Silence, Ego, Poker, Luck (Chance) and Writing

Silence, Ego, Poker, Luck (Chance) and Writing

I have been trying to maintain silence in the face of abject stupidity and ignorance displayed by some individuals I know. They were stupid and ignorant but they had plenty of ego and thus had a need to show off, thus earning my contempt. But I am not going to act on my usual emotional baggage: exuberant, imaginative, emotional, and impulsive. Instead, I am going to act against type. I am going to be cool, calm, and collected.

I have come to a staggering realization that my contempt for those individuals staggers with tedium. There is only so much that I can despise others. Anger and its child, aggressions, are offsprings of ignorance. Since I am no longer ignorant of human emotions, I just have to ignore scumbags who behave like barnyard animals and wild beasts even though they have human appearances. Silence is the biggest gesture of contempt. It says you don't warrant my attention. You are disgusting and filthy and I am avoiding you as I avoid shit and sewage.

The defeats and disappointments I gathered during my long romantic journey have taught me a lot about myself and women. I now use the memories to strengthen myself. I am no longer a 98-lb emotional weakling. Love is merely a fucking game with clear rules. Those who strictly follow the rules would win. The rules are:

1. You must be reasonably attractive and charming and have a reasonable amount of money.

(to be continued)

BODHISATTVA

BODHISATTVA

I listened to your tale of first love
The phone pressed to my ear
I hoped you wouldn't stop talking
Even though I was not the man you talked about
Your chatter was like that of a chirping bird
You chatted about the "gentleman lover" being cold as stone
Sometimes the two of you were aloof
As if you two never loved each other

I listened to your sad story of love
(Your voice was cracking...it seemed to me maybe you were crying?)
"The man"...was not well versed in literary matters
He didn't seem to understand your love letters
The ones you wrote with blood and tears
He kept saying he would read them again one day in the near future
You unburdened yourself to me seemingly at ease
As if I were your... dear, dear friend
But how strange ... your tale of romantic love
Sounded so familiar to me
Like you, I kept chasing after the shadow
But if you were happy
That meant I was the same
My love for you had taught me patience
Though in pain I practiced charity
I didn't need to put on a monk's robe to show repentance
With the Grace of Bodhisattva--through you--I reached Nirvana

Rough Translation by Wissai
November 28, 2012

BỒ TÁT

Tôi ngồi nghe em kể chuyện tình đầu,
Điện thoại áp vào tai
Mong em nói mãi
Dù em nói về một người không phải là tôi
Ríu rít như chim,
Em kể về “ông người yêu” lạnh lùng như gỗ đá
Có đôi khi hai người như xa lạ
Như chưa hề có lúc nhớ thương nhau

Tôi ngồi nghe em kể chuyện tình buồn,
(Giọng em chùng … hình như là em khóc?)
“Chàng” … dốt chữ, thơ tình không biết đọc
Thư tình yêu
Em viết bằng tim óc
Vậy mà “ảnh” gom vào một góc
Cứ hẹn hoài … mai mốt sẽ xem
Cả nỗi lòng em thoải mái đem
Tâm sự với tôi như là … bạn!
Mà lạ nhỉ … chuyện tình em lãng mạn
Sao tôi nghe như chuyện của mình
Cũng như em, tôi theo bóng bỏ hình
Em hạnh phúc
Nghĩa là tôi hạnh phúc.
Bởi yêu em tôi làm người nhẫn nhục
Xót xa lòng mà cũng phải từ bi
Đâu cần chi phải sám hối, qui y
Hạnh Bồ Tát - nhờ em - tôi chứng quả.

Thơ : HOÀNG DU THỤY.
Apr 1st/05 Chapters – Edmonton South

Intellectual Honesty

Intellectual Honesty

Why does the fuck you feel comfortable and good about yourself, despite being not rich or super-intelligent or charming? Because you are gifted with a very strong sense of honesty, especially intellectually honesty. It undergirds everything you do and it accounts for your sense of superiority over most of humans on this planet.

Honesty means more than the ability to be truthful to others. It means a relentless search for facts, knowledge, and truths. It means a willingness to face unpleasant truths about yourself and the world you live in.

Religion: the biggest lie ever invented by mind controllers, especially when it comes to metaphysical aspects of it. The mind controllers are smart. They know most humans are cowardly, greedy, lazy in thinking, and stupid, and thus willing to accept a whole bunch of bullshit about God, redemption, and reincarnation.

The Need for Aceeptance: a great majority of fucking monkeys have a natural desire and need to be accepted, respected, and loved, even when they don't deserve them. So they lie, cheat, and falsely present a socially acceptable behavior. You don't give a fuck about social etiquette and a need to create a favorable initial impression. You are who you are. People have to accept you for who you are, and not what they want you to be, especially when you am smarter and more sensitive and more knowledgeable than most of them anyway. You know about a certain slut who keeps telling off-color jokes and boasting having a big fat pussy yet falsely and incredibly enough presenting at the same time a self-image of chastity. You also know about an ugly midget who fancies that she is good-looking. Then there is a midget who thinks that she could marry into a high society. What in the world these bitches are thinking? Delusions, that is what they are harboring in their stupid heads.

Laziness: Most assholes in this world are too lazy to improve their minds and yet they are stupidly defensive about their ignorance.

Contempt: so no wonder you have a big contempt for these animals. If you want to meet these animals, join an Internet forum or ask your acquaintances hard questions.

Prison and Castle

The Prison and the Castle of a Human Mind, an Interior Journey prompted by an Exterior Cruise in the Mediterranean

***The more I am misunderstood and scorned, the better I am in expressing myself. I want to write what I feel deep inside and I want to feel what I write. My words are both my weapon and life jacket and I don't mean them just metaphorically. I write so I don't actually commit acts of extreme violence. I am an angry old man. I have a delayed response to taunts and ridicules. Most writers write, therefore they exist. I'm no exception. J'écris, donc je suis. J'écris des poèmes romantiques primitifs afin que je puisse être aimé de la manière que je voudrais.

***Most people are blind in their blindness. They're overconfident in their opinions, impressions, and judgments. They exaggerate, inflate, and amplify how knowable the world is and how knowledgeable they are about the world. One reason why I'm carrying this smug, insouciant smirk of arrogance is that I am not one of those people. I know I am ignorant and I am working hard step by step to overcome the ignorance.

***Somebody has opined that I am a deeply romantic, reckless man with a definite value system. I don't know for sure that's who I am, but I won't quarrel with the description. For a longest time, I've experienced what would be commonly characterized as loneliness. Now I kind of treasure that aloneness, that time being with myself. I now don't care for human company as I find most humans miserable and unwittingly ridiculous and "funny". I go at great lengths not to blow up when I have to interact with humans in my daily life. Most of the time, I go to work, make small talk when I have to, and then go home and read or write when I feel an urge. I do keep my ears open at all times when I am around animals and simians because their speech fascinates me for their vaporousness and vacuity. Now and then I do run into real humans, then I become a chatterbox. I would talk nonstop, full of animality and free of animus.

***I am so glad that Obama won the election contest. I am not going to intimate that I am anywhere remotely like him in talents and ambition, but I certainly can venture an audacious, bold opinion that I understand the man solely on the basis of what programs and policies he has put through or advocated. Here is a man who wants to make a difference in the lives of the common folks and also do something beneficial for the nation he loves over the strenuous and assiduous and asinine objections of the Far Right and their stupid, empty-headed, herd -like Vietnamese Republican slavish followers who gleefully and frantically disseminated in the waning weeks of the election campaign on the Net, the most ridiculous, stupid anti-Obama propaganda ever imagined, without pausing and asking themselves if the propaganda was patently false and filthy and ridiculous. Now Obama has four more years to carry out his agenda. It's a pity he has aged visibly. I wish him luck and success. I also wish the dejected, depressed, and depressing Vietnamese Republicans who actively participated in the recent demonization of Obama, peace of mind so they can carry on with their miserable lives. I further wish to shout into their ears, hopefully penetrating through their thick, Neanderthal skulls that their failed candidate---their idol with feet of clay--- was a man who was willing to say anything to get nominated by his party and then say the opposite to get elected President; in other words, they were supporting a shameless liar, a prevaricator, a man without core principles except pursuing Money and now Power.

Ah Power, one of the most---if not the most---enticing, intoxicating, objects and objectives for most humans. You can use Power as an analytical tool to understand most human behavior (the other tools are Survival, Love [inclusive of understanding and acceptance], and Respect). No where is Power more manifest than in Rome, the seat of an once glorious earthly empire and the nerve center of another hidden empire which maintains its power by controlling how its subjects (who also unwittingly function as objects) to think and thus to behave. I am currently visiting the Vatican City, and witnessing the power the empire exerts on its awe-stricken followers via the imposing Saint Peter's Basilica and the innumerable and impressive objects of art and devotion inside. The serenity on the faces of the visitors and the self-importance of the officious-looking guards outside and inside the buildings drive home the message that Man is indeed an unique animal who does concern itself with Meaning, Appearance, and not always with Reality though he certainly loudly proclaims so. Reality must be understood via a serious study of the meaning of life, of the "purpose" of human existente, and of course of what happens to us after we die. Reality is not necessarily what we believe in. What we believe in must be grounded on incontrovertible facts, irrefutable logic, and must be subject to verification by means of testing and duplication under similar circumstances, otherwise what we take for Reality is merely Delusion driven by Fear and Ignorance, abetted by the attractions to Grandeur.

***Of course, I recognize there's something that approximates both sweetness and savagery in these words of mine, something akin to a psychopath's squinting recognition that reality is slipping away underneath his feet and sanity is out of reach. But hey, there 's also something else, something much more important and often beyond the understanding of lesser minds. It's called self-mockery. I'm the most self-conscious and spontaneous guy I know. I'm a walking contradictions. But one thing I am definitely not: furtive and phony. Furtiveness and phoniness, embodied in the failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney, are indications of cowardice. And cowardice is something I am very fearful of. All my life there has been a struggle against cowardice: death, job security, acceptance by peers, loneliness, and search for love. During the struggle, I have always found myself on the side of irrationality because I cannot live with myself if I conduct myself in a cowardly manner.

***The tone of relentless self-examination and self-consciousness leaches so fulsomely out of every word in this meandering narrative that it begs an inevitable question: why?

I often find it ineluctable that I am drawn to the "Why" questions. Why am I here? Why is Love so important to me? Why are most humans cowardly and mendacious and delusional? Of course, I can easily dole out answers to these questions, but I wonder if the answers really penetrate into the essence of reality. Is life really all about self-actualization and survival and respect and love and acceptance? Is life that simple?

***The ship (Norwegian Jade) docked in Alanya, Turkey two and a half days after leaving Rome. The town looked clean, sleepy, and not so prosperous. I took a walking tour of the town. I stopped at a local mosque. I was struck by the stark simplicity of the house of worship. There are no pews or chairs (could be a carry-over of the tent experience in the Midle East. Sitting on the rug inside a tent after hours was a matter of course if you travelled by camel. It would be too much and quite stupid to carry around chairs with you) and of course no pictures and statues depicting human forms, imagined or real, of any kind (God transcends humans. Man is not made in the image of God). The mosque is primarily a place where the believers come together and pray, not to hear fantastical stories narrated by men who are held to be superior to the folks they are telling stories and delivering sermons. I suppose the act of submission to God bye prostrating either in isolation or together with fellow believers signifies real humility and in communion with some transcendent feelings. I don't really know for sure. There is a ritual involved and the believers are supposed to undergo some awareness or transformation for the better. Other religions have similar rituals, but it appears to me Islam stresses simplicity than most, except perhaps Zen Buddhism. Personally, I find it repugnant and repulsive when splendor is associated with spirituality. Let lesser minds exude awe when they step into a house of worship replete with resplendent grandeur and splendor. To my mind which I always hold to be vastly superior to at least 95% of mankind, spirituality is about asceticism and simplicity. Truths are often bare and unadorned and simple. To adorn a house of worship with splendor is to cater to the lowest human sensibilities. Most humans are easily affected by the environment. Power-seekers know this human propensity very well. Let's face a simple, stark fact: most humans are not developed beyond the animal level. Don't tell them that fact, however. They will jump up and down in anger even though in their hearts of hearts, they know about that fact. That's why praying, the most self-delusional and self-debasing act of all, is very appealing to them. That's why they flock to houses of worship to hear mind-controllers to feed them half-truths and falsehoods. Real thinkers find most, if not all houses of worship, unnecessary. They prefer solitary caves or small, private corners of their house where they come in touch with themselves and Reality.

I left the mosque with two brochures: one in English, the other in German. There were no other non-Turkish language brochures available. The English and German brochures are not of the same subject. My German is rudimentary, but I can roughly understand the gist of the brochure. It's about the significance of the Koran. The English brochure is about Muhammad who is loved and revered by the followers, but definitely not considered holy or divine. He was born a man and died as a man, although his conduct was regarded pious and exemplary.

I left the mosque with peace in my heart and tranquility on my mind. I walked back to the ship, slowly and a bit transformed. I promised to myself henceforth that I would practice forgiveness with my conduct and gentleness with my speech. The man who guarded the mosque gave me a rosary. I will use it during my meditation. I meditate. I don't pray. I don't ask for help and succor from a "Higher Power" even when I am in distress. I can't deceive myself.

***Words of Tina Brown, editor in chief of Newsweek magazine, issue April 9, 2012, page 4:

"Jesus was a lone, wandering preacher with a small knot of followers. His message was radical: leave your family, give away all you own, and devote y ourself selflessly to God--which meant loving not only one's neighbors, but also one's enemies. He was adamantly apolitical, even to the point of refusing to defend himself at his own trial. He never spoke of homosexuality or abortion. And his only comments on marriage were confined to condemnation of divorce and a forgiveness of adultery.

So, how did we get to the point where the message of Christianity in America has drifted so far from Jesus? why has the religion been so thoroughly hijacked by political busters and "faith-based " hypocrites bereft of basic humanity?...

The use of Christian moralism as just another tool in identity politics would be of no surprise to the sage Harvard biologist and social scientist Edward O. Wilson. His new book, The Social Conquest of Earth argues that the tendency to form and join tribes is a fundamental part of what makes us human. No man-made idea---no matter how subversive or compelling---can withstand the sheer force of the tribal impulse. That impulse gives us our identities and serves as the source of our deepest convictions. It also leads to conflict---and,very often barbaric slaughter."

***I explored a bit of Limassol, Cyprus where people drive on the left and most inhabitants speak Greek. The price in the shops was not as expensive as in Turkey. The erotic calendar which reprinted the paintings of sexual poses on ancient Greek vases went only for one euro. The visit to a castle, now serving as a museum was the highlight of my exploration. The olive and orange trees in the courtyard, the stone ruins including the pressing stones to extract olive oil. The clean and free restrooms.

***Israel: the alleged promised land of the Jews where they stole and robbed from the indigenous Canaanites, the land where I had to pay to use a toilet, even in churches. The only place I didn't have to pay was the shop of a Christian Arab who cheerfully directed me to go upstairs and relieve myself in the family bathroom. Everywhere in the "Holy Land" the Jews and the Christian Catholics made money from the gullible pilgrims and the impressionable or curious (like me) tourists by charging exorbitant prices for souvenirs and the use of toilets.

Haifa is the modern port and quite congested in traffic. The scene of mass self-hypnosis and human stupidity and credulity at the baptismal site of Yardenit where undeveloped and hysterical minds immersed themselves in the tepid Jordan River with a stupid and mistaken belief that they would become new and cleansed of sins when they surfaced for air was pathetic beyond description and belief. You must be there to witness how vulnerable and pathetic when one does not develop one's mind and allows oneself to become a spiritual slave, a victim of nonsense and superstition and stupidity.

I also visited Cana, where Jesus supposedly performed the "miracle" of turning water into wine. I moved on to Mount of Beatitudes where the illiterate preacher with unscientific and illogical set of beliefs delivered the Sermon on the Mount. I went along with other curious tourists and glazed-eyed pilgrims to the Church of Multiplication and Capernaum where a synagogue and the alleged house of Peter were excavated. All the religious sites didn't move me at all. On the other hand, I was impressed at the accomplishments of the Jews who turned mostly barren and poor soil into a thriving, productive agricultural land where even bananas are cultivated, besides the ubiquitous olive trees. I took pity on the disunited and leadership-bereft Arabs who have undergone a long decline (over one thousand years now). Today the trip to Tel Aviv, the bustling cosmopolitan city, was cancelled because of the unrest in the nearby Gaza Strip arising from the murder of the Hamas military chief. I have met many Jews in my life and most are despicable, unethical, arrogant, stingy money grabbers. I recognize there are many Jewish intellectuals who have enriched and contributed to human knowledge, but I have a very strong feeling if the Jews perish once and for all, most humans on this planet wouldn't shed a tear because of the ugly memories they have when they interacted with the ugly, avaricious, and arrogant Jews. The moral is that each one of us is an ambassador of the race and the religion we come from, and we thus must behave like diplomats, full of consideration and diplomacy, and not with a smug arrogance like the Jews. The tacit approval of the Europeans when Hitler unleashed the Holocaust was quite understandable given the behavior of most Jews.

...But the Jews don't hold a monopoly on obstreperousness and unpleasantness. The Vietnamese and the Chinese rival them in these areas. I am a Vietnamese, but I am increasingly disturbed by the behavior of my fellow compatriots. What the assholes like VT aka ZT/IA (for Ignorant Asshole)/UM (for Ugly Midget), USHC (Ugly and Scary-looking HC) and innumerable ignorant and objectionable Vietnamese have penned their ignorant and poorly reasoned pieces on the Internet are just absolute trash and filth. I suppose assholes love to see their names on the Internet.

***On the way to Jerusalem we passed various kibbutzim and the Jewish settlements on the West Bank. I said a silent pity and sympathy for the Palesitinians who lost their homeland to the rapacious and more enterprising Zionists. Jerusalem is on the mountain and is indeed an impressive city with the remnants of defensive walls, besides the religious buildings and monuments. Most areas of the city are clean and modern, on par with modern European cities. However, some areas areas are quite squalid, with trash is strewn everywhere. Jerusalem boasts being the biggest city in terms of population (750,000 inhabitants out of 7.5 million) and area.

The tour guide revealed an interesting fact contrary to their counterparts in the U.S. that in Israel , the ultra-orthodox Jewish men don't work or serve in the army. They are supported by tax dollars. They also "happen" to have large families.

Nazareth: strangely enough long repressed memories of childhood and adolescence surged to the surface during a walk-through of the biggest church in the Middle East, built in 1960.

***Egypt:

Cairo and the pyramids nearby as well as Alexandria and the known monuments (mosques, deposed King Farouk's residence and gardens, statues, museums, and catacombs) showed the decline of a civilization, the friendliness of a people, their devotion to religion and current failure to organize and adhere to rules and regulations. I took with me the memories of the rich black soil of the Nile Delta and relative lack of intensive farming around the city of Said (as opposed to the intensive cultivation in Israel despite the poor soil conditions), horrific rampant trash, the persistence of peddlers, the poverty, and the devotion to family and traditions. Perhaps the Egyptians will outlast the Vietnamese because of the stronger devotion to family and traditions.

Despite setbacks, and some verge on the ridiculous and pathetic, I still long for the magic of love, still yearn for the ethereal, wondrous feelings that help me write magical prose in celebrating the illusion of finding an ideal mate.

Alexandria:

Not much better than Cairo in terms of rot and decay and strewn, uncontrolled, uncollected garbage and lack of traffic rules. The people, however, are friendly, though obviously underemployed.

***I stayed in Egypt for two days and am now sailing back to Rome to catch a flight back to the good old U.S. Last night, I slept well but prior to waking up this morning I had two nightmares: I passed only three of my four courses for the Fall term, and the sad realization once again that Laura didn't really love me.

Wissai
10-22-2012

đêm nay tiễn em đi

đêm nay tiễn em đi
sao buồn thấy tái tê
bao giờ gặp lại đây
nầy em hỡi, em ơi
em có thấy đê mê
phút giây ta gần nhau
những cảm giác nhiệm mầu

thời gian đi qua mau
cái già đã đến nơi
cái chết chờ ngoài khơi
dè dặt mà làm chi
hãy nói yêu anh đi
hãy thì thầm đã mơ
về anh lúc ban sơ.

wissai
November 22, 2022

Peachy Situation

Peachy Situation

"It's quite a peachy situation we find ourselves in, don't you think?"

That was what Tannin told you after you made love to her for a second time within forty-five minutes. What you just did was not an earth-shattering record, but a very good accomplishment for a man of your age (63) and hers (72). Although her body did show signs of her age, her appetite for sex was like that of an eighteen-year-old. She needed no vaseline. And she came quickly and in quick succession and noisily. She made you feel good about myself. Already, she told you she loved you more than all the men who had arrived before you in her life. And she had had plenty, after two marriages and numerous liaisons. She also said that the "fault" was entirely hers. She should have trusted her instinct better and made the first move sooner. She was flattered that you did notice that she was interested in you. You had met her eight months prior on a tour bus of the western states of America. You were traveling with your on-again, off-again, strong-willed, spouse. Tannin's traveling companion was a fellow widow, Mouseata. Your spouse and Mouseata went to the same high school back when they were in Costa Rica prior to their emigrating to America. The four of us were visiting California, Nevada, Utah, Idaho, South Dakota, Wyoming, and Colorado by bus, run by a Chinese tour company. The price was quite cheap, $497 for 7 days including night motel accommodation and breakfasts.

Tannin was a widowed retired dentist. Her deceased spouse was also a dentist. She had four sons and they were all oral surgeons. Needless to say, Tannin was loaded with money and she was kind and generous with her friends. You, on the contrary, was tight with your money, a consequence of childhood poverty and a victim of financial swindles by your first wife. Tannin was friendly with your spouse but kept asking you all kinds of probing personal questions whenever she was out of the earshot of your spouse. She also let you know she was very impressed with your looks and physique, fair command of several (5) languages, general knowledge, and basic decency. Tannin didn't look bad for her age. She kept her figure well from her daily exercise in the pool and on the treadmill. She had an easy laugh and agile mind. You liked her company. She was accommodating and easy-going. Compared to your insolent spouse (your two unmarried daughters would fall to pieces if you ever divorce), Tannin was a breath of fresh air. You certainly didn't insinuate that you didn't have any money. You used to be quite wealthy myself until you I lost most of it in the stock market in 1999 and 2007. However, you still have some (mid six figures) left in 401 K accounts and $100,000 in cash. The monthly annuity payment for pension and the social security payments more than take care of your daily needs. In addition, you work part-time for a consultation company, which nets you around $2,000-2,500 a month. You are not as rich as your spouse or Tannin, but you are not poor and thus have to watch your pennies. But you do watch pennies. Habits die hard. Tannin knows about your frame of mind and accepts that.

By the time the bus trip ended and you had to get off at Las Vegas while your spouse, her friend, and Tannin moved on to Los Angeles to catch a flight back to Houston, you sensed that Tannin was pretty much taken by you and she herself was often on your mind, but you were outwardly cool and uninterested. You were a proud man. And 72 was a big number to overcome. You didn't know if she still liked sex or not and how much she liked you. You kept your feelings under wraps and hid your affection for her in camouflaged poetry and late night reveries.

Three months ago you jumped in with both feet when your spouse asked you that if you would like to join her on a South Pacific cruise. You always wanted to see for yourself Hawaii, Samoa, Fij, and the Caledonian Islands after reading so much about them in geography books. Nobody told you that Tannin would also be on the cruise until she showed up at the airport for the flight to Rome. And a "miracle" happened: Mouseata backed out at the last minute due to family obligation. So Tannin had a cabin all by herself albeit with a slight increase in rate. You took Mouseata's absence as a sign, a good omen for things to come between Tangerine and you. ". Anyway, you were lonely despite being married.Twice (twelve and six years ago) you thought you got rid of loneliness for good, but you were wrong. Since then several women played you for a fool and you went along until they discovered you were not as stupid and naive as you let on. They moved on to other targets and you moved on with your life with books, writing, and poker-playing to occupy your time when you are not called to do consultancy work with lonely and disturbed individuals. You are quite good in the consultancy business. It takes one to know one. You would venture to say a majority, if not a big majority, of people in your profession are quite unhinged themselves.

There was an instant attraction and chemistry between Tannin and you when you two first met eight months ago. She understood what you tried to say, which was not as easy as common folks assumed. And you were tremendously touched by her caring ways and her unspoken loneliness. On this cruise she spent most of her time with your spouse (okay, her name was Daevela), at meal times (you only joined them at dinner), and daily activities and nightly shows. You spent your time reading, sleeping, working out at the gym, and playing poker until the wee hours of the morning.The cruise lasted for eleven days. Things happened on the 9th night. You were playing poker as usual when somebody touched you on the shoulder. You turned around and saw Tannin smiling tenderly at you. She then asked you of how you were doing. You sighed and replied that you were a bit over $200 in the hole. She looked upset and emphatically said that you must quit now and join her for a walk on the deck. The way her eyes looked at you told you that you should not turn down her request.

It was a beautiful night. The full moon was in the sky. The South Pacific sea was calm. There was hardly a breeze. A lot of people were milling around on the deck, some of them were walking and talking, like Tannin and you were doing. She asked you a lot of questions, especially about the relationship with Daevela. You told her the truth, unadorned and unembellished. When you were through, she took your hand into hers and said, "my poor baby. You deserve better." You said nothing to that remark and didn't withdraw your hand. Then she huskily asked you if you liked her. You nodded your head and said, "from the very first beginning we first met." She then pulled you close to her and planted a kiss on my lips and wordlessly embraced you and then led me to the elevator and to her cabin. We were like two teenagers overcome with lust. She tremblingly inserted the cabin card into the door slot while holding tightly to your hand. You two barely got inside the cabin when you locked lips and touched each other hungrily.

Although her body showed the ravages of time, she made up for it by her sexual ardor and effusive praise of the magnificence of your body which you kept in a youthful shape by almost daily Yoga and strength exercises. She made you feel so wanted that you had no problem achieving the desired state of hardness in no time. When you were in her, she kept her legs intertwined on your back and kept saying your name overlaid with terms of endearment. Soon you were no longer affected by the age discrepancy and now saw love had transformed her into a beautiful mature woman. And when she urged you to quicken your tempo because she was on the verge of reaching the pinnacle of pleasure, you let yourself go and you called her name over and over again and finished it up by pressing your pelvic region hard against hers.

Satisfied and contented, she stroked your face and massaged the nape of your neck, in the aftermath of the unforgettable sexual encounter. You soon passed out in heavenly peace. You woke up when you found myself hard again by her skillful lingual maneuvering. The second time you two were at it was less intense and more leisurely but much stronger in terms of tenderness and peace. Both sensed that what each had for each other was more than carnal lust and physical desire. The feeling was an old-fashioned love and caring. That was when she asked you what you would do about the future because she now realized she wanted to be with you at all times for she had found peace.

You told her the divorce was out of the question. There were complications, most were posed by your daughters and your unwillingness to bring embarrassment and humiliation to Daevela. You further explained to her that you must remain in Las Vegas for at least ten more years to see how you would fare with the consultancy business and the poker avocation. You then concluded that as much as you disliked the furtiveness of the situation, it must remain so until Daevela dies. Life is never perfect and is not designed to please us. We must adapt and endure. She could always fly to Las Vegas and be with you as long as she wished and as long as we kept our relationship a secret from Daevela. Tannin said nothing and tears flooded her eyes. She then said you needed to get dressed and go back to your cabin before Daevela came looking for you.

After you kissed her and were about to leave she asked me if you really loved her. You stepped towards her and held her in my arms and looked into her eyes and said softly that she was the one you had always wanted in your life and you had thought you would never realize your dream. You had always longed for an unselfish, unpretentious, intelligent woman who understood, respected, and cared about you. You were arrogant and conceited, but you were fair-minded and loyal. You told her that she took a big risk in loving you and time would tell her if her love for you and yours for her was real and not a flash in the pan. True love always has a way to manifest itself. What has held it back are selfishness, ego, greed, power, and fear. Of these, you are only aflicted with ego which could be intimately tied with a carry-over of feelings of inferiority complex in the past, but ever since you realize you am gifted at logic, philosophy, and words, the ego is very probably soundly based and not an overcompensation from the distant past. If she could handle your ego, she had nothing to be concerned about your feelings for her. She said nothing to your speech. And once again her eyes welled up with tears. She just raised her feet and kissed you on the cheeks and gently pushed you out of the cabin and into the lonely night.

Wissai
Noviember 21, 2012

Obama won the re-election

I was happy that he won. Love was stronger than hate. Starting three weeks before the election day, the Internet was flooded with false, ugly, malicious rumors and lies disseminated by the Republicans who were desperate for a win. What bothered me greatly was there were many Vietnamese Americans who practiced suspension of disbelief and thus gleefully and gladly contributed to the dissemination of the innuendoes and lies. Their behavior was so despicable and loathsome that I was ashamed for them and for myself for being Vietnamese. In any contest, we must be honorable in our conduct. A victory without honor is not worth having.

Peace

My heart cried for peace, but my mind was stuck deep in turmoil. I've meditated on the outright lies disseminated by the Vietnamese Republicans about Obama and I felt a deep disgust at how low my compatriots have sunk. I was glad that I had an instinctive respect for truth. That noble trait is not shared by assholes like you-know-who, hence my contempt for them. Those two are real animals which love to use filthy and sarcastic language to score a point when they can't win an argument in a debate. how could they since they were poorly read and poorly educated. I regard them as ignorant assholes, unworthy of being in my company.

Cessation of suffering

Cessation of Suffering

"You think you're a deep-sea diver while in fact you're drowning. Don't pretend you care little for anything in this world whereas you're a burning churning throb of desire and yearning. Please, make your outer appearances reflect inner realities, otherwise you create nothing but suffering for yourself. Stop playing games with yourself and others. Be authentic."

That was what I told my protégé last week at the hospital when I thought I was going to croak and die of some mysterious flu-like illness. But I somehow recovered. Shit, I'm only sixty-three after all. I'm too mean to die young. I'm gonna live until the ripe old age of ninety-nine. I'm gonna be a mean, crusty old man when I finally kick the bucket. The doctor who was young enough to be my grand-son told me this morning that the worst was over and I could be released in two days.

When I told my protégé over the phone this morning that I was coming home on my own power, and not in a body bag or in a coffin, he shouted with joy. I was not sure if he really meant it. I suppose I'm gonna put him through a test soon.

I'm not sleeping much anymore or they stop putting in the IV the sleep medicine, I don't know which. I know I'm more alert. This morning I took a short walk to the cafeteria and back just to get my circulation working again. I saw the faces of people on the way to the cafeteria and back and inside the cafeteria itself. It seemed to me that everybody had a look of attrition on them. They all looked tired, worried, and preoccupied. The élan, the zest for life was missing. It was funny, to me, they looked that way. They were not as close to death as I was. And here I am feeling overjoyed and bursting with an irrepressible feeling of relief and happiness that I am going to live a few more years. For years, I have been flirting with suicide and filled with homocidal impulses. No more. No sir. No más danzar con la locura. And it seems to me this weight of suffering that I've carried on my shoulders and in my heart since late adolescence miraculously vanished into thin air. I'm feeling light-headed, giddy, buoyant, happy, and carefree. The feeling is better than sex, more intoxicating than booze and pot, and even more intense than falling in love. I suppose I'm savoring the sensation of being granted the reprieve from the definite, unalterable cessation of life, of being cut off from feeling and thinking and other senses of being alive. For the first time since childhood and early adolescence, I have regained the joys of living. To live is to experience choices whereas to die is to be forever shut off in darkness and oblivion.

If I'm sounding like I'm preaching, hell, so what? We're all preachers and lecturers in one way or another. The best preachers are those who only preach to themselves, and not to others, even when they appear to preach to others, they do in fact preach to themselves. To live is to confront one's loneliness and sense of insecurity and precariousness. One thing I know for sure is that I'm no longer fucked, fried, and lied to like so many slaves I see walking like zombies into offices and plants every morning to earn a living wage. At least I'm an independent hunter, free of imposed---as opposed to internally generated---rules and regulations and the daily politicking in order to survive. I hunt whenever I want to. I'm using my intelligence and imagination to find food. There are always some fools out there who think they know the game of hunting better than I do. Little do they know they are preys to real hunters like me.

Let me share with you several deeply held but barely concealed facts and secrets and truths:

1. I've been a hunter for almost 14 years now. I've been the master of my fate. I've stockpiled enough provisions to last for at least 20 years. So economic concerns no longer affect me. Health issues do, however. Thus, I've been exercising and watching my diet. I have 15 lbs to get rid of to get back to my fighting weight (161 lbs).

2. I've a very strong disdain for ignorance and laziness "fortified" with stupidity. Thus, I've held in contempt folks who harbor superstitious beliefs which have no grounds in reality and logic. Those people are emotionally weak and fearful by nature. And that warrants pity and contempt. Real humans live with strength and and without trepidation. They know they have only life to live and ironically that gives them the strength to go through life with a gusto and fearlessly whereas the stupid and cowardly folks fancy that there is an afterlife and yet conduct themselves with timidity and cravenness.

3. It's wonderful to know one's place in the universe. Lately, I have managed to talk little, keep my own counsel, go about my business with stealth and discretion. I no longer commit myself. I hedge and I listen. I am now not going strong anymore. I go gentle, play it simple, and don't convince anybody who I am and who I am not. I just have to convince myself and act the part.

Three secrets are more than enough to divulge, don't you think? Anyway, the more I live and interact with ordinary folks, let alone scums of the earth, I laugh at their lies and poses. Let me tell you something: it's hard to find a genuine, honest, unpretentious but conceited guy like myself. It seems to be most humans fucking try hard to pretend somebody they are not. They always give themselves too much fucking credit that they don't deserve, believe in the bullshit peddled by the religious and political merchants, and go to the grave thinking they are good, decent people whereas the reality is that they are stupid, vain, insecure, superstitious, and fearful of death. Compared to them, I am much, much fucking better. Sometimes, I just wish I had the temerity to blow up all of them to smithereens. Humans are largely detestable because they can't overcome the animalism inside them. If I have a patent weakness is that I am too fucking sentimental. I have a stupid notion that I am sweet and adorable and that women would fall in love with me. I have been fucked over so many times that I finally and belatedly realized that while I may be indeed nice and lovely, that does not all the cunts out there would really love me because there would be some sickos who would be out to get my blood and my wallet just to get over some past, distant, long gone hurts and slights. So now I am wise up. I am a cynic, now. And I feel strong and good about that. Of course that does not mean I don't feel lonely. You see, loneliness comes from the failure to trust anybody. I don't trust because I was hurt. The memories killed my ability to trust.

Life is a journey to be true to oneself and others.

Truth is everywhere. All it takes is an understanding heart. All our problems stem from ignorance and false pride. Ignorance is easily remedied. False pride is the child of insecurity and dishonesty.

Everybody needs to have a long, hard look at himself at least once a day, preferably in the morning right after waking up, in order to start a day anew and awash with understanding.

Most life's problems are self-inflicted and the results of failing to follow the golden rule which includes the following observation:

"What do I or my interlocutors gain from what I am going to say? If nothing, then I must keep my stupid mouth shut because if what I am going to say is only to make me feel good for hurting the feelings of others then I must be an imbecile, idiot, cretin, retard, dumb ass. Sarcasm is cheap wit and earns nothing but lasting enmity. People don't usually forgive as they pretend, no matter how much apology we offer after the damage is done. The hurt is always there. The emotional scar is always there. The ugly and painful memory is always there."

An overflowing river and an angry sea

Meandering storms of the heart will forever gently bend around obstacles that stand on their paths.

(To be continued)
Wissai
October 26, 2012