Chaos and Magic or Turbulence and Madness

Chaos and Magic or Turbulence and Madness

For years I have been wondering if my life is characterized by chaos giving rise to occasional magic or it is simply turbulence which will end with noisy, assertive madness. Having just written the preceding absolutely breath-taking, beautiful sentence, I must say--- in all candor and clarity, and not with a whisper and whisker of hubris---that it is the case of the former. So armed with that sweet, soothing, self-serving solace, I am going to take a respite from self-consciousness and embrace sleep.

Yesterday was a magical day. I saw her again after an absence (enforced and self-imposed) of ten years. She looked good, considering her age. The charm, the vivaciousness, and the kindness were intact. Even though the weather was quite bad (cold and drizzling) my spirits were not dampened. In fact, joy was percolating inside me, but I didn't show it. I was cool and let fantasy sweep me to the open sea where I was drifting in a serenity that was best described as an amalgam of detachment and assuaged ego. It was then I realized in the matter of the heart, unspoken desires that reveal themselves only through sweet smiles and occasional quick glances, enhanced by febrile, feverish imagination are the type of desires I live for and dream of. Meanwhile I am working on my body and mind and finance to make me eternally desirable to the day I die.

Today is just another day to keep the unspoken desires at bay even though tomorrow will be Valentine's Day. I hope I didn't fall short of the rhythm achieved by the choice of words. This piece is like a symphony if the words are read aloud: the alliteration, the long sentences full of rhymed words, the mood conveyed by concrete, image-building terms, the diction that is far-out fiction, the notion that desire is most beautiful if unspoken and only fantasized, but there is a persistent hint throughout this adagio that if one day the desires are realized, heaven and earth will collide, and tears of both and joy will be shed over the realization that her life and mine would have been magical if we had had some emotional courage and daring. But how could I when I was a man of conscience and unfailing morality and responsibility. Life was not lived just for me. At heart and contrary to popular misconception, I was never selfish. I wish I had been. Yes, I wish I would just live for myself, and for nobody else.

February 13, 2013