything that rises will converge. Diversity is just various manifestations of a unity. From one singularity, chaos is born and then order slowly assembles."

This is counter intuitive for most people, but I am in your camp on this one. From a purely scientific perspective it also promotes that everything is connected and that separation is an illusion. This is what helps me see myself in another, even when they are so buried in ego and materialism; a perception of being separate. They are not separate. They are us in a slightly different phase of organized assembly. I have even learned to see part of my existence in rocks and tin cans. Nothing is separate.

For me, your quote is essentially describing the nature of the universe, of all things.  While we try to pinpoint a start and finish as linear beings, it is impossible to actually find it. I do feel that we use the word singularity too generally and most people don't understand it. It sounds like a starting point, but what it really means is, "We don't know."  I tend to think of singularity as a point where all the information reaches a point of compression and "some mystical laws of physics" rebound inversely or in some type of derivative sense. In this sense it is not a single point, but a moment when the whole of what has been, simply transforms. It is a transitional point into another existence, but still fully connected with no point of separation from what has been. I think of death as the same type of moment. A ball that reaches the floor does not reach an end point, it bounces and the information is inversely propelled into its new direction. The universe and our existence is the same, for me, but we cannot really be sure. It just feels right.

I would like to offer a counter to an earlier point you made in a previous email, using your quote from above. You said death is an end point. IMO I think this a linear mindset and certainly part of how our human brains are wired. Ask yourself how your thoughts of death being an end point match up with the idea expressed in your quote.

The nature if the universe is entropy which is in many ways the opposite of chaos assembling into order. They are really the same, just inverse to each other. Entropy could be viewed just as much as moving towards chaos, as it is moving towards organized assembly. If we add yellow paint to green paint we can say that we are creating chaos and the information of green and yellow are now blended into this chaos. We could also say that the information in green and yellow have organized into a higher existence, orange. The important thing is to remember that none of the information has been lost. It has just been assembled differently. In this sense chaos and organization are an illusion. They are derivatives of each other, forever connected in the process we call creation.

Ultimately, I try and understand what drives this whole process. I think that the essence of the universe is perhaps curiosity and self love (non-ego). The consciousness that exists in all parts of the universe wants to know. It is just as curious as we are. It is us.  If we can say that all of existence is connected, just stretched out so far we feel separation, than what we are experiencing is ourselves.  This is why it is so important to learn to love ourselves, before we can truly love who or what we perceive as another.

Your thoughts are very deep and appreciated. Not too many people are able to consider our existence at this level. Most people need something solid to hang onto. What you and I are discussing is everything but solid. It is solid in the sense that everything is connected, but most people do not have the lack of ego to exist in a state of "not knowing." Not knowing is the fundamental nature of the cosmos, even at the highest orders of existence. For this reason we and all of existence will forever be blessed with a sense of mystery. It is up to each of us, whether we embrace the mystery or resist. In the end no one can avoid meeting mystery, it is inevitable in death. We can fall in live with the mystery or fear it.

This conversation you have triggered is where I spend much of my time in meditation. Through meditation I have realized that all I will ever need to know is connected to me, through me, and can present itself.  Understanding and knowledge does not present itself because I ask for it. It presents itself because it sees a welcome mat at front door of my conscious being.

It has been fun to co-create together. Your thoughts have stimulated many of my thoughts and helped me refine how I express and understand them.  You are a unique individual.

Gene

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Siddhartha, Jesus, and Muhammad, and the Busniess of "Prophecy" and Professed Love

Siddhartha, Jesus, and Muhammad, and the Business of "Prophecy" and Professed Love.

We all die in one way or another. 
To live is to die a little before dying decisively. 
Some die by drowning 
Others of insanity
Some go up in flames of fire
Others perish in the solitude of ice 
And many others have a languishing death because of stupidity
I know I will die with a smile
I will tell Death, "Hello, what took you so long?"

Wissai
June 19, 2013

A woman once arrogantly and stupidly told me that I only understood her "superficially". Even if what she said was true, it was high folly for her to say so. I wondered what she thought she would accomplish by having that stupidity coming out of her mouth. Did she insinuate that she was too complex and multidimensional that I was incapable of knowing her inner core? You see, she was vain and stupid at the same time. The combination was not unexpected. Not really. The same woman told me when I first met her that she felt secure that "God" would take care of her. I rhetorically countered her inane statement by asking her what was so special about her that "God" had to devote His personal attention to her, to the neglect of those who perished in Nazi concentration camps in Europe, in the Killing Fields in Cambodia, in famines in North Vietnam (in 1945) and Ethiopia, or the genocides in Armenia, Rwanda and Bosnia. 

Another woman deliriously told me that I was "Gold's gift" to her. A couple of years later, when I walked away from her, she denounced me in vile terms but conveniently omitted any reference about once I was a gift from "God" to her. Apparently "God" changed His mind. 

My point is that people use words carelessly, reflecting a messed-up and stupid mind. I just finished reading a book ("Tripping with Allah") by Muhammad Knight, a novelist and a scholar, whose books are used as textbooks in some colleges. At the end of the book, Knight, a white Catholic turned Muslim, confessed that he loved Muhammad, the "prophet". That statement bothered me a great deal as it reflected stupidity and facile sentimentality. To my way of thinking, to love somebody involves more than just a respect for that person from a distance, through legends and hearsay. It requires close interactions with the person to the point that I conclude that the person complements me and cares about me. 

First of all, leaving aside if there is really such an organism deserving the cognomen "prophet", the Muhammad of Mecca didn't know the converted Muslim, Muhammad Knight of America. There was no direct, close interactions between them. Second, I think Knight confused "respect" with "love", a tendency that is shared by Christians and Muslims. Third, the grand business of "prophecy" all started, or at least given wide currency, with the Jews. Strictly and scientifically speaking, there is no such thing as "prophecy" and consequently there are no "prophets". There are "leaders", "thinkers", and "teachers". This business of inflating and blowing up the status of individuals like Moses, Jesus, Muhammad, and Joseph Smith (a Johnny-came-lately) was really a turn-off and an affront to freethinkers who were not brainwashed into accepting nonsense and superstition. Curiously, in Buddhism proper, the kind understood by elites, Siddhartha was considered only a teacher, a man, not a prophet nor of any lofty, divine origin bullshit. Maybe that was why even though Siddhartha was a prince and was used to being kowtowed and venerated, he left all the trappings of a pampered court life behind and went in search of truths and salvation of mental sufferings. Once he found them, he humbly told his disciples that he was nobody special and that anybody who was willing to work hard could be just like him. His dying words were something to the effect that "all compound beings disintegrate. Work out your own salvation with diligence. Don't blindly believe in what you were told." 

By the way, Buddhists usually don't say that they "love" Buddha. They merely say they respect him.

Love is a serious and complicated business. Don't be a copycat and loosely throw the word "Love" around. I cringe whenever I see stickers declaring "Jesus loves you". Jesus didn't know me. He died nearly two thousand years ago. I didn't believe he "rose" from his death and ascended to "heaven". He died meant he died. As simple as that. He is not coming back. Science told me so. I am inclined to believe in what is logical and verifiable. I have not met anybody who came back from death. Death is an end point. 

Wissai
June 19, 2013

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Self-marginalization

Self-marginalization

Self-marginalization means you have no pride nor respect for yourself. If you exhibit self-debasing, self-hating, self-degrading behavior, you are inviting anger and violence into your life because scumbags and assholes will pick up on the vibes that emanate from you and start treating you like shit. You have to stand up and fight for your dignity. That means you speak truthfully and logically. Don't bother to be smarter than you actually are. That's the problem with this fucking world. Everybody puts on a pretense. Nobody wants to appear ignorant and uninformed. Everybody wants to be a pontificator. 

I suppose I am different from "everybody". I have self-awareness. Sometimes I act as if I don't have it, but trust me, I do. I also know what and how most fuckers in this world think of me. Let me tell you something: most scumbags and assholes are much worse than I give them credit for. They are selfish animals. All they care about is themselves. 

I knew I was stupid and ignorant. So I did something about that. I started going to the library and forced myself to read. I wanted to know more than just my mother tongue. I also did something about that  instead of wishing about it. Wishing is for children and lazy, fucked up adults. Wishing is not the same as desire. If you really want something and someone bad enough, you will do something about that. The problem with most scumbags is that they are both lazy and selfish and really have no pride of who they are. All they do is talk a big game. 

I used to be pudgy. I did something about that, too. I forced myself to eat less, stay away from booze, and exercise more. I have real pride of how I look instead of just wishing and talking about it. Talk is cheap. Wishing is for kids. I am not cheap and I am not a kid anymore. I have no respect for fat slobs. To me, they are not even humans. They are like pigs which cannot control themselves if food is placed in front of them. I feel nauseous each time I see assholes leaving food behind on their plates in buffet restaurants. They are irresponsible and selfish. True humans should know about moderation and self-preservation, let alone pride and self-respect. 

An asshole acts like a kid and yet he has the stupid audacity to call me a "kid". I remembered that insult and I always will. And I am waiting for the right moment. I want to be a killer, but I am concerned about legal consequences. So I write the violence out of my system. I am still writing. Of course, I write like a fool. A wise man would keep his mouth shut. We all hate others of what we see in ourselves.

You see, somebody, presumably a would-be writer and artiste manque'---somebody very much like me, once told me that I should just go ahead and write whatever the fuck that catches my stupid fancy. He said, "Roberto, you are quite ugly (sic!) now. But writing is like giving  yourself a face-lift every year or so. Pretty soon, before you know it, you feel good and you look good. There's nothing quite like it. You soon would walk around with supreme confidence, always dapper and elegant. Actually you strut, you don't just walk and you have a feeling that men look at you with respect and envy, and women are dying to go to bed with you since they want to know if you are really sexy as you look. Writing may start out as an act of a lost soul who is in search of himself and trying to deal with the hurt deep inside, but it soon progresses to an act of wondrous adventure to actualize who you are."

Well, I don't know if I followed his advice or not, and if my approach to words is different after I ran into him. But I do know this: as long as I can string words together that please me, I am happy. The only person on this planet I should please is myself, now my dear mother has departed from this world for good. I know all the talks about reincarnation and meeting loved ones after they die are just bullshit and wishful thinking. Now and then I do see my mother, but only in dreams. And after I wake up, I feel more sad than happy because of my regrets of not taking better care of her. Anyway, you cannot fake language. You just cannot. Try to write a poem, then you will see what I mean. You write of what you feel, think, and dream. You write of who you are. So if you write like an ignorant, pontificating asshole, that means you are really an ignorant, pontificating asshole. There are no two ways about it. 

(To be continued)

Realities???

Realities

You know the facts. No need for me to specify. You are always defensive and easily upset. You are not evil, but you are not sweet, not very loving, and thus not very lovable. You are self-centered and in so many ways a child emotionally. Your ego is fragile, and you will lash out to protect it, instead of going with the flow and  bending with the wind. 

Remember, only you are important to yourself. Deep down, nobody, not even your children and your grandchildren care more about you than they care about themselves. That's why to be human is to be lonely because selfishness is the instinct of safeguarding one's resources for rainy days. To be blessed in love is when a person behaves like a saint, and is able to override the selfish instinct and to love the beloved more than he loves himself. Parents do that to their children. Even in romantic love, that parental love has to be replicated otherwise one can spend the whole life feeling lonely even if he's married. If you are a flower, bees and butterflies will come to you without being asked. But if you are a croak of stinking shit, no bees nor butterflies will come near you. The choice is yours: be a flower or a piece of stinking shit. 

Being defensive, angry, sarcastic, and self-righteous is being a piece of shit. 

It's better to be late than never. Learning begins with self-understanding, especially one's emotional defenses: do I have any and why are they there? 

Real love focuses on the object/the beloved, not the agent of loving. You are capable of love, but you still defend yourself way too much, in spite of facts and truths.The day you see the validity of my statement, it is the day you have mental and emotional liberation. You cannot argue against facts and truths, no matter how unpleasant they are. There are moments in my current life when flashbacks occur and I cringe in pain and humiliation, but I realize they are signs of my growth: I finally see how stupid and wrong I was. However, I don't wallow in regrets. I move on. I was stupid, but now I am not stupid anymore. Learning can be painful, but we all have to recognize its value: no pain, no gain. I am a late bloomer. I am still growing up. I am making progress. One day I will, if not already, surpass those who grew faster than I did but have become complacent and are resting on past laurels. 

I don't know if I am really intelligent or not, but I take pride in my ability to value logic and facts as tools in the process of thinking (which includes reasoning and debating). Thus, if you followed any debates I had with certain monkeys in the past, you would see that I esteemed fairness and justice, unlike the interlocutor chimps who were driven by ego and woeful ignorance of book knowledge, and then had to seek refuge in cheap sarcasm and even outright lies in order to comfort themselves and to lick their wounds after suffering humiliating defeats at my hands. But I didn't take pride in beating them at intellectual contests. They were lightweight contestants and were not evenly matched against me. I never once regarded them as my intellectual equals. To me, they were intellectual pygmies. 

Another indication of the healthy functioning of my brain is my persistent resistance against cheap indoctrination and brainwashing and thus I have not become prey to nonsense and wishful thinking such as beliefs in a Personal God and reincarnation in the sense that my consciousness will come back on earth in another manifestation. 

Rigorous thinking is a hobby of mine. That's why I am attracted to the subjects of philosophy and cognitive science. 

The gay, tormented engineer turned philosopher Wittgenstein who inspired much veneration and head scratching alike, once famously concluded in his first and only published book during his lifetime, "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus", that "whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must remain silent". I have not remained silent. Speech is a vehicle in my search for truths. Speech, unlike popular conception, is not synonymous with language. The former is one vehicle for the latter. Manual (hand) signals, graphic signs (including written symbols and smoke), sounds, and body gestures are other vehicles. 

Language itself is the vehicle for conscious thought. It's not easy to think without language. The interplay between language and thought has fascinated me ever since I tentatively tried to express myself in borrowed, secondary languages which I acquired during my teens and later. The health of a person's  brain can be seen in how a person expresses himself verbally. 

(To be continued)

On reading "Shambhala"

On reading "Shambhala" by  Chögyam Trungpa

Fearlessness means going beyond fear. Poker is a game about uncertainty, thus fear. A winner at poker is the one who knows about fear and fearlessness. 

Cowardice is trying to live as if Death is something mysterious and frightening. In fact, Death is as familiar and common as sunset. Life is the time between sunrise and sunset. Life is brief, mostly sunny, and beautiful. We must learn to enjoy it. 

Be like a lacquered wooden cup, not a porcelain cup. When it falls on the floor, it does not break into pieces. It bounces around. It stays whole and is functional again. If you sit still and let emotions come and go without really touching your inner core which should be left undisturbed, a lot of insights would come to you and you would cope with life better. Don't be hasty to blame others for your misfortune. Blame yourself first. Don't cry a childish song that you are misunderstood and unappreciated. You are not that mysterious or unfathomable. Chances are if people don't respect you and hold you in contempt because you deserve that kind of treatment, because your behavior calls for that kind of reaction. Think logically and face reality. At the same time, don't be a herd animal. You are a social animal with a good brain, not some dumb fuck that needs the support of a stupid crowd full of conformist cowards. So next time some asshole scumbag says publicly that you are an outcast, smile and say to his face, "fuck you and fuck your stupid group! Do you really think I care to be accepted into your stupid group? Nobody in your group deserves to hold my dick for me while I piss!" The asshole acts if you are afraid of being a loner. The asshole does not understand you. Remember, you always have a choice: you can limit our perception so that you close off vastness, or you can allow vastness to touch you. The choice is always yours. You are the one who makes the choice. Don't let anybody make the choice for you. 

Get involved with the magic of life, of being alive, of having friends and lovers, yet be aware that you are all alone in this world. Nobody understands you and cares about you as you yourself. 

There is a big difference between drinking hot green, aromatic tea and ice-cold tea. The former calms you and helps you be in touch with the magic of existence; the latter just quenches your thirst. 

In spite of what I have said so far, please be gentle even when you are angry. To be gentle means you are in control of the situation, including yourself. It also means you are showing consideration and respect, even to the asshole who made you mad. Even a dog wants to be respected, let alone a human being, even if that human being is a scumbag and an asshole, like me or him or anybody you know. If you can, say nothing and walk away when you are angry. Everybody is self-righteous. Everybody talks too much. Don't be like one of them.
A woman told me she loved me and I believed her, but she was angry and uptight when I told her that I could not and would not love her back. To be angry and uptight was wrong. Many decades back when I was in Vietnam, I told a young woman I loved her. She said she was sorry that she was unable to reciprocate my feelings. I was not mad and i did not throw a temper tantrum. I politely withdrew and stayed away from her. I went into a long meditation on the reasons why my love was not reciprocated. After more than 35 years, I found the answers and I have been at peace and have stopped dreaming about her. She was my first love. For many years, I used to long to meet her again. Now that longing is gone. I have developed a complete indifference to her. If by chance I run into her, I would not even say hello. I just walk away and my heart would beat evenly, as if I meet a stranger. She is beneath me, I finally understood, after 35 years of meditation on the issue and after many recurrent dreams. Love could kill. It almost did. She didn't deserve my love. Not anymore. 

I need to stop. I don't want to sound like a lecturer while in fact I just want to share my feelings which are overflowing and choking me. That was why I was baring my soul. I talked too much already. I hope you are not too stupid not to understand why I wrote the way I did. Deep, deep down, way down, I am full of love and gentleness. But I doubt if you really believe that. But you know what? I really don't care. Like all my writings, I wrote this piece more for myself than for you. I really tried to be dignified and genuine, but I couldn't help being profane. Profanity is part of the message. Pardon me if the profanity was offensive to your tender sensibilities. 

Wissai
June 17, 2913. 

Tháng Sáu trời mưa

Tháng sáu trời mưa

Tháng sáu trời mưa trời mưa không dứt 
trời không mưa anh cũng lạy trời mưa 
anh lạy trời mưa phong kín đường về 
và đêm ơi xin cứ dài vô tận 

Mình dựa vào nhau cho thuyền ghé bến 
sưởi ấm đời nhau bằng những môi hôn 
mình cầm tay nhau nghe tình dâng sóng nổi 
hãy biến cuộc đời thành những tối tân hôn 

Da em trắng anh chẳng cần ánh sáng 
tóc em mềm anh chẳng tiếc mùa xuân 
trên cuộc đời sẽ chẳng có giai nhân 
vì anh gọi tên em là nhan sắc 

Anh vuốt tóc em cho đêm khuya tròn giấc 
anh sẽ nâng tay cho ngọc sát kề môi 
anh sẽ nói thầm như gió thoảng trên vai 
và bên em tiếng đời đi rất vội 

Tháng sáu trời mưa trời mưa không dứt 
trời không mưa em có lạy trời mưa 
anh vẫn xin mưa phong kín đường về 
anh nhớ suốt đời mưa tháng sáu.

Nguyên Sa

Rain in the month of June (revised)

Rain falls in June and it keeps on raining
If the rain stops falling, I would beg it to fall
I would beg the rain to block all the roads back to home 
And the night to keep on going, without end

We lean on each other like the boat and the dock are intertwined 
We warm each other with kisses of desire 
We hold hands as waves of passion rise
Let's transform our life into honeymoon nights 

Your skin's so white that I need no light
Your hair's so soft that I don't miss the Spring
There will be no fair lady in this world
As I already called you beautiful

I'll stroke your hair so you'd sleep through the night
I'll raise your hands close to the lips of mine
I'll whisper into your ears like the wind passes by
And life would quicken its steps by your side 

Rain falls in June and it keeps on raining
If the rain stops falling, I would beg it to fall
I would beg the rain to block all the roads back to home 
I will remember the rain falling in June all my life

Quick translation by Wissai
June 18, 2013

Vicariat Apostolique de Vinh Long (Cochinchine)

Vicariat Apostolique de Vinh Long
(Cochinchine)

      Vinh Long, le 21 Aout 1944

      Amiral,

      Je viens d’apprendre par un prêtre de ma Mission, envoyé à Saigon pour les affaires du séminaire, que deux de mes frères ont été l’objet de poursuites judiciaires à Hué. N’ayant recu de Hué depuis longtemps aucune nouvelle, je ne sais si ce qu’on m’a rapporté corespondait à la vérité.

     Mais, en pensant a la peine immense et à la juste indignation que vous avez du éprouvées, si ce qu’on leur imposait était fondé, je m’empresse de vous écrire, pour vous exprimer, Amiral, ma grande douleur en l’occurence.

     S’il était prouvé que leur activité a pu nuire aux intérêts de la France, je la désapprouve du fond du coeur, comme évêque, comme annamite, et comme membre d’une famille dont le père a servi la France dès sa première venue en Annam et a exposé maintes fois sa vie pour elle dans les expéditions memées, comme lieutenant de Nguyễn Thân, contre les rebelles commandés par Phan Đình Phùng à Nghệ An et Hà Tịnh.

     Cette déclaration n’a pas pour but, Amiral, de sauvegarder ma situation personnelle: car ce sera avec joie que je quitterai mon évêché si tôt qu’il sera constaté que mon humble personne pourrait porter préjudice aux intérêts de la Religion.

     Elle n’a pour objet que de vous montrer que vous n’avez pas accordé votre bienveillante confiance à un indigne ou à un ingrat.   Amiral, je n’ai jamais tant regretté mon éloignement de Hué. Là j’aurais pu mieux conseiller mes frères et, à, l’occasion, m’opposer à leur desseins, si vraiment ils en ont concu de nuisibles aux intérêts de la France .

     Je puis hélas me tromper, mais je vous confesse, Amiral, que je ne puis croire, jusqu’à preuve du contraire, qu’ils se sont montrés si rebelles aus traditions de notre famille, qui s’était attachée à la France dès le début, tandis que les aieux et les pères des mandarins actuels, presque tous, combattaient contre elle, et ne s’étaient décidés pour elle que lorsqu’il n’avait plus que profit à le faire.

     Mes frères eux-mêmes ont exposé leur vie continuellement pour la France lors de la révolte communiste. Mon cadet Diệm a failli tomber sous les coups de révolver d’un chinois de Cholon envoyé à cet effet à Phan Rang où Diệm défendait énergiquement l’entrée de l’Annam aux émissaires communistes envoyés de la  Cochinchine.

     Certes, leur dévouement dans le passé n’est pas l’excuse de leur imprudences actuelles; s’il est prouvé qu’elle est coupable. Mais je crois ne pas faire en vain appel à votre miséricordieuse clémence en leur faveur, qui juge du présent sans pourtant oublier le passé. Celà en considération des services que mon père Ngô Đình Khả a eu l’honneur de rendre à la France au péril de sa vie, et de la longue conduite de mes frères faite d’un dévouement sans bornes à la France , sans peur de sacrifier leur vie pour elle.

     En vous exprimant de nouveau, Amiral, toute la douleur que je ressens dans cette affaire, je vous prie d’agréer mes hommages les plus respectueux.

 
NGO DINH THUC

 

BẢN DỊCH THƯ VIẾT TAY BẰNG PHÁP NGỮ 
CỦA GIÁM MỤC NGÔ ĐÌNH THỤC
GỞI ĐÔ ĐỐC JEAN DECOUX, TOÀN QUYỀN ĐÔNG DƯƠNG

     Tòa Truyền Giáo Vĩnh Long ngày 21/8/1944

     Thưa Đô Đốc,

     Một linh mục từ bổn Tòa được phái đi Sài Gòn để lo việc cho chủng viện vừa cho tôi biết rằng hai người em của tôi đang bị truy tố tại Huế. Vì đã lâu không nhận được tin tức gì từ Huế, tôi không biết là điều tôi vừa được báo cáo có đúng sự thực hay không.

     Tuy nhiên, nghĩ đến nỗi đau đớn và sự bất nhẫn rất đúng mà chắc là Đô Đốc đã cảm thấy – nếu sự truy tố các em tôi là có thật, tôi vội viết thư này để bày tỏ với Đô Đốc nỗi đau đớn lớn lao của tôi về việc này.

     Nếu hoạt động của hai em tôi được chứng tỏ là có hại cho quyền lợi nước Pháp thì – với tư cách của một Giám mục, của một người An-nam, và với tư cách là người con của một gia đình mà thân phụ tôi đã phục vụ nước Pháp ngay từ khi Pháp mới đến An-nam, và đã nhiều lần đưa mạng sống cho nước Pháp trong các cuộc hành quân mà cha tôi cầm đầu, dưới quyền Nguyễn Thân, chống lại các kẻ nổi loạn do Phan Đình Phùng chỉ huy, tại Nghệ-an và Hà-tịnh – tôi, tự đáy lòng, không chấp nhận [hoạt động của các em tôi].

     Thưa Đô Đốc, tôi tuyên bố như vậy không phải với mục đích bảo toàn địa vị cá nhân của tôi: bởi vì nếu xét rằng cá nhân hèn mọn của tôi có thể phương hại đến quyền lợi của đạo [Thiên Chúa], tôi sẽ vui vẻ rời khỏi Tòa Giám mục nầy ngay.

     Lời tuyên bố của tôi chỉ có mục đích là tỏ cho Đô Đốc thấy rằng lòng tin tưởng trìu mến của Đô Đốc [đối với tôi] đã không bị đặt vào một kẻ bất xứng hay vô ơn.

     Thưa Đô Đốc, tôi chưa bao giờ tiếc là đã xa Huế như thế nầy. Giá có mặt ở đấy thì tôi đã có thể khuyên răn các em tôi tốt hơn, và khi chuyện xẩy đến tôi đã có thể chống lại các chủ đích của các em tôi, nếu quả thật các em tôi có nghĩ đến những dự định có thể gây hại cho quyền lợi nước Pháp.

     Có thể tôi lầm, tuy nhiên, thưa Đô Đốc, cho đến khi được chứng minh ngược lại, tôi xin thú thực là không tin rằng các em tôi đã phản lại truyền thống của gia đình chúng tôi đến như thế, một gia đình đã tự mình gắn liền với nước Pháp từ lúc ban đầu, trong khi ông cha của những quan lại bây giờ hầu hết đều chống lại Pháp và chỉ quyết định thiên về Pháp khi thấy có lợi.

     Ngay chính các em tôi đã từng liên tục đưa mạng sống ra vì nước Pháp, trong cuộc nổi loạn của Cộng Sản. Diệm, người em kế tôi, suýt đã phải ngã gục dưới những phát súng của một Hoa kiều Chợ Lớn được phái đến Phan-rang với mục đích hại Diệm, Phan-rang là nơi mà Diệm đã mãnh liệt chống giữ lối xâm nhập vào An-nam của các cán bộ Cộng Sản từ Nam Kỳ phái đến.

       Lẽ tất nhiên, sự tận tụy của các em tôi trong quá khứ không phải là điều nêu ra để làm cớ mà biện hộ cho hoạt động bất cẩn của họ ngày hôm nay, nếu sự bất cẩn nầy được chứng tỏ là điều đã gây nên tội. Tuy nhiên, tôi không nghĩ là tôi đã làm chuyện vô ích khi kêu gọi đến sự khoan hồng đầy xót thương của Đô Đốc hầu xét với hảo ý trường hợp các em tôi. Đô Đốc không phải là người chỉ xét đến hiện tại mà lại bỏ quên đi quá khứ. Tôi nêu ra điều nầy khi xét thấy rằng thân phụ tôi là Ngô Đình Khả đã từng được vinh dự phục vụ nước Pháp dù sinh mạng bị hiểm nguy, và khi xét đến quá trình lâu dài của các em tôi, một quá trình được hình thành bằng lòng tận tụy vô bờ của các em tôi đối với nước Pháp, mà không sợ phải hy sinh mạng sống của mình cho nước Pháp.

      Thưa Đô Đốc, một lần nữa bày tỏ với Đô Đốc tất cả niềm đau đớn của tôi trong vụ nầy, tôi xin Đô Đốc vui lòng nhận nơi đây lời kính chào trân trọng nhất của tôi..

NGÔ ĐÌNH THỤC (ký tên)