The Heart is the Lonely Hunter

Carson McCullers came up with that beautiful title and I have been caught up in that search since 1967. A fan of hers used to impress me because I thought the fan had a heart. It turned out that the fan was as common as dirt despite her intelligence. Since I regard myself as uncommon, I could not bring myself to do to Verfe what Laura did to me: being selfish and cruel. I would rather be the one who would suffer the slings and arrows of spitefulness.

Last night she called and I had to lie once more. How long will I keep up with the charade? Meanwhile my health and my finances are going down the toilet. One thing I am learning is that I am paying more to the issue of dignity and self-respect than ever, now that I realize most people around me are not as noble as they profess to be. I just have to realize they are merely insects and low forms of life masquerading as humans with their petty delights in viewing female anatomy and in telling smutty sex jokes while forgetting that they are men nearly 70 years of age . What a pathetic bunch of cowardly assholes who are ostensibly concerned about dignity and self-respect! As I often remark, we don't know who the assholes are until they are tested. I don't want to play the game of pretense anymore. Now if I don't like an asshole, I just stay away from him. I am not strong enough to engage in any acting.

So, I finally gave up pretending and wrote her a "dear Jane" letter in which I outlined two main reasons that I found her unpalatable to my taste. I was as pleasant and courteous as I could be. I concluded my goodbye missive with a heart-felt wish for her well-being. What I got back from her was an unexpected vituperative, thunderous denunciation of me couched in the most vile, unpleasant language. Thus, it turned out that not only she didn't really understand me at all, I also didn't understand her either. In fact, the bitch was dumber and more self-righteous than I thought. And my decision to dump her was right on target. Her distasteful letter taught me a lot about the psyche of human females and reminded me that I am more stupid than I think I am and that I have to be on guard in dealing with the human species. At any rate, thanks to that stupid letter of hers, I am sleeping better because I am more at peace with myself. I am not a cruel guy.