Taciturnity

What do you do when you find yourself in a situation that a person with whom you are dealing suddenly acts out of character, especially if the person, a chatterbox, turns taciturn. Which persona is the real one? Garrulousness or taciturnity? You can bet your sweet ass that both personas are real, but the taciturnity is the more real.

Take myself, for example. I am a chatterbox, a talking machine, a tongue on an endless march, but the world had better watch out when I turn silent and wordless. That means I am reflecting on the nature of emotions, especially of love. Recently I walked out on a long-term relationship. When I did so, I was not sure if my decision was correct, but the vicious and untempered reaction that the bitch showed to me when she received my "Dear Jane" letter convinced me that I had made the right decision and the bitch didn't really love me because if she had really loved me, she would not have used intemperate language to show her anger. To me, True Love is mysterious and yet simple. It begins with understanding, proceeds with respect, and ends with care and devotion without expecting the same in return. I am convinced that to get true love, one must be selfless and brave, willing to incur emotional and financial costs. I am further convinced that true love, like rare gems, is rare and hard to find. One can go to one's dusty death without encountering one. To get true love, one must give true love, otherwise what one gets is the ersatz, the false, the fake, the make-believe along with the lingering sense of loneliness. Life does not really mean much if one feels oppressively and suffocatingly lonely. Something is missing in one's life. Some feeling of unfulfillment. Some sense of emptiness. And life seems insipid, tasteless, and devoid of joy, peace, and meaning.

I think I know what I am talking about. I have known lonelines. I have encountered faked emotions. And I have seen the ugly side of self-righteousness and untempered anger. I am not much into anger these days because I have seen first hand how stupid I can be under its influence.

There is one attitude and reaction jilted and jolted lovers tend to adopt is to blame the "wrongdoers" for betrayal and deception and lack of faithfulness, without ever thinking that the "wrongdoers" might have a rational decision to dump them and that they (jilted lovers) were not that worthy to hold an abiding faithfulness. Nobody throws away a good thing or runs away from an attractive and "good" and nice lover willingly. There must be something deeply wrong with a jilted lover for his/her erstwhile mate to decide a parting of ways. In short, the next time if you are dumped by anybody, it pays to go through a soul-searching and to learn from the experience of being dumped instead of reflexively blaming the dumper. That does not mean I am advocating an embrace of inferiority complex. Rather, I merely say that it pays to be objective and rational.

I am not saying that I felt good for dumping the bitch. I am just emphasizing that I was lucky to find out that she was a bitch before any real damages were done. I didn't fucking really know her as I thought I did. Oh well, I was not that really astute with bitches, I now realize. I have a long way to go as far as understanding women is concerned. But maybe I shouldn't give a fuck about women anymore. I only have a few more years left. Why give too much shit about love when all I've got are insolence and fraudulence?

Don't get me wrong. I am not always in the controlling and dumping position. I was dumped once and very badly, too. Since then there were several minor cases, but I didn't suffer much.

I just got off the phone with my therapist who helped me see the situation more clearly involving the bitch. I was told that the bitch was stupid and unjustifiably vain and definitely unworthy of my attention and affection. The therapist informed me that the bitch's reaction was intense because deep down she was feeling the impact of an accumulation of anger, frustrations, hurt pride, and inferiority complex. I was further advised that I deserved better. All I need to do is to work on my body, mind, and heart, and more importantly my proclivity for sentimentality.


(to be continued)